This week I was at the vets picking up my dog’s epilepsy medication and when they called for us, I realised that my dog has my surname but my son doesn’t. Why is that?
Naming your child has caused chaos in families for centuries. But one part remained certain, that the child would take their father's surname. Now that fewer people are getting married and families come in many different forms, does this mass compliancy still have a place in modern society?
While hyphenating both surnames is becoming more popular, it largely requires you to be in a relationship with a progressive man, who enjoys a quiet life. Still, it remains unusual for a child to be given only their mother's surname.
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But why does it matter so much?! It’s not like they’re going to inherit a title. And how do double barrel names adjust when people get married? Do they add on a third? Where does it end? Presumably at the passport office when you realise they wont accept a surname over 30 characters long.
I spoke to parents this week who shared their experiences of choosing a surname and the conflict it sometimes caused.
Alex from Yorkshire told me: “I’m kicking myself for not even arguing about my son getting his dad's name. But I was too exhausted and had no family support to even think about it. Looking back I wish I had been stronger. I birthed him!
"Why does he automatically get his dad's surname? The problem as well is everyone else’s judgement. When you have a child young [I was 21] there’s often a lot of pressure from everyone else about how things are 'supposed to be done'. It’s easy to feel like you don’t have the chance to think through each step and how it effects you as a mum. Because it just is what it is.”
Zoe from Aigburth said: "To this day I truly wish I hadn't given my son his dad's name! It was 1999 and there was no way I couldn't!”
Another mum said: “I went against the grain and gave my daughter my name. That was 21 years ago and I remember the outrage amongst the community of my family and friends… 'why would you do that it’s so disrespectful'.
"But you know what? Thank god I did, because he hasn’t seen her for more than half her life now. Imagine if she was stuck with his name?”
Gareth from Birmingham added: "I'd be gutted if my lad didn't have my last name. Daft as it sounds, it just makes me feel a little bit closer to him when I don't see him all the time. Plus it gives me a bit of pride knowing he will keep the name going on, however old fashioned that sounds.”
Emma Dodgson said: “My kids have got their dad’s name but he’s a boss dad and a boss man, so he deserves it.”
Lucy added: “I had a real issue with my eldest having his dad's name. We weren't married and I just didn't like the idea of not having the same name as my son. However, my partner also wanted to continue the apparent 200 year tradition of giving him the family middle name for all males.
"Given that this was Vivian, I gave him a choice. What means more to you? The baby having your surname, or giving him a middle name that he will undoubtedly hate? [Apologies to any Vivians but you must get me?]
"It undoubtedly contributed to the end of our relationship. However, he chose the surname and I erased over 200 years of family tradition. Zero regrets.”
Katie from Manchester added: “My nephew has got his dad's last name and hasn’t seen him since he was two. Apparently my sister has to ask his dad’s permission to remove his name, so her and her son can have the same last name.”
Jemma said: “When my son’s dad left after five years, my son didn’t want that second name, and to be honest neither did I. So we changed it every way possible to his 'known as name'. I’ve just contacted our solicitor to go down the channels of changing it properly now, but we don’t have details for his dad.
"Our solicitor said we have to be seen to be attempting to contact him, and so will write to his last known address. But if he doesn’t make contact and object then we can go ahead legally and will officially have my name, which he’s already used for years. I tried to drag it out saying do it when your 18, but he hates it. He hates when people get it wrong and call him the legal name, he can’t wait!”
A Registrar in Liverpool confirmed that although names can be changed by deed, the name on the birth certificate can never be changed and a name change may cause issues with documentation later in life. For children and young people their identity is their most important asset and most schools will now allow young people to use a 'preferred name' day to day.
Maybe we shouldn’t be naming our children at all? Much like gender, perhaps it’s time to give each newborn a number and wait until they can speak and tell us what their name is.
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