Look, it’s become utterly ridiculous, did they have trick or treat when you were young? OK, well, they didn’t when I was – it was all about penny for the guy and bonfires. The real thing’s been completely destroyed by a cynical US import with no connection to British traditions. Right, so there was Mischief Night, but at least all you needed for that was treacle and a few eggs; there was none of this commercial stuff, bar the fireworks, obviously, before elf’n’safety put paid to that. That used to be part of the fun, a lit catherine wheel landing on your anorak.
I wouldn’t mind the pumpkins, within reason, provided there’s soup, but it’s the sugar – why would any responsible adult volunteer their child for an obesity marketing exercise? I’d ban it, actually, enforce it with a few asbos, I don’t think that’s too strong. However you look at it, taking children trick or treating is basically teaching them to use menace to extort drugs – you might as well give them mugging lessons. Doesn’t anyone think of the pensioners? I just turn off the lights and go to bed. Well, you try offering a box of raisins to a massive pubescent in a Scream mask, oh no. Every year, I take the battery out of the doorbell and come out only after it’s all over.
I wouldn’t mind if it was just the tinies, but the way grown men and women carry on with their wigs and Halloween bunting, would you believe? And it’s earlier every year: next thing you know, they’ll get started after Easter. You can’t help thinking, what if all the effort and money that goes on Halloween went to charity? Of course, it’s worth too much to big business now – have you seen the shops? These skeletons and gravestones all over the place, I’d be amazed if some toddlers aren’t traumatised for life, and just try buying a cake without an eyeball on it in October. The whole thing is completely out of hand, why people couldn’t be happy incinerating a human effigy on a 50ft pyre, like in the old days, I’ll never understand.
