Full-time: Middlesbrough 1-0 Hull City
That’s your lot! Middlesbrough hold on and move into 13th place thanks to Gaston Ramirez’s header. They’re deserved winners. Hull were wretched and remain 19th. Thanks for reading and emailing. Night.
Updated
90 min+4: Valdes hits a clearance straight to Snodgrass on the right. Fortunately for the Middlesbrough goalkeeper, Hull can’t take advantage.
90 min+1: Diomande dips inside from the left, on to his right foot, and aims for the far corner with a swerving effort. Valdes is alert, reading the flight of the ball and pushing it wide. That’s his first save. From the corner, Hull almost equalise again. Snodgrass whips it to the near post, Elmohamady glances it on and the sliding Diomande can’t arrive in time at the far post!
90 min: There will be four added minutes.
87 min: Stewart Downing replaces the limping Ramirez, who can console himself the knowledge he’s probably scored the winner.
86 min: Gaston Ramirez has gone down with a knock.
85 min: Clucas ignores Robertson in acres of space on the left and decides to shoot from 30 yards. It’s a pathetic effort and a pathetic decision.
84 min: Hull are putting together a bit of pressure now, Robertson earning a corner on the left. Middlesbrough deal with it, but the hosts are growing edgy. “I second the Jim Rash nomination, believing he possesses the wry smile to pull off a smug Mike Dean when berating players in hushed tones and firm hand gestures,” says Jim Dunker. “As well, why not use Vinnie Jones as an explosive & violently gesturing manager in the technical area ala Jurgen Klopp and some Tony Pulis combined.”
82 min: Hull make their third change, David Meyler on for Henriksen.
81 min: Christian Stuani replaces Fischer. Play has been stopped so Chambers can receive treatment after a heavy fall.
Updated
80 min: Fischer earns a yard of space for a shot, nipping round Snodrgass on the left, but he curls well over.
78 min: Snodgrass tumbles theatrically on the edge of the Middlesbrough area. The Dean Machine is suitably unimpressed, doing little to hide his disdain for the Hull winger.
77 min: “All of a sudden I can’t see anyone other than Community’s Jim Rash playing Mike Dean, changing outfit every time he blows the whistle, awarding Deanalties and developing an unhealthy obsession with the wingers,” says Enna Cooper.
76 min: Henriksen livens things up for Hull, winning a corner on the right. Snodrgass whips it in and Clucas, unmarked, heads over. He couldn’t rise high enough.
75 min: De Roon finds Fabio on the left. Negredo heads his hanging cross straight at Marshall.
72 min: Middlesbrough have been laughably dominant. Hull’s equaliser will be hilarious. “I’ve got Lyons Gold (pyramid shaped bags), which is the only kind I drink unless I run out,” says JR in Illinois. “I know you meant what food was I having for my meal. Of course over here tea is only a drink, not a meal, so I literally (and only) meant “tea time”. Sometimes I have some Biscoff or something similar though. But before my tea I had some homemade mushroom barley soup. Was delicious if I do say so myself.”
70 min: Fischer scampers into the area from the left after a fine knockdown from Ramirez. Dawson diverts his shot behind for a corner.
70 min: “Another pressing question, who will be our glorious protagonists on field foil?” says Evan Haas. “Is it a nefarious, dark-arts striker like Diego Costa? An apoplectic, gesticulating manager like Alex Ferguson? Or something unexpected, like a sinisterly jealous Jonathan Moss secretly envious of Dean’s incredible powers?”
It’s grappling in the area. Grappling’s the villain. Ryan Shawcross, then.
68 min: Hull barely look like they’ve tried to score. They have been truly dreadful tonight.
65 min: “The Dean Machine reminds me of the Mean Machine, not the additional nail in the coffin of the British-comedy-drama film genre starring Vinny Jones, but the nickname of Burt Reynolds in the original,” says Ian Copestake. “Burt may as well play Mike Dean seeing as any such film would be converted into American and become a gridiron classic.”
64 min: Hull win a corner on the right. Snodgrass flings it in and Valdes gets away with a mad charge off his line.
63 min: “I’ve two suggestions for the Dean Machine depending on the approach you want to take,” says Evan Haas. “If you’re thinking of taking it in a more comedic route which is understandable and maybe the more obvious way - go with David Spade. But if you want Dean Machine to be an action/thriller - and honestly who doesn’t - I think the answer is clearly Jeremy Irons.”
62 min: Hull make two changes, Jarrod Bowen replacing Ryan Mason and Tom Huddlestone ambling on in place of Jake Livermore.
GOAL! Middlesbrough 1-0 Hull (Ramirez, 60 min)
It had to happen eventually. Fischer whips in a fine corner from the right and Ramirez, the best player on the pitch, escapes Diomande before heading past Marshall from six yards out.
Updated
60 min: Middlesbrough win another corner. This is getting silly. And...
58 min: Ramirez produces a decent delivery with a corner from the right at last, but no one can provide a telling touch.
54 min: Ramirez’s free-kick hits the wall and loops off to the right, where Barragan hoicks it back into the area. Then there’s a shove in the back for Gibson from Diomande. Penalty? It is Mike Dean, after all. But he can’t be bothered lifting the whistle to his lips.
Updated
52 min: A rare Hull attack breaks down and Middlesbrough counter, only for Livermore to bring the rampaging Ramirez down. Livermore’s already on a booking, but the wise, benevolent Mike Dean shows mercy.
50 min: Ramirez wins yet another Middlesbrough corner. They’re yet to threaten from one. This one’s a disgrace too.
Updated
47 min: Ramirez cuts inside from the right and shoots with his left foot. It hits a Hull head and loops into the air. Marshall flaps at it and Robertson clears it as far as Ramirez, who volleys wide, failing to punish some iffy Hull defending. “The game is halfway over,” notes JR in Illinois. “Anyway, I think maybe you’d want to cast Kevin Doyle (not the Republic of Ireland forward, the one who played Mr. Molesley on Downton Abbey) as Mike Dean. Hull are getting relegated. That’s all I’ve got. Tea time.”
What are you having?
46 min: Middlesbrough get the second half underway. “Diomande - didn’t he used to play for the Greek philosophers?” wonders JJ Willoug.
Updated
Half-time: Middlesbrough 0-0 Hull City
Middlesbrough have a couple of stabs at delivering a decent corner, but it’s beyond them and Mike Dean’s had enough.
45 min: Mike Dean’s just played a couple of storming advantages. It’s just a shame he’s only playing one minute of added time. I could watch him all day. As for the game, Mason deflects a Fischer shot wide for a corner.
42 min: Out of nowhere, perhaps because the Middlesbrough defenders have come to see the existence of Diomande as more of a concept than a living, breathing, wide awake human being, the Hull striker suddenly bursts through on goal after a defence splitting pass from Henriksen. Ben Gibson looks up from his book on Diomande theory, realises he’s made a mistake, puts it down and hares back to make a brilliant recovery challenge, just when a goal looked certain.
41 min: Hull are no longer in Middlesbrough’s half. “If you only knew what agonies of suspense are triggered by such a pause in an MBM commentary….” says JJ Willoug. “For an ex-pat thousands of miles away from home, strangely hung up on the success of his boyhood team as some sort of small comfort for the homesick state he now finds himself in, it can be torture. If you knew, surely you wouldn’t be so liberal with those ellipsis…Except I’m not really arsed who wins this one, so well done for keeping the interest going.”
Updated
40 min: Hull are in Middlesbrough’s half!
38 min: Forshaw swings a cross into the Hull area from the right for Negredo, who peels off Robertson, only to completely mistime his header, the ball dropping kindly for Marshall. He’d probably have scored that three years ago.
36 min: I’ve switched on Dean Cam now. Mike walks with such a swagger, like he knows I’m probably watching him and he wants to put on a show. He knows he’s really the main event. While I’m focusing on the ref, Fischer wins another corner for Middlesbrough, their one millionth of the first half, and we know how they tend to turn out.
35 min: Who wants to produce Dean Machine for me?
34 min: This has 1-0 Hull, Michael Dawson scoring off his buttocks in the 89th minute, written all over it. Admittedly the writing’s barely legible, but I can just about make it out.
33 min: Dean Machine, the Mike Dean biopic, would be a brilliant film. Who’d play the lead? Vin Diesel?
31 min: Middlesbrough put the ball into the Hull net at last, Fischer bundling it in ... but the goal’s been disallowed for handball. Ramirez chipped it to the far post from the right and Negredo rose highest to head it into the six-yard box, but Mike Dean, who recently underwent surgery to replace his human eyes with those of an eagle’s, spots Fischer control with his left arm before forcing it past the two Hull defenders on the line. There’s no fooling the Dean Machine!
Updated
30 min: Barragan clips another cross into the Hull area. Negredo momentarily throws the Hull defence with a lovely dummy, hopping over the ball and letting it run to Fischer, but his shot’s blocked. It’s all Middlesbrough. And...
29 min: A free-kick to Middlesbrough over on the right. Marshall punches away Ramirez’s inswinging cross. Commanding goalkeeping.
27 min: Barragan’s cross from the right reaches Fischer on the left of the area. He tries to buy space for a shot. He manages to after some dipping of the shoulder, and his effort zings over via a deflection, but the corner’s a waste of time again.
24 min: Hull are offering very little as an attacking threat. They’ve had 30% of the possession so far.
20 min: Forshaw bustles Snodgrass off the ball, with some help from Fabio, before charging forward and whipping a low shot towards the bottom left corner from 25 yards. Marshall does well to save again, tipping wide for a corner, from which nothing of any importance occurs.
19 min: Clucas wins a Hull corner on the left. This lot are going corner crazy. Clucas gives someone the thumbs up. It must be some sort of plan. Perhaps they’ll decide this game based on who wins more corners.
18 min: Middlesbrough take the corner short, faff around with a bit, discuss the implications of the Italian referendum vote and eventually decide to cross the ball. And the flag goes up for offside.
17 min: Fabio’s cross hits the first man, but he manages to hold off Clucas and let the ball run out for a Middlesbrough corner on the left.
15 min: Jake Livermore picks up the game’s first booking for a late swipe on Antonio Barragan’s left ankle. The Spaniard felt that one and Mike Dean needs no invitation to assert his authority.
14 min: Elmohamady marauds down the right and wins a corner off Fabio, who’s convinced it should be a goal-kick. From the resulting corner, the ball drops for Clucas, who slashes over on the half volley from 18 yards.
11 min: Middlesbrough are monopolising possession early on and they’re threatening the Hull goal, Ramirez cutting inside from the right and shooting low and hard towards the near post from 25 yards. Marshall pushes it away.
8 min: Nothing comes from the Hull corner. Nothing.
7 min: Middlesbrough burst down the right, Ramirez winning the ball off Robertson on the halfway line and haring away from the left-back. Ramirez knocks a pass inside to De Roon, who cleverly cushions a pass through to Negredo. He scored two fine goals last season, but he lets himself down here, slamming over the bar with only Marshall to beat. Hull look for an instant response, Robertson making amends for his error by getting round the back of the Middlesbrough defence and winning a corner for the visitors.
4 min: Fischer returns the compliment, looking for Fabio on the left, blamming it out for a Hull throw. Good start, lads.
Updated
3 min: Fabio very deliberately tries to chest a high ball to Fischer on the left. He chests it out for a throw.
And we’re off! Hull, in their black away strip, get us underway. They’re kicking from left to right and there’s a decent atmosphere inside the Riverside.
Here come the teams! Cue the Riverside music.
“If this game’s going to finish 0-0 who’s going to miss the penalty kick(s)?” says JR in Illinois. “You know, because of Mike Dean.”
Victor Valdes. Encouragingly, these are league’s two lowest scoring sides.
Tonight's teams
Middlesbrough: Valdés, Barragan, Chambers, Gibson, Da Silva, Forshaw, Clayton, De Roon, Ramírez, Negredo, Fischer.
Subs: Bernardo, Leadbitter, Guzan, Stuani, Downing, Nsue, Traoré.
Hull City: Marshall, Elmohamady, Davies, Dawson, Robertson, Snodgrass, Livermore, Clucas, Mason, Henriksen, Diomandé.
Subs: Maguire, Meyler, Huddlestone, Jakupovic, Weir, Tymon, Bowen.
Referee: Mike Dean (Wirral)
Updated
Preamble
Hello. December’s a bit too early for talk of must win games. But while a point wouldn’t be the worst result for either of these two sides, what a boost it would be for one of them if they take all three points this evening. Conversely, what a sickener it would be for the loser. For Middlesbrough, there’s a chance to put a little bit of daylight between themselves and the bottom three by claiming only their third win of the season. Our hosts for the evening haven’t disgraced themselves since promotion, but too many draws have left them in the relegation picture, only a point above ... well, what do you know? A point above Hull. The visitors are 19th, below Sunderland on goal difference, but they can push West Ham into the bottom three if they pick up their first away win in the league since August. It’s all to play for. It’s going to finish 0-0, isn’t it.
Kick-off: 8pm GMT.
Updated
