Men are still struggling to recognise when they’re in crisis. Depression often hides in plain sight, masked by work, socialising, and everyday routine.
Yet loneliness, says mental health expert Owen O’Kane, is one of the clearest and most overlooked signs.
Speaking with host Emilie Lavinia on The Independent’s Well Enough podcast, O’Kane explained: “You never see in an NHS tick box ‘loneliness’ as a symptom. And yet, it’s probably one of the key symptoms of depression – that people feel very, very lonely and disconnected in some way. But we don’t really measure that as problematic.”
The latest episode explores how men in particular are struggling to recognise the symptoms of poor mental health and to know when, and how, to seek help.
“A lot of people, particularly men, will try to continue functioning as normal so it’s really difficult to sometimes differentiate because they’re going to work, they’re out socialising, they’re having a beer, they’re going to the football, whatever they might be doing,” explained O’Kane.
“Normally when you break it down you start to discover there is the day-to-day stuff, there’s patterns of thought that can be problematic in terms of how they’re thinking, often very negative critical thought processes are going on, a real lack of interest – that feeling of, ‘I genuinely can’t be arsed doing anything’. And it’s not even demotivation, it goes beyond that. It’s actually, ‘I don’t want to, I can’t.’ The thought of going to the shop for some milk might be completely overwhelming.
“These symptoms can vary with people and I guess my rule of thumb is, if there’s been a period where the bad days start to outnumber the good days, that’s normally a really good time to go for help and support, or at least speak to someone.”
O’Kane’s books offer practical advice on how to recognise symptoms and break out of harmful thought patterns and habits. His latest, Addicted to Anxiety teaches readers how to take back control of their lives.
He told Emilie Lavinia: “This is the tragedy really, there are so many small things we can do that can feel enormously helpful. But it’s the beginning of that conversation where it feels like everything’s falling apart and everything’s dark. If somebody at that stage can realise actually this first initial step can be one of the most powerful you can take, there’s real freedom in that.”
O’Kane was joined on the podcast by TV presenter and mental health campaigner Matt Johnson. The pair discussed how the symptoms of poor mental health can often become a default for men struggling with depression, particularly without support, diagnosis and treatment.
“With all of those symptoms – the lack of joy, the loneliness, the isolation, the self diagnosis, the alcoholism – all those things that I was dealing with. The lack of sleep, actually, I was so tired it was overwhelming and getting out of bed was a struggle. Having to go to work and having to do the normal day to day things and trying to socialise was the point where I felt like I couldn’t continue anymore. Because that was the most difficult part. I was unaware of what I was going through. I thought my family was cursed or something, i didn’t know what was happening to me,” said Johnson.
“But that faking it ‘til I made it. The turning up every day and pretending was the really difficult part for me. Finding the energy to pretend and put on another mask for whoever I was working for at the time. That was the real problem for me, the inauthenticity of life.”
In the episode, Johnson spoke candidly about his personal experiences with depression and anxiety and the moments that allowed him to seek help and start learning how to manage his own mental health.
“With diagnosis I could see that this was depression and kind of gives it reasoning and it allows you to see it for what it is,” says Johnson. “My suicide attempt in 2009 was, now I know in hindsight, me trying to just kill that part of me off that was overtaking everything. But the love and compassion that I have when you do try and understand that that part of yourself is frightened and scared and trying to keep you safe and all those different things has really helped me take care of that part of myself. It was light a light going on moment.”
Johnson, an ambassador for Mind and Movember is keen to normalise conversations about men’s mental health and described how he often speaks with men around the UK about their experiences. He noted that
Both guests reflected on the notion of “self work” or therapy being considered “a bit soft” and how men are often encouraged to “man up” and get on with life, instead of seeking help. They also discuss the difference between functional wellbeing – building physical strength and resilience – and emotional wellbeing and the importance of working with challenging feelings.
“We’re in this culture at the minute, particularly in social media, where it seems to be about getting better, getting fixed quickly but then my argument is, if it comes at the cost of abandoning yourself. I won’t allow myself to feel sad, I won’t allow myself to struggle, I won’t allow myself to get it wrong or feel or screw up, that becomes a self abandonment as such and that’s never going to become a healthy thing.” says O’Kane.
The episode also explored self optimisation culture, influencers promoting toxic ideals of masculinity, mental health in schools and the experiences of boys growing up, mental health resources and toolkits and healthy habits that can help with supporting good mental health and wellbeing.
Suicide is still the biggest killer of men under 50 in the UK. “Treat yourself as someone who matters.” says O’Kane.
Listen to the episode here and watch the full episode on YouTube. Well Enough is available wherever you get your podcasts.
Take a smarter approach to feeling good. Sign up to the Well Enough newsletter for evidence-based wellness insights.
