Ah, the language of local authorities; truly it can be a joy forever. Just consider the following nugget: “Further to your recent report to Aberdeenshire council relating to a roads related issue, an investigation was undertaken by our local team 06/04/23. Following this inspection we have identified a serviceable defect within the public road envelope which requires further intervention.”
You would have thought that reader Malcolm Evans had at least reported a burst water main. In fact, it was a common or garden pothole. Yes, they are the bane of motorists the country over, their ubiquity increasingly tiresome and dangerous, but to dress them up in such highfalutin language seems unnecessarily provocative.
Alas, it’s not just councils. Clive Worley got it in touch with this response from phone company TalkTalk: “We’re sorry that you’ve had a problem with your broadband service. We’re continuing to monitor your line following your recent engineer visit. However, if you’re still experiencing any connection issues, you can test your line by visiting My Connection here. If you have completed this journey already, please live chat with one of our team here.”
And things don’t fare any better in the world of international affairs, as Graham Griffiths proved: “Anyone keeping up to date with the war in Ukraine via the Institute for the Study of War updates will be familiar with a phrase that they clearly enjoy using. This week they were engaging with the recent assassination of Maxim Fomin and the various allegations coming from Russian bloggers as ‘likely to become a major point of information space neuralgia’. An ache in the jaw-jaw, perhaps!” Well put, indeed.
Finally, thanks to Will O’Neill for this rich example of management speak: “During this two-day workshop, you will gain the knowledge and skills necessary to facilitate fit-for-purpose agility and co-create essential conversations to accelerate benefits to profit, people, and planet.”
Email jonathan.bouquet@observer.co.uk
• Jonathan Bouquet is an Observer columnist
