When Ellecia Paine’s first marriage ended, she realised there was something missing in her life.
“I thought, ‘I don’t want to do this again’, and realised I wanted to live a non-monogamous life,” Ellecia, from Washington, told The Mirror.
But the salon owner and relationship guru added: “I didn’t really know what that looked like. I didn’t know anyone else who was doing it, so I just decided to start dating and be honest with people that I didn’t want to be in a monogamous relationship.”
After exploring the dating world for a few months, Ellecia met her now-husband, Rob.
“After our first date, he told me I was everything he’d been looking for, and I thought, ‘Oh no’,” Ellecia, 42, laughed.
But Rob, 39, was completely accepting of Ellecia’s non-monogamous lifestyle - because he was doing the same thing.
“He told me, ‘keep doing what you’re doing and learn about your sexuality’,” she said.
Then Rob asked Ellecia if she knew about polyamory.
“I’d never heard the word before, but he explained it to me as the ability to be in love with more than one person at a time.”
The pair continued dating and kept things casual at first, swinging with other couples.
But then Rob fell in love with one of their mutual friends, and things started to become serious.
“It was like, ‘Ok, we’re polyamorous now’,” Ellecia explained.
As their relationship progressed, Ellecia and Rob started to explore the world of polyamory together.
“We had to navigate what it looked like to fall in love. We challenged our monogamous conditioning and the things we thought we were supposed to do,” Ellecia explained.
In time, the pair got engaged and walked down the aisle. They moved in together with Ellecia’s two children and Rob’s child.
Then, in 2017, Rob and Ellecia met their girlfriend, who they formed a triad with. She moved in with the pair, and brought her husband - who is also polyamorous but not involved with the triad - with her.
“It’s a triad, not a throuple - that’s not really a word” Ellecia joked.
Outside of the triad, Ellecia met her other boyfriend two years ago and they are now in a relationship too.
“It takes a lot of scheduling!” she laughed. “We have three kids, businesses to run and multiple partners. So we have a pretty organised shared calendar.”
She says the kids are perfectly happy in the busy household and don’t really question their parents’ lifestyle.
“Nobody sits down with their kids and says, ‘mummy and daddy are monogamous’,” she said.
“We’re open and honest with our children because they’re human beings, but they were three and five when Rob and I got together so it’s just the way things are. When they asked questions, we answer them.
“They have lots of loving people in their lives and that’s what matters.”
Since opening up to polyamory, Ellecia says her relationship is stronger than ever.
“You build up a lot of trust with every time your partner comes back and chooses you. It’s one of the reasons monogamy feels so secure.
“At first, non-monogamy can feel really insecure, but we’ve built something much bigger than that because Rob and I come back to each other purely by choice. He chooses me because he loves me, not because there’s any obligation.”
She argues an honesty between partners is key to embarking on a polyamorous relationship.
“Communication is important. You have to communicate so well and transparently.
“We’ve grown into that and learned to have trust in each other because we’ve come from monogamy to non-monogamy. We were used to the safety of an exclusive relationship, but in the end that winds up undermining your trust in someone else because you’re putting rules on them.”
But it hasn’t always been easy for Ellecia to embrace the polyamorous lifestyle.
“I’m naturally a jealous person, but I fight those instincts because they make me unhappy,” Ellecia explained.
She recalled a time when she and Rob were first dating and she was introduced to his other girlfriend.
“I was scared I’d be replaced,” she said. But after talking to Rob and the girlfriend, Ellecia worked through her worries.
In 2018, Ellecia took Layla Martin’s Sex, Love and Relationship programme with the aim of becoming a sexual empowerment coach for women.
But while she was studying, she noticed people were asking her about non-monogamy.
“They were mostly asking for advice about their current relationships. A lot of people said they’d love to do what I do, but they didn’t know how.”
So after graduating from the course, Ellecia decided to become a relationship coach - using her own life experiences to advise others. She now coaches on polyamory and monogamous relationships.
“I think monogamy is a completely valid relationship structure that works for most people. What I advocate for is people choosing relationships that work for them and everyone else in the relationship.”
Ellecia and Rob’s podcast, Nope, We’re not Monogamous, launches on July 1.
