To reach the Lanserhof Sylt from London, I fly into Hamburg and take a three-hour train. I am an anomaly in doing so; most patients who are bound for the retreat fly in by private jet because this is where the 0.0001 per cent go to detox, with programmes starting at an eye-watering 7,000 euros a week.
On my journey, I spend a couple of hours watching vistas of Germany, all-grey flatlands and portions of listless Wadden Sea roll by, while I’m contemplating the immense hunger that awaits me at the famous wellness clinic. Rather than the pampering sort, it’s this new restrictive kind of retreat that has billionaires clamouring to book in.
The Lanserhof group, which also has retreats in Austrian Tyrol and Tegernsee in Bavaria, is known for its comprehensive medical examinations, which are used to prescribe a super-personalised programme of holistic therapies and advanced treatments. And the reason for the hunger? The resort is renowned for helping people to lose weight using the Mayr method. Popular across Germany and Austria, it treats the digestive system via a bland diet, with each mouthful chewed at least 40 times and intermittent fasting. I follow this method yearly and find it worth the horror to reset and boost my overall wellbeing. So I pull up at Sylt determined to stick to their programme.
The island of Sylt is also a major draw for its elite clientele, combining relative remoteness with Teutonic style and the charm of being by the ocean. Some call it the Hamptons of Germany. And the resort itself is a design fan’s dream come true. As I arrive, I’m confronted by a huge swirling staircase in the reception (white, stark, impressive) and as I walk through the interconnected buildings I’m struck by how cinematic the setting is, like something out of Poirot or a Bond film.
Once I’m settled, I undergo a full-body MOT. My bloods, weight, height and body composition are tested, and my lactic acid, waist measurement and neck size analysed. Next, I have my first appointment with the renowned Dr Stefanie Helmbrecht. Quickly — and correctly — she recognises I’m suffering from exhaustion as a result of working and living in London in the current climate. I’m assured that nature, minus any distractions from tech, is part of the cure, as well as daily appointments including massages, lymphatic drainage, and sessions alternating oxygen-rich and oxygen-poor air to give my lungs a boost.
I am put on a strict diet which is prohibitive in the extreme, mostly consisting of steamed vegetables, portions of coconut yoghurt, some select grains that agree with my system and the odd egg. The idea is that it gives my body what it needs to function but no novelty, nothing that’ll tax my digestive system to give it a rare break.
I am also advised to walk along the sea daily without any earphones to help re-engage my senses. As I take my first wander, I’m struck by how much clearer my mind becomes without listening to music or chatting away to a friend — even if it is grey outside.
This greyness characterises my week, but I come to enjoy the rhythm of my feet hitting the ground, squalls of wind occasionally whipping my body, London and all its stresses working its way out of my system with every slap of sea air.
London isn’t the only thing my body is releasing: by the time I leave I have lost a good two kilograms. This feels minor in comparison to the effect the Lanserhof has had on my mindset: I feel vibrant, energised, and ready to face the city and all its demands again. I realise this is what the billionaires really come here for; yes, having a healthier system feels great, but the doctors here recognise that restoring the rather more elusive sense of vigour is key, too — and they deliver.
That said, I am reminded that for my time there to have any lasting benefit, I need to do the legwork myself at home — “being and staying healthy is hard work,” Helmbrecht tells me. But it is a hell of a lot easier with the head start of knowing exactly what your blind spots are and how to address them.
From £6,167 for a seven-night Lanserhof Cure Classic retreat. lanserhof.com
