Are we missing any TV experts or do we now have the full set? Last night Channel 4 unveiled Landscape Man, gardener Matthew Wilson, who has been enthusiastically although rather implausibly greeted as "an accessible Antonio Banderas". Wilson follows hot on the heels of the broadcaster's buffed-up Restoration Man, George Clarke. They both join a vast army of screen gurus, pundits and coaches who want to make every aspect of our lives just perfect – to help us fix everything from our collapsing meringues to crumbling joints.
The roster is far too vast to enumerate in full, but spans every area of our lives. There are people to tell how to fix your most embarrassing medical complaints (Drs Pixie McKenna and Christian Jessen will see your fistula now), knock years off your appearance and learn to love your "bangers" (Nicky Hambleton-Jones and Gok Wan), choose a tired home you can spend years and thousands renovating (Sarah Beeny, Phil Spencer, Kirstie Allsopp) or build your own palace/folly (Kevin McCloud). They are lining up to show you how to craft your own charming decorations such as handprinted wallpaper for the downstairs loo (Kirstie again), bosh together supper from the vegetable patch you have raised in your walled garden (Jamie Oliver) and knock up the perfect chocolate sauce while you're blubbing over romantic poetry (Sophie Dahl).
Someone will need to think about the kids while you're doing all this, but we have volunteers (Jo Frost, Tanya Byron). And of course there's the cost – but luckily there are plenty of folk ready to tell you how to make money, whether it's finding tat/treasures in the attic (um, Angela Rippon, Aled Jones) or revamping your ailing businesses (Hilary Devey, Alex Polizzi, Ruth Watson, Mary Portas). And when you've given up and just want to flee, they'll suggest where to take a holiday or emigrate (Amanda Lamb).
There's surely not a single area of human interest or endeavour now left unspruced, unimproved or shambolically irreparable. At least, you'd think not. Doubtless TV development teams across the nation still spend hours every month slumped in airless, overlit meeting rooms with their little round sunglasses on, listlessly slurping Frappuccinos while they try to come up with new expert to change viewers' lives.
But have they overlooked anyone? Do we still require more help? Is there anything in your life that you defeats you and on which you urgently require top-level professional guidance? Or even just a few half-arsed tips from a photogenic charmer with an internet diploma and convincing way of passing on information you could find on Wikipedia?
