We got to meet Donald Trump’s family last night in a bizarre, tedious spectacle brought to you by CNN. What did we learn from this exercise in trolling for ratings? Not much. More than anything, it came off as a bit of damage control. His daughters tried to soften their dad’s image as a sexist blowhard. Melania fielded questions from Anderson Cooper like “do you monitor your daughter’s social media” that made her seem less like an unapproachable, glamorous model and more the concerned mom that appeals to the American electorate. She’s very worried about the effects of cyberbullying, too, which makes sense, as she has quite a bit of first-hand knowledge of that phenomenon.
One illuminating piece of information that I did learn, though, is that Donald Trump does not speak to his family the way he speaks during televised debates. If he did, I’d have to wonder why we never got a Kardashians-style reality show starring the Trump clan. They’re photogenic, rich, and fronted by a thirsty egomaniac who would do anything to get his mug on TV. It’s a show I’d assume millions of Americans would tune in to see every week. Just imagine the scene of Trump being asked by his concerned, saintly wife Melania whether or not he booked a carpet cleaner to wash out the red wine stain he left from a dinner party mishap the night before. Come with me, to a better world where Donald Trump isn’t applying to lead the free world, but has taken his rightful place as the star of a Bravo docusoap called Growing Up Trump.
Old Donny walks out of the living room, looking ruffled. He knows he’s been caught not following through on a promise he made to his long-suffering spouse. “Look, I wanted to get that guy out here. I did,” Trump says. “He would have been wonderful. Just wonderful. But I didn’t. I didn’t book him. He’s a good man. Honest. Too expensive, though. I’m not gonna pay $500 for some guy to come out to our house. It’s a beautiful home. Have you seen the crown molding? It’s gorgeous. Of course you have. You live here. In this amazing home. Amazing. I’m not going to pay $500 for some guy to do something I could do myself. I’m not going to, but I could. He should love. Love! He should love to come clean our house, Melania. He’s gonna come here, and he’s gonna pay us to get that stain out. How about that? He’s gonna pay us! That’s how confident I am in this carpet. I believe in this carpet. We’re gonna make this carpet great again.”
Ivanka, the smart daughter, is visiting and can’t believe her parents are fighting over a stained carpet. “Dad, why don’t you swallow your pride and just pay the man,” she asks. “Because, Ivanka. Because. I make deals for a living. Think about all the deals I made to get you into Penn and pay for your clothes. Those earrings. Deals. Your shoes. That’s a deal. Your Porsche. Deal. Deal. Deal. Deal.”
This goes on for awhile, until Donald decides that instead of cleaning the carpet, it would be easier to just make the whole carpet red instead of white, to match the stain. “What’s the difference,” Trump asks Melania. Then, Eric Trump rides through the living room on a hoverboard while texting, knocking over an expensive vase before revealing that he’s dating Kylie Jenner. Cliffhanger! Tell me you wouldn’t watch that every week.
