1. TOM CRUISE All The Right Moves
All The Right Moves was a gooooood movie Tom Cruise did in the 80s. It's a genre the USA doesn't make any more, a drama about blue-collar people trying to get out of the depressed dying town they're in. This was USA movie-making that was sincere before snarkiness took over. I miss those movies. And Cruise is actually good in it.
2. EMMA WATSON Future Mrs Friedlander
Emma's a good actor and has been writing me 30 love letters a day non-stop for two years.
3. TINA FEY Secret Doughnut Addict
Tina eats very healthy. But I think she's a dessert lover at heart. And she loves a good doughnut.
4. NICK GRIMSHAW 2 Cool 4 Slogans
I've been told to make up hat slogans for people. Even people whom I don't know. I don't know Nick but was informed Nick is very fashionable, so he might be too cool to stoop to wearing a hat.
5. THE QUEEN World Champion Approved
I, the World Champion, approve of the Queen. And she approves of me. I'm the only American she has ever knighted.
6. DAVID CAMERON Karate Non-Belt
I don't know much about Mr Cameron but I know I would beat him in an election or a karate fight. He obviously never read my instructional karate book How To Beat Up Anybody.
7. RIHANNA Where Am I?
I don't know much about her. But she always looks lost.
8. PAUL HOLLYWOOD Big Cookie In Heat
I'm writing this on a plane and haven't had time to research everyone. I don't know Paul and haven't even seen a photo of him. But if he makes food, he's cool by me.
9. DWAYNE JOHNSON Trained By Judah
The man's in good shape. Obviously he's trained by me.
10. DAVID BECKHAM Former Athlete
I like Beckham. But love him or dislike him, he's one of the greatest male models ever to play football.
