The news has been rather gloomy lately and it feels like an appropriate time for some light relief. What better than to check out which jokes from stand-up comedians were voted the funniest at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe which concludes tomorrow. Unfortunately this year's offerings are either not particularly funny or I can't understand them. Perhaps I'm getting too ancient to appreciate modern wit. Anyway prepare yourself for a few quick groans.
The winner was Masai Graham with his one-liner: "I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta". Hardly a side-splitter, but it was voted the best. Most of them explored similar painful pun territory and felt a bit like those awful jokes you get in cheap Christmas crackers. Maybe it's the way they tell them.
For the curious the runner-up was "Did you know that if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery?" Hmmm.
Looking down the list, the remainder were not particularly inspiring although the 10th-ranked "I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days" wasn't a bad effort, even though I've seen graffiti with a very similar message.
In desperation I looked at past winners and the best of the bunch was back in 2014 when English comedian Tim Vine came out with: "I decided to sell my Hoover…well, it was just collecting dust."
That's definitely groanworthy.
Tears of a clown
To be fair, being a stand-up comedian is a tough profession and many can't handle the pressure. Just imagine going on stage, cracking a couple of jokes and being greeted by absolute silence from the audience. That can't be fun.
In his autobiography A Clown Too Many the late British comedian Les Dawson described his experience as a young performer after a disastrous show in Hull.
"I stumbled off stage to a chorus of jeers and fled into the black night to my digs. That night I sobbed myself to slumber."
Dawson took a lot of criticism for being a leading exponent of mother-in-law jokes. He realized it was time to change his material when he was confronted in the street by a little old lady who threatened to castrate him if he didn't stop telling such jokes.
Curiously one person who was not upset by the jokes was Dawson's own mother-in-law. She would crack up whenever he told them and enjoyed the celebrity that went with being the mother- in- law of all mothers- in- law.
Give and take
Among the hardest things to handle for stand-up comedians are hecklers. The Tunnel Club in Greenwich, London was notorious for such characters. One comedian came on stage and opened up with "I'm a schizophrenic" only to be cut off by a member of the audience shouting "F--- off then -- both of you!"
Another exchange occurred when a comedian tried to humour a persistent heckler with "OK ask me something topical". The heckler responded "Get off!" The comedian replied, "That's not topical" to which the heckler countered with "Get off -- now!"
One comedian spotted an audience member leaving his seat, and put the spotlight on the fellow and asked where he was going. The fellow shouted back, "I am just going to take a leak before the comedian comes on."
Doggy tears
The BBC have been reporting that dogs may actually shed tears of joy when they are reunited with their owners. I'm not convinced about the tears, but they certainly have emotions just like the rest of us. My current dog was given to me about five years ago as a puppy by a monk at a Chaiyaphum temple. I love the dog even though he barks too much, especially when squirrels invade his patch.
The dog often comes to me for solace, or to be more accurate, food. With his big brown eyes he stares at me with that soulful, pleading look that all dog owners are familiar with. I always succumb and award him with a treat which he alarmingly consumes in half-a-minute and then comes back for seconds. Oh well.
Furry friend
I must admit to shedding a tear when my previous dog, Toby died. He was only a little fellow, a Shih Tzu, but had been a faithful companion for 14 years and had brought much happiness. Toby faithfully licked my toes every morning which I interpreted as a sign of true loyalty although the wife insisted it was because I had smelly feet.
Toby was also a very good listener and never contradicted me… well, not a lot. I even bought a dog basket for him tastefully decorated with bones and teddy bears. Of course he chose to sleep anywhere but the basket. Maybe the teddy bears put him off.
Anyway if you have a dog please give it a hug whenever you can. A tickle on the tummy also goes down quite well.
Tasteless joke
Finally, the "clown" in the title of that Dawson book reminded me of an old Tommy Cooper gag: "There are two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'"
Well, it's better than those Edinburgh Fringe jokes.
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