I don't know about you, but when I think of what is "essential" in the midst of the murderous COVID-19 pandemic, I think of four things: food, water, medicine ... and professional wrestling.
Not necessarily in that order.
Thank heavens for courageous Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, who deemed World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) an "essential" service, right up there with food, water and medicine. Oh, and mass religious gatherings _ because you can't expect God to make house calls.
With all the fake news out there, we need something real. Something believable. Who does believable better than pro wrestling?
I'm not sure how my family, or any family, was going to make it much longer without seeing Braun Strowman's latest get-up or Gronk in a onesie. You might be concerned with the paucity of COVID-19 tests and medical equipment in parts of the country. I'm concerned with how Ronda Rousey's beef with Nia Jax turns out.
Indeed, "Monday Night Raw" and "Friday Night SmackDown" will continue, without fans, at Full Sail University in Winter Park, Fla., whether you like it or not, despite the state's stay-at-home order. And you better believe I'll be tuning in with millions of my fellow Americans on USA Network and Fox, respectively.
So never mind that the wrestlers will obliterate social distancing rules by sweating all over each other and slamming their heads into each other's crotches.
Never mind the safety of the other people working to produce the events, or the fact that one WWE employee has tested positive (it was an on-screen talent, not a wrestler!).
Never mind that many people consider DeSantis nothing more than a Trump puppet doing the bidding of massive Trump donors (and WWE owners) Vince and Linda McMahon. Never mind, too, that Linda is a former Trump cabinet official who committed her Trump reelection PAC to spending $18.5 million in Florida the same day her husband announced WWE would be doing live tapings in Florida.
Coincidence!
All fake!
Never mind the critics who don't trust DeSantis, saying he kept his beaches open well into March in order to wring whatever revenue he could out of spring break and in doing so put thousands at risk.
Never mind that USA Today (FAKE NEWS!) determined the second week of April was the deadliest yet in this country, with 12,056 Americans succumbing to COVID-19 in the course of those seven days.
Never mind that Alex Nazaryan of Yahoo News (nasty man!) made this tweet: "Florida now has twice as many coronavirus cases (20,601) as South Korea (10,537). About 30 million more people live in South Korea than in Florida."
Never mind, especially, this tweet from a random person (who cares about random people?) named Bryant Durrell: "Let's sharpen this a bit. Linda McMahon made her fortune as a WWE executive. DeSantis just saved WWE from breaching their Fox TV contract and losing $205 million per year. McMahon currently runs Trump's SuperPAC."
Never mind, especially ESPECIALLY, an Orlando Sentinel op-ed (FAILING NEWS!) that began this way: "Say this about Florida: We take our role as America's classroom dunce seriously. Not even a pandemic can stop us. While most of the nation's COVID-19 news is focused on health care, infection rates and a shuttered economy, Florida is making headlines for allowing professional wrestling events to continue."
I'm sticking with the McMahons, who obviously are not doing this for profit but for the good of the country. They are patriots. They also fired all kinds of people Wednesday, including Pittsburgh legend Kurt Angle, but I believe deeply in their philanthropic nature.
Did you not see WWE's statement on winning the right to stage live events during a pandemic?
"We believe it is now more important than ever to provide people with a diversion from these hard times. ... As a brand that has been woven into the fabric of society, WWE and its Superstars bring families together and deliver a sense of hope, determination and perseverance."
DeSantis, too, bleeds red, white and blue. And he is right when he says we are "starved" for content. I mean, a lot of you might be starved for other things, trivial things _ jobs, food, hugs from a loved one, one more conversation with a deceased family member _ but admit it: Above all, you are starved for pro wrestling.
Join me now in our closing hymn: "In Ron We Trust."
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