Dear Coleen, I’m a 31-year-old woman and I’ve been single for about three-and-a-half years after finally leaving a controlling partner.
Although being on my own all through the pandemic was hard, I’ve actually been loving single life lately, enjoying my job and my friends, and basically being free to do exactly what I want.
The fly in the ointment is that a guy has come into my life who I quite like. It’s very early days and we haven’t slept together yet. The truth is, I’m nervous of getting involved with anyone after my previous relationship, and I also feel in a good place.
I don’t need a man in my life, although I would like the whole marriage and kids thing at some point.
This guy was introduced to me through a mutual friend, who says he’s a good person and he wouldn’t hurt me, but we all know that relationships can get complicated and messy.
What should I do? He’s invited me out with some of his friends over New Year and I want to go, but I don’t know what he’s expecting.
I haven’t slept with anyone either since my last relationship ended, so I have that hurdle to overcome, too. Please help.
Coleen says
Well, I understand that feeling. It’s so liberating when you break away from a situation that made you unhappy and naturally you don’t want to throw a spanner into the works. But, look, why not take it at your own pace?
It doesn’t matter what he’s expecting, it matters what you want. If you fancy going out with him and his friends, then do it, and if he wants to move faster than you do, speak up.
You managed to get out of a controlling relationship, so you’re already a warrior!
However, I believe that if you’ve been in a very controlling relationship, you’d benefit from counselling. I started going this year as I kept pushing away a relationship that was perfect for me.
My counsellor helped me realise I’d been damaged by past associations and it helped me a lot.
You know you don’t need to be with a man because you’re happy on own – that’s a great place to be. Needing something and wanting something are two different things. This could be a fresh chapter for you and, equally, if it doesn’t work out you know you’ll be fine single.
You’re now an expert in the signs of a controlling relationship, so those red flags will jump out and you’ll be off.
As far as sex goes, it’ll happen naturally when you’re ready – don’t overthink it. Trust me, I never thought it would happen for me again in my 50s, so I didn’t think about it and it just happened. Good luck.
