We’re currently all salivating over Lily Allen’s delicious new album West End Girl. But while her salacious tunes are played on repeat in our houses and cars, spare a thought for her poor children.
There is no such thing as a cool parent. It doesn't matter how famous you are. Earlier this year Mariah Carey, the most successful female artist of all time, embarrassed her son by jumping into the background of his twitch stream as the 14-year-old visibly cringed.
But the worst thing a parent can do is talk about sex. As far as a child is concerned their parents accidentally fell into each other at their conception or at the very most begrudgingly did it with the sole goal of procreating. Parents don't have sex for pleasure, they close their eyes and think of old wars or meal prep or something equally unsexual.
Yet, if you’re Lilly Allen's children (now 13 and 12), you can no longer live in blissful ignorance. You can’t lock yourself in a denial shaped room when your stepfather’s butt plug is banging at the door.
Read more: David Harbour breaks his silence
Ironically, the very aspect that might be causing her children strife is why the album is resonating with so many. It’s honest and frank from a demographic that we don't usually hear from: a 40-year-old divorcee. In it, Allen gives her take on the breakdown of her relationship (she has said she has used some artistic license) with Stranger Things actor David Harbour whom she married in 2020. This includes the parameters of their open marriage — ‘Be discreet and don't be blatant. There had to be payment. It had to be with strangers’ — and memorably details of what Allen allegedly found in Harbour’s West Village apartment — ‘Duane Reade bag with the handles tied. Sex toys, butt plugs, lube inside. Hundreds of Trojans.’
So, for Allen’s children, it can't be easy suddenly knowing far too much. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some puritanical harpy, suggesting mothers should keep mum about their sex lives. That would be particularly hypocritical since I had a baby a year ago and regularly write about sex. If anything, I think Allen should double down for her next album. I want to dance to accounts of her rebound sex and enjoy a ballad where she reads out the angry texts I’m sure Harbour has sent her this month.
But there has been some collateral damage. Our lives have all been made better by Lily's art and one victim is her ex (forgive me if I don’t shed a tear for him), but another may be her children.
If I could, I would tell Allen's kids how cool I think their mum is. But my opinion will have no impact on the next generation. I’m a millennial, and my liking something isn’t just irrelevant to a young Gen Zer (or Alpha?), it actively makes it lame. Gen Z avoid millennial interests like we’re infected with an ancient plague. It’s like when Rishi Sunak wore Sambas and had to apologise to Adidas fans for tarnishing the brand. Allen is millennial crack. Inject it straight into my veins while I watch Friends, post a Boomerang, and reply to a WhatsApps with a series of memes. Her children won't care about the adoration of a 30-year-old.
Kids can be mean, especially those entering teenage years. Finding out that your stepdad, who you probably looked up to, is allegedly such a dirt bag must be difficult. And it feels incredibly likely that Pussy Palace (one of the album’s most iconic songs) has been played to taunt them in a classroom.
At school I had my own mortifying incident when during a school break I found a fellow classmate had left a photo cut out from a magazine on my desk. The picture was my naked father (the late writer A.A. Gill) painted silver in the thinking man pose for an article he’d written. I was horrified as the girls around me giggled furiously.
Obviously, that was nothing compared to the millions who have listened to West End Girl. But, my point is, kids are unpredictable, and you never really know what’s going to take over school gossip or how long it will last. Pretty quickly they’ll move onto the next embarrassing parent or older sibling.
So, my advice to Allen’s children is to own it. Set Pussy Palace as your ringtone; bring your lunch into school in a Duane Reade bag. It’s only bad if you let it be, and one day you’ll love those tunes as much as the rest of us. The truth is Allen’s kids are undoubtedly used to it. Allen speaks openly on her podcast, Miss Me with Miquita Oliver and she shared a lot in her memoir, ‘My Thoughts Exactly’. I imagine they see the public Lily Allen persona as very separate to the woman they call mum.
When I found that photo of my nude father on my desk I took it and pinned it onto my cork board surrounded by photos of the rest of my family. Was I embarrassed that the just-out-of-sight, grey gonads of the man that raised me were watching me study? Of course! He looked like a pervert creeping up on Medusa turned halfway into stone. But I wasn't going to let other people see my horror. I was going to be in on the joke no matter how much it scarred me.
It’s a universal rite of passage for a child to be embarrassed by their parents, so it might as well be for something good, and West End Girl is great. At least the millions of listeners might help pay for their future therapy.
