LET US DO THIS
Football fandom is by its very nature an embarrassing thing: grown adults goading each other about who can clap loudest. Generally, the coincidence of talent allows the players to exempt themselves from such tomfoolery, preoccupied with performing wondrous feats and enjoying the consequent riches. Not so Gareth Bales, renowned one-man team and champion lover, who is certain that his is “the most passionate country”. And this truth is not, he insists, simply one of the bedroom, but also manifests in how wondrously he and his underlings sing their national anthem then cry about it afterwards.
Obviously, this translates to extreme footballing prowess, evidenced by Wales’s thumping 2-1 win over the mighty Slovakia. With this, they announced themselves as serious players in international football, in the process of this dazzling explosion also inventing trying hard and national pride. Previously, this was thought to be the preserve of every other country in the world, but by substituting it for skill, England, Scotland, O’Ireland and Norn Iron 1-0 have enjoyed many years of unparalleled success. And they don’t even have a dragon “to play for”! Which other country can call upon a mythological creature with questionable footballing aptitude to sustain it? Exactly! Dracarys!
Against England, though, this tactic runs into trouble, for they are fortified by brave St George, gallant slayer of spectacular, unarmed beasts. On the other hand, it does remain the case that a dragon would beat a lion in a fight, if only it existed and if only the only lions in England weren’t in captivity under lock and key.
Mr Roy, current custodian of the aforementioned, deemed himself “perfectly satisfied with the passion we bring to our game”, also managing to grasp that football matches are settled by goals rather than goosebumps. “Talk is talk,” he revealed; “action on the field is action on the field.” More news as he gets it. Thus, all that remains is for us to enjoy the worst, most self-important football match of all-time. Enjoy!
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Get ready for day seven’s action.
And you should definitely watch this film on Wales: a footballing nation reborn.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I saw the pictures as well and obviously sometimes you do things subconsciously. It happened and I am sorry. It was adrenaline and concentration. I will try to behave differently in the future” – Germany coach Jogi Löw explains his touchline trousers scratch and sniff episode during the win over Ukraine.
FIVER LETTERS
“Everyone’s favourite ‘tea-time’ football-related missive arriving in my inbox at 12.42pm (yesterday’s Fiver)? Something dodgy is going on here! Has The Fiver decided to escape work early and embark on a 24-hour Tin session, in order to try and numb the pain of England’s miserable defeat? Truth be told, I’m only jealous” – Dan Makeham.
“Over here in USA! USA!! USA!!! I checked Big Website, as is my wont each morning around 9am and, lo and behold, there was an early edition of The Fiver. Now, I know that low tea is at around 3pm and is had by those in the upper echelons – am I using a word The Fiver can’t understand [In? – Fiver Ed] – of society and high tea, had about 5pm, is enjoyed by those not of the upper echelons, but the working class, hence your tea-timely email. Now, I know The Fiver is no member of either of these classes, so what is The Fiver on about? Trying to go one better than low tea? Isn’t your Purple Tin low enough? Or are there no lows for The Fiver? [new subscriber? – Fiver Ed] I am reminded now what the answer is, judging by your daily email” – Nigel Assam.
“Re: yesterday’s Quote of the Day and Icelandic player Kari Arnarson referring to Him as fannying around. Come on, did he really use that phrase? That made me laugh so much. He must have been exposed to Scotland [Aberdeen – Fiver Ed]. Hilarious. That is now in the pantheon of sporting greats alongside Rumble In The Jungle, Maradona’s World Cup, Seb Coe’s double at the Olympics and the Scottish Grand Slam of 1990. I’m gonna support Iceland from now on. Which is a lot more fun than being Scottish” – Marc Meldrum.
“The most worrying thing about the various pictures of ‘AC Jimbo and co’ is that they always appear immediately above the Join Guardian Soulmates headline. If these are the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you, then being single has never seemed so attractive” – Paul Lakin.
“Your comments on Russian player Artem Dzyuba may have some validity (yesterday’s Fiver), but do not forget he is partly correct in his views on the English fans. For there were no Russians south of the Loire when the first whiff of tear gas drifted across le vieux port in Marseille” – Roger Perry.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Dan Makeham.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Join AC Jimbo and co for the latest edition of Euro 2016 Football Daily.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope.
BITS AND BOBS
France are through the knockout stage, but coach Didier Deschamps is still having to deal with some funky moods after dropping Paul Pogba and Antoine Griezmann for the win over Albania. “I know [Griezmann] is not happy, nor is Paul Pogba,” he tootled. “Paul Pogba was more of a tactical decision … I thought we needed two real scrappers in the middle of the park. As for Griezmann, I am managing him.”
Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini claimed last week that off the pitch he’s really just a chilled-out entertainer, but Sweden’s midfielder Albin Ekdal suggests otherwise. “We will have to try to wind him up but he is not an unwise swine,” blathered Ekdal. “He doesn’t do much off the ball but he likes to play-act and influence the referees. It’s classic Italian stuff. I guess we will have to try to do the same.”
Chief FA suit Martin Glenn has appealed for England fans to behave after their latest clashes with Russian fans and French police. “Behave responsibly, come and enjoy the game but just have a think about the wider position,” he parped, tardily shutting the stable door. “Show some consideration and respect.”
The publicity-hungry small north Wales town of Bala has put itself on the list by renaming itself Bale for the duration of Euro 2016. And The Fiver is now complicit, bah! “Gareth Bale is an international sporting star and this move should put Bala, sorry, Bale, on the international map,” honked councillor Dilwyn Morgan.
Aston Villa will be “going for [Big Cup]” within 10 years, according to the club’s new owner Tony Xia, explaining the logic behind appointing Big Cup-winning coach Roberto Di Matteo.
Martin Skrtel looks set to scare strikers in Turkey next season after closing in on a £5.5m transfer from Liverpool to Fenerbahce.
And Zlatan Ibrahimovic could be heading to Rio, having been named in Sweden’s provisional squad.
RECOMMENDED QUIZZING
Which Wales striker did former manager Bobby Gould offer outside, and more teasers in our England v Wales quiz.
STILL WANT MORE?
For the Sport Network, Steven Pye takes us back to 1984, when Wales humbled a stellar England side featuring Paul Walsh, John Gregory and Sammy Lee in Wrexham.
Gareth Bale has been braying in Mr Roy’s ear for days now, but the England manager isn’t biting – and rightly so, writes Daniel Taylor.
From John Hartson to Jack Collison, former Wales players reflect on England meetings past with Stuart James.
Aesthetic arguments, historic kick-off routines and DNA on cigarettes, all in Andy Hunter’s big Norn Iron 1-0 Ukraine preview.
Where are Euro 2016 stars Nolito, Leonardo Bonucci and, er, well, also Romelu Lukaku off to? Find out in today’s Rumour Mill.
Marek Hamsik was the star as Russia and Slovakia met in “a vast agricultural silage shed” outside Lille. Barney Ronay reports.
Gazza, Ronnie Whelan and the Czech Republic v Bamber Bridge in this week’s Euros-centric Classic YouTube.
And Michael Butler has a Premier League XI of released players available for free. Go wild in the aisles, bargain hunters!
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.AND INSTACHAT TOO!
