I think I might like this guy and I’m pretty sure he’s my type. Should I experiment while I’m still in high school or just wait? I want to date him but I don’t know if I should pursue a relationship.
It might just be as others call it “puppy love” but I’m afraid if I don’t try, I might not have enough experience when I’m older and actually looking to settle down. I feel it would be best just to know what kind of guys I like but I don’t want to get in the relationship, realise it’s not what I want and have someone get hurt. What should I do?
Eleanor says: Already you’re doing something that it takes lots of people years to learn: you’re worrying about whether you’ll hurt other people. That in itself is a pretty good inoculation against some of the worst of heartbreak.
I’m sure lots of people have told you that this is the time to “experiment”, making it sound like something to get out of your system before things get serious later on. I think the better way to think about this is that you’re allowed to start living now. You don’t have to wait for life to “really start” in a mythical, far-off adulthood. You can fall in love now, take risks now, make choices now and see how they go.
The case to ask this guy out isn’t just to experiment the way you’d try an ice-cream flavour or see a movie just to say you have. It’s not just about putting experiences in a bank. The case to ask him out is that life is now. High school doesn’t have to be a hypothesis dry-run: this can be when you start to really learn who you are and what you want.
I said “learn” on purpose and not “decide”, because a lot of this stuff isn’t entirely up to us. Big life things, such as what you might turn out to want in a partner – which vices you’re most prone to, what makes you feel loved and what drives you nuts – that’s knowledge it’s really important to get, but you can’t get it all by introspection. Some of it you have to learn from experience.
It’s very considerate of you to be worried about someone getting hurt. But there are two things I’d say. One is that you’re not going to reach adulthood without being hurt. Nor is this boy you like, or any other boy. As long as you’re fair and kind and reliable, hurt alone isn’t a reason to avoid things.
First heartbreak can knock you around, but you will be OK. So will he, if it’s his heart that ends up broken. Hurt gets us all sometimes. It is an absolute guarantee in these coming years of your life. But you will get through it faster if you don’t treat it as something that should always be avoided.
The second is to think of the potential for fun, as well as the potential for hurt. High school love can be some of the most fun you’ll ever have. Crushes and first kisses and first dates are the stuff of feel-good movies for a reason: they can feel really good! The relationships you have at this age, from flings to love connections, can be the silliest, giddiest, most ridiculous fun.
So saying “just puppy love” is a bit like saying just fireworks or just a sunset. Sure, these things are only here for a tiny moment. But who says that makes them less captivating, less fun to stare at wide-eyed, less worthy of your attention?
You don’t need to save your life for later. You get to start living it now.
This letter has been edited for clarity.
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