I am a healthy, fit, 39-year-old guy. My partner and I had a night that involved a male friend joining us and I loved watching her play with someone else. It was the biggest turn-on I had ever experienced. We did it again a year later, and I felt the same way. For once in my life, I actually felt normal and comfortable with my sexuality – but my girlfriend doesn’t feel the same way.
Relax. This is a normal fantasy for many people – you just took it one step further and acted it out. But if your girlfriend does not want to join this acted fantasy, the question of sexual consent is now present. Can you keep this fantasy to yourself, to be used during masturbation? If not, you need to decide whether it is fair to either of you to have a long-term relationship where something that is so profoundly exciting to you will be missing.
Another aspect of your particular sexual interest should be considered. Try not to feel threatened by this, but sometimes this particular fantasy is enjoyed by people who have not realised they are bisexual. You used the word “normal” in your question: think carefully about the possibility that you may have previously denied your sexual orientation. In such a scenario with another man, your girlfriend may actually be acting out your own hidden desires.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
