I am a 22-year-old male and I’m very confused about my sexuality. I don’t know if I’m gay, straight or bi. I have had sex with women and I enjoy it, but generally I don’t find myself massively aroused. I am concerned I might be gay, though: I sometimes find I’m thinking about men, and looking at them when I’m out and about. That said, I have watched gay porn and it doesn’t turn me on. Nor does lesbian porn – only straight porn works. Please help me – this has been an ongoing problem since I was 16 and I am finding each day a struggle. I just want to know what I am!
You are at a very early stage of sexual self-discovery. Most people go through a period of anxiety over the questions “Who am I sexually?” and “Am I normal?” In fact, these questions can only elicit artificial answers, since fully knowing oneself can be a very long process involving a great deal of experimentation. And when it comes to sex, “normality” is not really a useful construct. Instead, of obsessing about ‘Who am I’, ask yourself why you feel the need to label yourself at all. Try to inoculate yourself from the ubiquitous societal tendency to pigeonhole – and focus instead on responding to your true desire for a person of any gender when it arises. Allow yourself to seek genuine human connection and pure pleasure without self judgment or fear of being judged.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
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