Fans have begged Rihanna to get back in the studio for years. And, by that, I can’t imagine any of them meant specifically to voice Smurfette in an obnoxious reboot (and fourth American-made film) of the Smurfs, playing second fiddle to James Corden. Posters for Smurfs have repeatedly screamed at us that, “Rihanna is Smurfette”– as if that’s meant to trigger some kind of ecstatic revelation in itself. But, why, exactly, is Rihanna Smurfette? And why has it been deemed necessary for Smurfette to always be voiced by a pop star (first Katy Perry, then Demi Lovato), despite not being any more or less musical than the rest of the Smurfs?
This is the kind of untraceable logic the Smurfs franchise has always operated on. The first two films, a blend of live action and CGI, tossed the magical little denizens of a mushroom village, originally dreamt up by Belgian comics artist Peyo, into the real world to go bother Neil Patrick Harris. The third was a fully animated reboot. All three were under Sony. Now Paramount is having a crack. And this Smurfs might just be the worst of the lot, because it’s simultaneously derivative and so crammed with new Smurfs lore that it may make you yearn for the comparatively humble hijinks of Marvel’s multiverse.
We start with talk of the pan-universal strife caused by a pact of evil wizards hellbent on stealing the four magical books that keep all things in balance. The last tome, named Jaunty Grimoire and voiced by Amy Sedaris, escapes to Smurf Village to hide. But, when she hears No Name Smurf (Corden) sing a self-pitying little ditty about how he has no personality, Jaunty feels bad for him and grants him some of her magic. See, the Smurfs are traditionally named after their defining trait, à la “Hefty Smurf”, “Clumsy Smurf”, or “Worry Smurf”. No Name hasn’t thought of simply settling for, “Poor Self Image Smurf”.
All of this backfires when No Name gets Papa Smurf (John Goodman) kidnapped – not by their traditional nemesis Gargamel (JP Karliak), but by his brother Razamel (also Karliak), whose only differentiating quirks are that he’s short and hates cats. The Smurfs are thus forced into an interdimensional adventure that is as unpleasant to look at as it is to think about. The characters are presented in the of-the-moment style of CGI rendered to look like hand-drawn animation, but with a scarcity of detail and a flatness usually associated with preschool television.
It’s mildly horrifying when they gyrate for the camera like Addison Rae, even more horrifying when you realise how many jokes in this film are centred around weight (every Smurf has exactly the same body, why would you possibly introduce the concept of body dysmorphia into their world?) Suddenly, the Smurfs end up in actual, real-life Paris, yet never directly interact with a human person beyond scuttling past their feet. And no one seems at all concerned by the presence of tiny, blue elves at the discothèque, which renders every single live-action sequence pointless, while implying that the local drug supply is very, very good.
And, yes, Rihanna does have new music in this, but you won’t remember a single note or, really, any of her contributions. All she does is offer Corden’s character advice on embracing his true self and knowing when to be brave. Despite Smurfette famously being the only female Smurf in the village, no one at any point sings or references the Rihanna classic “Only Girl (In the World)”. So, let me ask again. Why exactly is Rihanna Smurfette?
Dir: Chris Miller. Starring: Rihanna, James Corden, Nick Offerman, JP Karliak, Daniel Levy, Amy Sedaris, Natasha Lyonne, Sandra Oh, Jimmy Kimmel, John Goodman. Cert U, 92 minutes.
‘Smurfs’ is in cinemas from 18 July
