I’m in a relationship with someone I care about very, very much. We have so much in common, we both help each other on our journeys. People love seeing us together, and we benefit from our mutual connections as well. On paper, we are perfect … except that I find myself constantly attracted to other women of a completely different type.
I knew about this difference in physical type when I met her, but I’d hoped that part of it was to do with a porn watching issue. I was never an hours-and-hours-a-day user, I just didn’t like my relationship with it. I have reached a consistent month with no watching, as of today, and I have had streaks like this before, but I am afraid that porn is still affecting how I perceive the relationship.
I am also developing straight-up crushes on other women. I hate it, I wish it would go away because I am on such a good path with this person, but the physical attraction is only like a 3/10! I don’t know what the next steps are. I cry because I don’t know if I should let her go, and she notices. What should I do?*
Eleanor says: Desire isn’t famed for its responsiveness to good reason. It’s kind of the opposite. I’ve written before that love and desire are – for some people – right on the edge of being contradictory: love responds to what we know, and desire responds to mystery.
I wonder whether some part of this is to do with just how “good on paper” you are. For a lot of people, desire lives in the taboo: the whole point and thrill of it is that it exists in the shadows just offstage. When you act from desire, you’re stepping out of the usual rules to do something unshackled and animal. Try to bring that desire into daylight, back among the rules and business of normal life, and it dissolves.
Too much of this kind of categorising can give a guy a complex. You can wind up not knowing how to simultaneously know and cherish someone in the daylight and want to toss them around in the dark. If you think there’s anything like that going on here, then that – rather than “physical type” – is what to focus on, perhaps with the help of a therapist.
That aside, there are some things you could try to awaken desire that goes beyond physical type.
One might be to get really focused on what she likes, has liked before, wishes you’d do more of together. You don’t want the economy of desire between you to get stuck on whether you’re into her. Paying attention to whether she’s into you can wake things up a bit. In all likelihood she’s desired and been desired before you, fantasised about others and been someone else’s fantasy too. Remembering that she has this part of her life without and outside you can make you want to get in on it. It might wake up something red-blooded to remember that you might have things to prove to her in this domain, as well as the other way around.
Another strategy might be to focus on how much you can make her have a good time. It sounds like you really do care about her, see a good path together, respect her. There doesn’t need to be a schism between how you feel about her as a person and how you feel about her body. Some of the best physical intimacy is precisely about showing another person how you feel – not waiting for their body to make yours feel something. If you can make your physical time together about what you can give her, that can, in a nice sleight-of-hand, wake up your own desire. Chasing ever-higher connection and surrender can be a lot more fun than chasing a particular kind of body.
A word of caution, though: you say that she notices this. Usually I think candour is the currency of relationships, but I wouldn’t talk to her about the other “type”. You could mean so much by that – race, size, colouring, vibe – and she just doesn’t need to compare herself to people she’s never going to resemble.
I think the options are to fix this or let her go. The middle option – doing her a favour by keeping her in a relationship where she’s compared unfavourably to pornography or other women – is no favour at all.
You’re not the only person who will want her: don’t keep her from other options if you can only ever desire her at “3/10”.
*This letter has been edited for length
***
Ask us a question
Do you have a conflict, crossroads or dilemma you need help with? Eleanor Gordon-Smith will help you think through life’s questions and puzzles, big and small. Your questions will be kept anonymous.
If you’re having trouble using the form, click here. Read terms of service here
