“I would clearly never have chosen the deeply traumatic losses I experienced, but having finally processed the grief, trauma and anxiety they caused, I’ve found a sense of calm which I never thought was possible,” reflects Wendy Smith.
"The journey has felt like scaling a mountain at times but the view I now have as I reach the top has been worth the hard climb.
“I hope that by sharing my story, others will see that it is possible to find happiness after deep loss.”
A sudden death
"I lost my brother overnight when I was 14. He had suffered an epileptic fit in the night and my mother found him unresponsive the next morning.
"In the days that followed, all I remember is feeling numb, confused, disconnected and very afraid.
"Determined not to be marked out by this tragedy, I blocked it out and pretended everything was okay. I used the 'three Ds', as a friend called them: Distraction, Denial and Drink, to see me through my A-levels and I headed off to Cambridge University to study Modern Languages.
"The blocking out only worked for a while and my anxiety got so bad that I eventually signed up to see a university counsellor. However, pouring out my emotions proved just too painful, and I quickly put a lid back on everything.
"So long as I kept busy, my anxiety was manageable, and I found I could ignore the deep sadness I felt.
"After I graduated, I got a great job as a graduate trainee for Marks and Spencer in London and married my long-term boyfriend, Roger."
Running from the pain
"I was 24 when the next tragedy happened.
"Returning from a holiday in France, I saw my uncle Malcolm and aunt Rosemary waiting for me in Arrivals at Gatwick. I thought my cousin must be landing from a holiday too, but they were there to break the news that my mum had been in a fatal car accident the night before.
"I’ll never forget the agony later that day of saying goodbye to mum, who was brain-dead but on a life support machine.
"Over the next few years, I progressed at work, but my life slowly began to fall apart as my fear of loss was all-consuming.
"My marriage broke down, so Roger and I divorced, but we remained close. I was unable to handle stress, and my career stalled. I lost all my confidence.
"I was then completely shattered again when my father died in 2008, just as I turned 40. Over the years, I tried having counseling to deal with the loss of my parents and brother, but I didn’t feel it changed much, so I carried on ‘running’ from my issues, trying not to feel the sadness.
"I’d remained very good friends with my ex, Roger, and was devastated by his sudden death from an aggressive brain tumor in 2017.
"My uncle and aunt had the courage to suggest I might benefit from getting some help to process yet another painful loss. It was such an important intervention and the best decision I ever made."
Seeking support
"Initially I saw a grief counselor, which was hugely helpful, but as I was coming to the end of that chapter of therapy, my friend Sara reminded me about EFT or 'Tapping', which we had both come across years before and knew was effective in dealing with stress, trauma and anxiety.
"EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Technique. It's a form of therapy rooted in acupressure, which uses tapping on various parts of the face and upper body to calm the nervous system. As the brain moves into a state of relaxation with continued tapping, people feel able to talk about extremely stressful, traumatic experiences and release them in a calm, safe way."
"I’ve found fulfillment in my 50s as a stronger, calmer, centered me"
"I found my six sessions transformational and immediately decided to train in this evidence-based technique myself, both to continue using it to deal with my own issues and to help others.
"The training is very thorough as you need to learn both the tapping techniques and to develop therapeutic and coaching skills. After completing 50 hours of case studies, being mentored and sitting various exams, I became a Certified Practitioner.
"I am currently doing my advanced training and now help clients both online and face-to-face by combining coaching with tapping to deal with anxiety, stress and feeling stuck."
Finding a new me
"While I’ve now fully processed the most painful aspects of my past, I still experience anxiety and stress like many others and find tapping can really help me get grounded and calm enough to deal with whatever life throws up.
"It’s also opened me up to new connections. In 2024, after 15 years alone, I finally felt ready to share my life again and am now in a wonderful, happy relationship with my partner Jim.
"It’s such an unexpected joy to find a new way forward in mid-life and my coaching and therapy work provides such purpose.
"I’ve found fulfillment in my 50s as a stronger, calmer, centered me; shaped by the pain of my past but finally living a full life in the present and looking positively to the future without fear."
