After my divorce, which came through a few months ago, I started seeing a lovely guy I met online, who’s also divorced.
We had a lot in common, both trying to come to terms with the end of our marriages, dealing with exes and parenting our kids.
We agreed from the start we just wanted to have fun together without any ties or commitments.
I was 100% into this idea and didn’t want another heavy relationship so soon after my marriage ended, plus I didn’t think it would be fair on my kids.
Anyway, we have been enjoying spending time together, but he told me a few nights ago that he didn’t want to carry on because he was starting to like me too much and knew it wouldn’t be right to get any more involved.
I was totally crushed and it made me realise that I had also fallen for him in a big way.
The trouble is, I want to carry on seeing him and I want us to have a relationship.
I’ve spent the past few nights crying over this. I knew the deal when we started dating and thought it made sense, but I didn’t account for the fact that I’d fall in love.
What can I do? I haven’t spoken to him for a few days and it’s killing me.
Coleen says
It sounds like you’re both feeling terrified because you’ve emerged from unhappy marriages, and now you’re frightened of inviting any kind of relationship stress back into your life.
I’ve gone through two divorces and have come out the other side, and I suppose, if I’m honest, I’m still a little bit terrified of letting that happen to me again.
So, what you’re feeling is understandable. I actually had counselling to help me with these fears and it helped.
I think you should call him and be honest – you don’t have to admit you’re in love with him, but you should say that you have feelings for him and you’re also terrified.
It doesn’t sound like you’ve really responded to him, so he might be thinking you’re OK because you wanted a fun, no-strings arrangement.
I think it’s sad if you let people go because of fear. No one knows what the future holds at the beginning of a relationship.
Even if the timing is perfect, it can end in disaster and, equally, a relationship might start in challenging circumstances and flourish.
Now you’ve found each other it would be a shame not to see where it leads. You need to talk and he might be waiting for you to make the next move.
