The announcement that New York City’s Metropolitan Transportation Authority is planning to close the L train between Manhattan and Brooklyn for 18 months in 2019 to repair damage sustained during Hurricane Sandy has more than 400,000 residents – many of whom live in Brooklyn’s unofficial “hipster” capital, Williamsburg – worried about their daily commute. While the MTA is considering plans for making the shutdown as manageable as possible, we’ve got some suggestions on how to cross the hazardous East River once the shutdown begins.
Glide across in a wingsuit
Also known as “Birdman” or “flying squirrel” suits, this most awesome method of conveyance is primed to make the leap to the mainstream, especially considering the Manhattan skyline offers many skyscrapers that achieve the right altitude for takeoff. Now, wingsuiting is incredibly dangerous … but the risk might be worth it when you consider what that commute is going to be like without the relative convenience of the L.
Rat rafts
Let’s face the horrifying reality that construction in the tunnel that houses the L train is going to displace thousands of rats, and use this opportunity to collect these exiled vermin and somehow weave them together into rafts. The majority of the rats constituting each raft will probably die over the course of a single crossing, which could be a considered a public service. But no matter how many rats die, there will always be enough to build new rafts, as New York has always got rats to spare.
Hot air balloons
If the idea of riding a raft made of rats strikes you as unpleasant, how about a hot air balloon ride instead? Simply redirect the endless gusts of hot air emitted by Manhattan’s most famous resident, Donald Trump, into powering balloons that commuters can use to cross the river. Sure, they’ll have to listen to the half-cocked, hateful rhetoric he spouts while he’s filling up the balloons, and yes the balloons will probably end up stinking like cheap beef left out on a sunny day … on second thought, the rat rafts are probably preferable to this.
Attain fabulous wealth
Stop talking about that great idea for an app that combines Uber and Tinder into the ultimate ride/bodily fluid share experience and finally make it happen so you can generate the cash you’ll need to buy a private jet that can bring you across the river in style and comfort.
Blackmail someone who has attained fabulous wealth
Don’t have an idea for an app? Simply find someone who does, earn their trust, and convince them to confide the worst thing they’ve ever done. If they claim not to have anything shameful to admit, relentlessly dig through their Twitter feed and Facebook history until you find something.
Compliment Stephen Colbert on his work on The Late Show
The hottest trend in arts and culture writing is overanalyzing the job Colbert is doing in his role as Late Show host. Find him and tell him you’re enjoying the show. He’ll be so thankful he might just swim you to Brooklyn on his back.
A hipster bridge
Brooklyn is thick with young folks all aspiring to be the next Banksy, so how about convincing them that using their bodies to form a human bridge to Manhattan would really stick it to the man and the big banks and their dads? They could even traipse across the water congratulating each other on how committed they are to their causes.
Let nature run its course
Actually, the MTA isn’t planning to close the tunnel until January 2019, by which point the entire east coast might be underwater due to global warming anyway. Whoever is left alive will be forced to reside on houseboats or hastily constructed barges, and the idea of a commute will seem quaint in the face of the daily struggle to survive endless onslaughts of ravenous seagulls and attacks by rival tribes.
Take the ferry
Taking the ferry is always an option, as is the risk of realizing, halfway through the trip, that the boat is being captained by the first person to ever break your heart. Is being the captain of a ferry a better job than yours? More prestigious? On one hand, this person is captain of a boat. That’s pretty cool. But it’s just a ferry, right? Do you even have to go to school for that? You could always google how much money a ferry captain makes … why is this bothering you so much? You’re over this. You’ve moved on. Haven’t you?
Take a canoe
Canoeing across the East River would give you a nice workout and help your co-workers get some exercise as well, as they’d leap, run, duck and dive to escape hearing you brag about canoeing across the East River.
