“THE DARK KNIGHT OF QUEENS”
EXT. CITIFIELD - NIGHT
The Joker has seized control of CitiField, intent on destroying the building. Mets manager Terry Collins, general manager Sandy Alderson and players, coaches and executives gather outside the stadium to weigh their options.
SANDY ALDERSON
We must do do something soon or The Joker will demolish CitiField.
TERRY COLLINS
We will be fine. We have Matt Harvey, The Dark Knight. Put up the signal!
A Mets player turns on the Bat Signal spotlight which shines an outline of Harvey into the night sky.
TERRY COLLINS
Now we wait for The Dark Night to save us.
More than an hour goes by. Harvey does not appear. The Joker and his henchmen continue rigging explosives throughout the stadium.
SANDY ALDERSON
Where is he? We don’t have much time.
TERRY COLLINS
I don’t know. We pay him a lot of money. He should be here.
Harvey shuffles up beside Collins and Alderson.
MATT HARVEY
Hey, guys. What’s up? I was on the phone with Scott.
TERRY COLLINS
Dark Knight! You’re here to save us!
MATT HARVEY
Ooh. Yeah, about that. I’ve kind of met my crime-fighting limit for the year. I’m afraid if I fight The Joker, I could get injured. Sorry, guys. I probably can’t help you this time.
SANDY ALDERSON
But ... we’ve never needed you more than this! Our stadium is going to get blown up!
MATT HARVEY
I get that. I do. But if I get hurt fighting The Joker, I might not be able to fight crime ever again. Scott has stressed this to me.
TERRY COLLINS
Scott? Who is Scott? What happened to Alfred?
MATT HARVEY
Scott is my agent. Scott Boras. He’s not just an agent. He’s a super-agent. Alfred was great. He gave me a lot of good years as a butler and an advisor. But Scott made the point that Alfred could be a bit too much of an idealist. I need to think about what’s best for me sometimes, and not always make decisions for the greater good.
SANDY ALDERSON
This is really disappointing. You’re letting a lot of people down.
MATT HARVEY
You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.
TERRY COLLINS
That’s a pretty great line.
MATT HARVEY
Thanks. It’s not mine.
SANDY ALDERSON
Please, Dark Knight. You’re our best chance.
MATT HARVEY
You know what? OK. I’ll do it. I’ve reconsidered. I want to defeat The Joker.
Yoenis Cespedes walks up to Harvey, Collins and Alderson. He is holding a baseball and a bat.
YOENIS CESPEDES
Too much talking. We need to act now. There’s The Joker on top of the stadium! He’s about to blow it up!
Cespedes tosses the ball up into the air and hits it towards The Joker with a titanic swing. The baseball sails hundreds of yards through the air on a straight line and strikes The Joker square in the chest. The impact is so powerful that the villain explodes. The explosion levels most of CitiField, as well.
YOENIS CESPEDES
Whoops.
TERRY COLLINS
You didn’t do anything wrong. Now it just looks like Shea Stadium. The Mets won two World Series there.
SANDY ALDERSON
Yoenis, you are the hero the Mets need right now and the one we deserve.
Cespedes flips his bat dramatically into the air. Mets players push by Harvey to celebrate with their new hero.
END
Quote of the Week
“He can hit a gnat’s ass.” – Phillies outfielder Jeff Francoeur on Mets pitcher Bartolo Colon’s ability to hit spots with his pitches.
Francoeur on Bartolo Colon's ability to locate his pitches: "He can hit a gnat's ass." #Phillies #Mets
— Meghan Montemurro (@M_Montemurro) September 1, 2015
It’s assumed Francoeur meant “gnat,” a kind of insect, and not “Nat,” a kind of baseball player. Because if you hit a Nat, you might have to fight the whole team. Those guys are desperate. It could get ugly.
Stat of the Week
18
That was the 18th time Randy Choate has appeared in a game this season and not retired a batter. That is a Major League record. #stlcards
— Jenifer Langosch (@LangoschMLB) September 5, 2015
The Cardinals are unstoppable. Even their worst players are the best-ever at being the worst.
This Week’s Horrible Fantasy Team That Crushed Your Team
Jed Lowrie, 3B, Astros - 9-for-17, 2 HR, 3 RBI
Brett Wallace, 1B, Padres - 7-for-14, HR, 3 RBI
Adam Eaton, OF, White Sox - 12-for-24, HR, 8 RBI
Brandon Moss, OF, Cardinals - 12-for-28, 3 HR, 7 RBI
Ervin Santana, P, Twins - 15 innings, 21 strikeouts, 2 wins, 0.60 ERA
Jorge De La Rosa, P, Rockies - 13 innings, 14 strikeouts, 2 wins, 0.69 ERA
Twitter Question of the Week
@DJGalloEtc is Dr. James Andrews a good doctor?
— B Ryan (@mittensromney8) September 7, 2015
I have never been treated by Dr James Andrews on account of not being a world class athlete. But Matt Harvey’s surgeon is considered the premier orthopedic surgeon in sports history. He also has 4.6 stars on Healthgrades.com. (You need to work on the “ease of scheduling” category, James!) On the downside, he somehow believes innings pitched is the logical way to track a pitcher’s workload, and not total pitches thrown. So let’s give him an A-minus. Oh, wait. I just remembered he is closely linked to Dan Snyder and the worst organization in professional sports. His new grade is an F.
Phillies-ness of the Week
The Atlanta Braves are making a strong push to earn the worst record in baseball and the No1 overall pick in the draft, losing 12 games in a row and 16 of 18. But this week they face their toughest test – and the one team standing in their way of achieving ultimate failure: the Philadelphia Phillies. The Phillies, losers of four in a row and 10 of 13, maintain a one-game lead over Atlanta in the battle to the bottom. In Game 1 of the series on Monday night, Philadelphia will send their ace loser Aaron Harang (5-14, 4.89 ERA) to the mound, but the Braves are countering with a terrible pitcher of their own: Williams Perez, who sports a 5.65 ERA, gave up 9 runs to the Phillies on 31 August, and has given up six or more runs in five of his last seven starts. Somehow this game is not on national television. No one understands what entertainment is anymore.
Cubs World Series Odds: Holding Steady
Jake Arrieta is 12-1 with an ERA under 1.00 in his last 15 starts. The Cubs ace had this to say this week of his dominance: “I don’t know how good I can be. That’s what I’m trying to figure out.” Jake ... this is how good you can be. This is the pinnacle. A pitcher can’t be better than you have been over the past few months. If you can be better, you are some sort of superhero and you’re really wasting your life throwing a baseball every fifth day. There’s nothing to figure out. Enjoy this.
A-Rod-ness of the Week
Who needs a selfie stick when there are friendly baseball legends walking the street, happy to take your picture?
Everyone is a tourist @Harvard #harvarduniversity. pic.twitter.com/ND3cLtS4YA
— Alex Rodriguez (@AROD) September 1, 2015
Ten Things I Think You’d Think I’d Think
1) Many were surprised that Bartolo Colon was able to pull off this play Saturday night.
TOLOOOOOO!!! #LGM https://t.co/YTmOziMnfe
— Clem (@TheClemReport) September 6, 2015
Many apparently didn’t read my column in June proclaiming Bartolo Colon the greatest athlete in all of baseball. For shame. Never be surprised by anything Bartolo Colon does again. The Dark Knight and Yoenis Cespedes are fine, but Bartolo is the closest thing the Mets have to a real superhero.
2)
Francona, to Victor Martinez's son: "Tell your mom I said hi. Tell your dad to go 0-for-4."
— Jordan Bastian (@MLBastian) September 6, 2015
Victor Martinez went 1-for-3 in this game with a double. So, remember, if you ever meet Victor Martinez’s young son, he can’t be trusted to deliver important messages.
3) The Nationals have won five in a row to move four behind the Mets and now they get three against the Mets at home this week. The Nationals are clearly on a mission to save Matt Harvey from having to pitch in the postseason. What a compassionate group of men.
4) Two Royals players have chicken pox. The Padres are lucky they don’t have the Royals on their upcoming schedule. The Royals don’t put up with those who they think are disrespectful to them or might have given them a contagious virus. The San Diego Chicken would get a fastball off the beak.
5) The Pirates added five players before the deadline: Aramis Ramirez, Michael Morse, J.A. Happ, Joe Blanton and Joakim Soria. Ramirez has 5 home runs and 23 RBI since being acquired. Morse is hitting .325. Happ is 4-1 with a 1.57 ERA. Blanton is 3-0 with an 0.85 ERA. Soria had a 2.38 ERA in August. All five acquisitions have been home runs and since the July 31 trade deadline, the Pirates have gone from 5.5 games back of the Cardinals in the NL Central to ... 5.5 games back of the Cardinals in the NL Central. Thanks to the Pirates for reminding us all again to never try.
6) Mike Fiers no-hit the Dodgers on 21 August. Eight games later, Jake Arrieta no-hit the Dodgers. Eight games after that ... is tonight, 7 September. The Dodgers face Angels pitcher Jake Tropeano, who has a 5.51 ERA. This is going to be amazing.
7) They’re called the Brewers. We should all assume they come up with their ad slogans when they’re drunk.
Oh, my. What one could easily do with those same letters that spell T-E-A-C-H: pic.twitter.com/5J7EuIaX6G
— Dejan Kovacevic (@Dejan_Kovacevic) September 1, 2015
8) Football season is underway, which means it’s time for diehard baseball fans to get annoyed that football dominates sports coverage and for diehard football fans to laugh at baseball getting crushed in the ratings by football. Everyone stop doing this. Like what you like. There is no best sport or worst sport. Dumping on a sport, a game that’s designed to be fun, makes you look small and petty. Some people like baseball. Some people like football. Some people like bowling, even though it’s clearly the worst sport and by quite a large margin. Be the bigger person and let these sad people live their terrible lives in peace.
9) I mentioned this in grading Dr James Andrews an A-/F as a physician, but putting pitchers on an innings limit for a season is ludicrous. Did you know it’s possible to have a three-pitch inning? It is! Did you know it’s possible to have a thousand-pitch inning? It is! It’s the difference between working 60 hours a week from Monday to Friday and working 10 hours a week from Monday to Friday. One is a lot more tiring. By the way, you should definitely ask your employer to put “Monday to Friday” in your contract. Then just show up to work for 20 minutes a day. Tell them acclaimed orthopedic surgeon Dr James Andrews said it’s OK.
10) I’m now ending this column. I don’t have to write a minimum number of words.
I have to write.
A minimum.
Number.
Of.
Paragraphs.
We’ll see if I have anything left for.
The postseason.
