SOME FOOTBALL
Recent events in the political world have ignited much hot chat about the folly of running negative campaigns but Wee Gordon Strachan would be well advised by The Fiver, if that’s not a contradiction, to ignore all that. This weekend it very much behoves Wee Gord to stress to Scotland’s players just how ghastly things could become if they were to be beaten at home by England. They’ll have a notion of that already but – as recent events in the political world have also shown, if The Fiver really was sober enough to understand correctly – there’s no harm in repeating key messages. There’s no harm in repeating key messages. There’s no harm in repeating key messages. There’s no harm in [yes, they’re bleepin’ well is! – Fiver Ed].
Defeat for Scotland would practically guarantee that they won’t get the opportunity to return next year to an international tournament after an absence of two decades, leaving the Tartan Army spending yet another summer all dressed up with no place to go. Secondly, there’d be the ordeal of being confronted with the gurning faces of victorious England players at Hampden Park, not to mention those of the travelling fans. Although, in fairness, they’ve been asked by the FA to be on their least offensive behaviour because it’s important that they learn to go unnoticed, what with the next World Cup being in dear Russia, where even the currency spells trouble. Nearly.
Thirdly there is the very real risk that if Scotland lose, Wee Gord will either step down or be shown the door and thrown through it with a vigorous heave. It’s all very well to say that’s long overdue but the anticipated replacement is none other than Moyes Syzslak! As if to help raise the awareness of Scotland’s players before the big clash, the FA brought the former Sunderland manager into the limelight again on Friday for the first time since he helped extinguish all trace of joy at the Stadium of Light, choosing now as the moment to announce that Syzslak has been fined £30,000 for that weird crack he made last season about slapping a female journalist. All told, our Scottish cousin, Shortbread McFiver, has a lot to fret about this weekend. As for England, the main question is whether Gareth Southgate can inspire an away win at his third attempt, or at least an away goal.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Hi Diego, I hope you are well. Thanks for the seasono [sic] we spent together. Good luck for the next year but you are not in my plan” – cold from Antonio Conte.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Will the new Hull manager Leonid $lutsky join Firewall FC as another quarantine specialist?” – BB.
“I am a relative newcomer to the delights of the even-tide email dispatch that is The Fiver. I am now genuinely concerned at the potential loss of it to the football-free summer months. Will The Fiver be continuing its strong and stable path over the coming months? Yours, in anticipation” – Iain Moore [alas, yes, it’s an email that can provide certainty at this critical time – Fiver Ed].
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
A court has decided that South Yorkshire police acted “unlawfully and irrationally” when they sacked chief constable David Crompton, a day after last year’s Hillsborough inquest verdict was reached.
Argentina v Brazil: a guaranteed thrill-ride of a lifetime, right? Well, not if it’s miles from either country, neither team wants to be there and the fans have paid heaps to get in, no. Russell Jackson was there.
Leonid $lutsky is largely famous for two things: his playing career ending after falling out of a tree while trying to rescue a cat, and now being Hull City’s new manager.
We like a confident sort, so come in Mark Sampson, have a cup of tea and a waffle: the England Women’s team manager believes his team has the ability to be the best in the world. “I believe this team has the ability to be the best in the world,” he roared.
Manchester United’s Zlatan Ibrahimovic will soon no longer be Manchester United’s Zlatan Ibrahimovic, after the club decided to bin the near-36-year-old whose knee exploded a couple of months ago.
And after being booed out of Roma for the crime of finishing second with a record points total, Luciano Spalletti has understandably decided to take a less stressful gig as … hang on, what? Inter manager? Fair enough.
THE RECAP
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STILL WANT MORE?
Remember when white footballs were thought of as an ill-conceived fad and were treated with the utmost suspicion by all involved? Well, no, you don’t, because it was 90 years ago, but Simon Burnton is here to tell you all about it.
“I DON’T KNOW BUT I’VE BEEN TOLD. ENGLAND PLAY BETTER AFTER SPENDING A WEEKEND CAMPING WITH SOME MARINES.” Gareth Southgate might need to work on his rabble-rousing army chants, but as Dominic Fifield writes, a couple of days with Her Maj’s Brave Boys might help his players out.
Liverpool will probably need to ditch the clown shoes and squirty flower if they are to mend their shambolic transfer market reputation, says Andy Hunter.
Thin resources, Accrington Stanley players in his squad, Kyle Lafferty: in spite of factors, Michael O’Neill is pretty happy with life as Norn Iron 1-0 manager, as he tells Ewan Murray.
Riyad Mahrez is different to everyone else: that’s why Barney Ronay likes him, and hopes he sticks around in England.
From the archive … football clichés: the 10 stages of a protracted transfer saga. By Adam Hurrey.
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