Dirty Den demanding a divorce. Evil Archie Mitchell being bludgeoned by a statue of Queen Victoria. Zainab screaming as the B&B burned down. This is the stuff that classic Christmas Day EastEnders is made of. Over the years, the soap has delivered some of the season’s most vital moments. Forbidden lust. Untimely death. And in a particularly vintage year, Christmas Day would feature a Virgin Mary-style birth, such as that time when Bianca had a baby on the floor of the Queen Vic.
Dirty Den kicked off the golden age of ding-dong drama when a now-unthinkable 30 million people in paper hats watched him demand a divorce from his poodle of a wife Angie, his eyes leaking hatred as he delivered his speech. The Mitchell bruvvas continued the tradition with weddings, knees-ups and divorce after the time Grant discovered Sharon had been polishing both his and Phil’s shiny heads.
Walford earned its reputation as a highly entertaining pit of festive doom from the 80s to the 00s. In the glory days, the Christmas period was prime bumping-off time: Pauline Fowler collapsed after a face-off with Sonia; Jamie Mitchell’s spleen gave way; and Tiffany was run over by Frank Butcher, making him basically responsible for launching Martine McCutcheon’s pop career. A perfect moment indeed.
Classic Christmas EastEnders can also be less in your face. Who could forget the most uncomfortable scene in soap history (no, not Frank Butcher naked except for a spinning bow tie): it was between Trevor and Little Mo? The way the hideous bully drowned her Christmas dinner in gravy then forced her face into it is etched on the mind of every soap viewer. That episode was everything an ’Enders Xmas should be: powerful, haunting and acted to perfection.
The last great EastEnders Christmas was in 2014, however, when Mick Carter went full Danny Dyer’s Deadliest Men and smashed up the Queen Vic after finding out Dean Wicks had raped his wife Linda. Shirley topped it off with a “He’s your bruvva!” revelation. If that isn’t back-to-the-80s Christmas ’Enders, then what is? It was a climax as sharp as Ian Beale’s festive swan napkins.
Anything after that was going to be a letdown. The following year saw the “Who killed Lucy?” plot hanging around like five-day-old turkey curry. Only the lovable (but disposable) Fatboy was killed – and that was by mistake. Soon, the most Walford could muster was a power cut, Dot’s cat pooing on the carpet, and – shockingly – a cheery singalong. New lows were reached with a Christmas bin day debate. (Yes, really. Eat your hearts out, Den and Angie.) EastEnders hasn’t been in such a state since the disturbing Kat and Ronnie baby swap, which was wisely cut short.
But lo, there is a glimmer of hope this year. Gruesome twosome Ian and Jean are stuffing more than the turkey; Kat Slater is teetering on the brink of discovering Alfie’s love child; and Mick’s out of prison just in time to get proper naughty. Get ready for that great premonition of horror: “This is going to be the best Christmas EVAH!” Doof-doof …
