Former Scotland star Garry O’Connor has revealed how his children saved him after he considered suicide.
The ex-striker was rated as one of Scottish football’s brightest prospects when he broke into the first team at his beloved Hibernian, aged just 18, in 2001.
He went on to be capped 16 times by Scotland, scoring four goals for his country, and cashed in from big-money transfers to Russia and England – but his career faltered after he tested positive for cocaine in 2009.
Speaking in BBC Scotland documentary Playing The Game: Garry O’Connor, to be shown on Tuesday night, he details his struggle with drugs, injuries and depression.
He reveals how he has received support from Back Onside, a mental health charity that helps current and former footballers, and how raising his sons Josh, 16, and Cruz, seven, and daughter Millie, 12, stopped him from taking his own life.
O’Connor, 37, said: “I’m not scared to admit it, I’ve thought about committing suicide a few times. You just think you’re worthless at times but it’s not the answer.
“I’ve got three lovely kids to look after and that stopped me from doing it.
“I made it a priority that when they get to a certain age, I would tell them, ‘Look, your dad’s kind of different. I’ve made a few silly mistakes and you’re going to get comments but, at the end of the day, I’m still your dad’.
“I’ll just tell them to basically rise above it and move on.”
In the documentary, O’Connor discusses his childhood in Port Seton, East Lothian, his rise in football and his dramatic fall.
He tells how he earned a reported £16,000 per week after his £1.6million move from Hibs to Lokomotiv Moscow in 2006 and how the Russian club’s president would pay each player $50,000 for victories over city rivals – delivered in cash to the dressing room.
But his partner Lisa became homesick for Scotland, he felt isolated and, as the first signs of depression emerged, he squandered money –spending £120,000 in cash on a Ferrari he only drove 500 miles.
Citing family reasons, he came back to the UK, sealing a £2.7million move to Birmingham City in 2007. But his spell in the Midlands was blighted by injuries.
He formed part of a Tuesday night drinking club with other players and recalls, on one occasion, injuring himself falling off a quad bike backwards while trying a wheelie on a pub trip.
He said: “I played in one match only able to use one elbow and one hand but managed 90 minutes – I didn’t want to get fined. That’s how we rolled then.”
However, his career reached a crossroads when he failed a training ground drugs test.
He was banned for two months and sent to the US for rehab. A cover story was concocted that he was suffering a groin injury.
O’Connor said: “If you’re not training, you’re not playing so you’re trying to fill your days. That’s where most of my problems came from.
“I started drinking and took some drugs. That was probably my lowest part, about that time.
“I’ve not really touched any other drug apart from cocaine.
"If you’re injured or not playing, you’re low on confidence and obviously cocaine gives you that little bit of a boost. It gives you a little upper then obviously you crash back down to reality again after it.
“When I failed a drugs test at the training ground, the club could have sacked me on the spot but they tried to help me.
“I think that’s the way it should be – especially now with what people go through.”
O’Connor tried to rebuild his career at Barnsley and then returned to Hibs in 2011, only for his earlier cocaine ban to be revealed in a TV documentary.
He said: “I’d not gone out and killed anybody but I made a few stupid mistakes in my career.
“I just wanted to block it out and focus on Hibs and doing well for them at that stage.”
He left Hibs in 2012 following a 5-1 Scottish Cup final defeat to Edinburgh rivals Hearts and returned to Russia for an ill-fated spell with Tom Tomsk.
It didn’t work out in Russia and he returned to Scotland to play for Greenock Morton then East of Scotland league side Selkirk before hanging up his boots in 2016.
He said: “I felt I didn’t want to play football again. I just wanted to give up. I felt, ‘What was the point?’ My depression was really bad. I didn’t get out of bed. I didn’t want to do anything.
"I didn’t want to look for a football club. I didn’t even want to get fit.”
The failed drugs test and money issues were related to his battle with mental health.
But he is now receiving support from Libby Emmerson, founder of Back Onside.
He said: “I’m no angel. I’ve made a few mistakes and I hold my hands up to them but having depression and anxiety is not nice and it’s hard trying to find ways of dealing with it.
“I’ve managed to find a support network. Libby has been a tremendous help – even just having someone to speak to when you’re having your bad days.”
Libby tells the documentary: “His story can help so many young players – just to see the problems he went through.”
The programme ends with O’Connor taking Josh – who is also a promising centre-forward and coming through the ranks at Hibs – through training drills.
He said: “The boy’s got a bit of talent. I want him to be fully focused and I’ll try to guide him on the right path.
"I played at the highest level so I understand what it takes to get there.
“I try to keep him down-to-earth. I left school with no qualifications and I stress to Josh to stick in at school, pass his exams and then we can see what the future holds.”
He added: “I’ve got this bad boy image but I’m not that kind of person. I’m trying to change and make up for mistakes I’ve made.”
● Playing The Game: Garry O’Connor is on BBC Scotland, at 10pm on Tuesday.
