The story of blood-testing startup Theranos’ fall from grace may still be playing out in real life, but it’s already being made into a movie starring Jennifer Lawrence.
Silicon Valley may not seem like the most obvious setting for high drama – there’s a reason film-makers resort to animations of text scrolling across the screen to try to make hacking seem dramatic – but beneath the tastefully minimalist surface lie outsize personalities, vast sums of money and more than a few blood grudges.
What more could an Uber-driving screenwriter ask for?
Here are a few highly fictional proposals we hope to see on the festival circuit next spring. Lord knows we don’t need another movie about Steve Jobs.
Sheryl Sandberg
The inspirational story of an incredibly bright and accomplished woman forced to deal with men 20 years younger and considerably less competent than her. Happy ending. Based loosely on Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
Sean Parker
Lord of the Rings, starring Sean Parker. This is a home video.
The Elon Musk story
Elon Musk realizes that he is the only person in the world who is not a video game character. Or is he? As he attempts to escape this realm (level?) for Mars, he’s wracked with existential angst. “How do I get out of here? Am I conscious? Unconscious? Who’s real? Who’s not real?” Psychological thriller.
The Zenefits Stairwell
This movie is unrated. Take it off this list.
Airbnbust
Founder and CEO Brian Chesky rents out his spare bedroom on Airbnb as a publicity stunt, but when the weekend is over Tina refuses to leave. Thanks to California’s strong tenant laws, Chesky finds himself in a bind. He can’t evict his unwelcome guest without risking a PR nightmare, and he can’t convince her to leave. Chesky finds himself a prisoner of his own making, unable to trust anyone with his secret dilemma. Meanwhile, as Tina (Helena Bonham Carter) stakes her claim on Chesky’s condo, she also starts to find her way into his heart. Is this a match made in Odd Couple heaven? Or does Tina have a hidden agenda?
Eric Schmidt
Eyes Wide Open. Eric is in a long-term relationship.
Jeff Bezos
Jeff Bezos (Tom Hanks) has a world-dominating e-commerce corporation, a spaceship, a national newspaper – and a crush on Greta (Meg Ryan). But when he runs a routine background check on the woman of his dreams, he makes an unwelcome discovery: Greta has gone into bankruptcy four times, thanks to Amazon. Once an independent bookseller, Greta has tried and failed to make a go of it as a small business owner (after books, there was a corner store, then a delivery service, and finally (after taking out a loan for code school) a fledgling web services startup). Can Jeff hide his true identity from the woman he’s falling for? Can Greta accept Jeff as the one-click solution to all her troubles?
Marissa Mayer
50 Shades of Blue. Marissa Mayer looks at color swatches for two hours.
Soylent
Inspired by cult classic film Soylent Green, four tech bros decide to invent a food substitute for the busy professional. But after months in the lab – and with their seed funding dwindling – they realize that the formula for their product has been staring them in the face the whole time. You won’t see the twist coming. Gory.
Eat, Pray, Fund
After a run of bad exits, Marc Andreessen and Benedict Evans are fed up with Silicon Valley and ready for adventure. They set out on a world tour in hopes of finding their souls, and some decent returns, but when they arrive in India, their hosts won’t let them leave until they admit that colonialism was a mistake. Four hours long.
Peter Thiel
Gawker is dead. The media is dead. The sky is kind of orange in a way that feels very foreboding. We open in a ramshackle track house in the middle of the desert, where Owen Thomas and Nick Denton are rebuilding their lives and staying off the grid. There’s a knock on the door. It’s Peter Thiel, and he’s got a pistol. Screenplay by Cormac McCarthy. Directed by the Coen Brothers.
