Phew! Well that was fun, wasn’t it? Except for the football getting in the way of the pedantry talk. You can get all the final scores over here and you can get all the latest tables over here. That’s all from me. Thanks for all the emails, opinions and Tweets. Enjoy the rest of your weekend. Bye!
It’s all over in West Bromwich Albion v Stoke. It ended 1-0 to the home side.
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Meanwhile in Spain ...
Atletico goal drought away from Calderon goes on. Now not scored away from home in 425 mins away from home in all comps.
— Dermot Corrigan (@dermotmcorrigan) March 14, 2015
It’s all over. Leicester 0-0 Hull. Same in Sunderland. Sunderland 0-4 Aston Villa. Poyet’s face is like thunder, thunder who has been told he’ll never be thundering ever again. We are all done in north London too. Arsenal 3-0 West Ham. They are still playing in West Bromwich Albion v Stoke. Two minutes left there.
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“I feel humbled by the support my work is receiving,” says Ian Copestake. “In fact I feel like the Gus Poyet of the proofreading world.”
Three goals + some pretty football = snooze time.
This is the emirates for you pic.twitter.com/HWLpCoqvwF
— Lee Gower (@gower82) March 14, 2015
Norwich are looking nervous. Very nervous. Derby are looking serious. Very serious. Watford, meanwhile, have another and it is a belter of a half-volley from Fernando Forestieri.
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Some Championship scores. Sheffield Wednesday and Fulham are playing out a terrible 1-1 draw on what looks a real pudding of a pitch at Hillsborough. Cardiff are 2-1 up against Brentford. Brighton and Wolves is also 1-1. Charlton are 1-3 down at home to Blackburn and an under-strength Reading have pulled one back against Watford.
GOAL! Arsenal 3-0 West Ham (Flamini)
More of the same from Arsenal. Flamini, who had just come on from Ozil, scores with his first touch, tapping it in at the back post. Game done and dusted.
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GOAL! Arsenal 2-0 West Ham (Ramsey)
More lovely interplay in and around the area from Arsenal sees Giroud set up Ramsey (returning he earlier favour/assist) and he scores his first goal since early December. Pressure is on Man City now.
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“Please tell M. Fong,” snarks Gene Salorio, “that I loathe spelling errors, especially by proof readers, and that I am not loath to point it out.”
Michael Oliver won’t be welcome around West Brom parts for the next while. He has just ignored the most obvious penalty claim you are likely to see this season.
“So it’s safe to say Ian Copestake’s day has been a bit like Sunderland’s,” reckons Austin Baird. “Start out full of optimism; make a schoolboy error; afternoon turns to a period of real hurt. Welcome to the world of SAFC.”
RED CARD FOR HUDDLESTONE!
The Hull midfielder was chasing down Jamie Vardy, it looked like the Leicester man stepped in front of him and there was nothing Huddlestone could do but take him down with a trip. He already had a yellow and he soon had another to go with it.
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There has been another big goal in the Championship and it has gone to ... Derby! A corner was sent over and Ruddy went to claim it but instead he spilled the ball into his own net, thus allowing Derby back into the game. Deary me.
“Surely it’s Pardew for Sunderland,” reckons Gene Salorio. “He’s already done enough to keep both Newcastle and Palace up this year so why not let him try for a hat trick? Plus Newcastle supporters detest him and what better way for him to show his appreciation for all the support they offered during his time there.”
Another to Bayern. Another to Robert Lewandowski. They are into time added on there.
Emirates crowd to injured referee Chris Foy: "You're not fit to referee!"
— Squawka Football (@Squawka) March 14, 2015
“A bit loathe to rat out a colleague in the industry,” says M.Fong. “But I dare say that Mr Copestake’s offer that “all proofing errors discovered by prospective clients in advertising copy” be rewarded “by reduced rates and self-flagellation” is incorrect and should really be rewarded with reduced rates and self-flagellation.”
Over to League One for a moment or two. Leads Bristol City are being held to a goalless draw with Gillingham, while second-place Preston are 2-1 up in their game with Crewe. In the big game at the bottom of the table, it is Colchester 2-2 Crawley. That one has been quite the ding-dong. Leyton Orient have added a third.
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It’s 3-0 to Bayern. Still no score from the in game in Spain, though.
GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAL! @lewy_official taps into an empty net after great work from @esmuellert_. #FCBayernLive #SVWFCB 0-3 (77')
— FC Bayern English (@FCBayernEN) March 14, 2015
If Poyet goes. who could Sunderland get in? So far my shortlist is Paul Lambert, Harry Redknapp, Roy Keane and Peter Moores.
— Jonathan Wilson (@jonawils) March 14, 2015
“20-16 now,” says Alys Barber-Rogers. “V tense. Noise update? Thought you’d never ask. LOUD. Thoroughly recommend watching rugby with Welsh people.”
There has been a couple of early goals in the Championship. Bournemouth have scored another – thanks to Callum Wilson – and so too have Watford – thanks to Troy Deeney. If those games weren’t over already, they most certainly are now. Should have typed this before half-time but Matt Derbyshire has pulled one back for Rotherham against Wigan.
By the way, how are Ireland getting on? Have they lost yet?
Wait, there is he. And he is hobbling back onto the pitch. What an utter mess.
Sunderland fans: "We're gonna win 5-4!"
— sportingintelligence (@sportingintel) March 14, 2015
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Sunderland were booed onto the pitch. (Is that a first?) But only 10 of them were booed. Sebastian Larsson was nowhere to be seen. Poyet has gone down the tunnel to see where he is.
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Pies have been woofed down, beers have been sunk like Michel Salgado’s luxury yacht and we are back in action around the grounds. Speaking of Michel Salgado’s luxury yacht, Marie Meyer has this to say?
Are you familiar with the old saying about how much pleasure one gets from owning a boat? Your second-happiest day is the day you buy it. Your happiest is the day it burns to the water line.
“Soemdoby ocne tlod me taht the odrer of the lettres deosn’t mettar, as lnog as the frist and lsat lettres are in the rghit palce,” reckons Simon McMahon. “Myabe Ian Cepostkae can cnofrim tihs?”
We have not been telling you about the game between Espanyol and Atlético Madrid. And that’s with good reason. There is not to talk about. Over in Germany, Bayern are still cruising against Bremen. If you can, do a quick search for Bayern’s second one. Tis a very sweetly struck free-kick.
J.R. in Illinois has been watching the West Bromwich Albion v Stoke so we don’t have to. Here is what he has to say about it all. “Charlie Adam is having one of those games at the Hawthorns. You know, the kind where he runs around trying to hurt people. He has not fully succeeded as of halftime. Even though he doesn’t even have a yellow yet I don’t think he’s going to make it 90 minutes.”
It’s half time around the grounds. All the scores you need are here. Back in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.
“Id be more than happy to have a copy of Dr. Copestake’s book,” says Mac Millings. “I’ll sit and read it aloud to him while he flagellates himself. He’ll want to.”
GOAL! Arsenal 1-0 West Ham (Giroud)
Arsenal do some of that pass and move stuff before Giroud takes the ball from Ramsey and sends it hurtling into the back of the net.
4 - Olivier Giroud has scored in four successive Premier League appearances for only the second time (also Aug-Sep 2013). Strike.
— OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) March 14, 2015
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Right back to the goals in the Championship. The last time we talked about Bournemouth, they and Pitman had one goal, now both have three. Watford have also increased their lead. It’s 2-0 now. And amazingly, Wigan are two up against Rotherham.
GOAL! Sunderland 0-4 Aston Villa (Benteke)
Goodbye Gus! It’s been real.
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More on Sunderland and their fans, this time from Steven Hughes.
You’re dead right to say that Sunderland fans have got every right to boo. I never understand the finger-wagging that goes on when fans boo. I know that football is a business but in every other business the ‘consumer’ has the power not to eat at the restaurant that has served them terrible food or to not buy clothes at a shop which has sold them something that falls apart quickly but football fans are a captured market: Sunderland fans aren’t going to support Newcastle instead, are they? Booing is the only weapon that fans really have at their disposal to demonstrate their disapproval (if they don’t turn up, it can just get interpreted as apathy.) and those who get paid to turn up to football matches, as opposed to fans who *pay* to turn up, would do well to remember that. Personally, I can’t remember greater footballing noise that the cheering that I once heard when I was at the Stadium of Light. Sunderland scored against my side, and it was noise on the level of ‘Mogwai’ or ‘My Bloody Valentine’. Hope they eventually find some light at the end of the tunnel.
“As Mac Mullings well knows,” says Ian Copestake, “all proofing errors discovered by prospective clients in advertising copy are rewarded by reduced rates and self-flagellation.” If you are really nice to Ian, he’ll also send you a copy of his book.
Poyet out? The fans, the ones who are still there, are getting all up in grille and letting him know exactly what they think of him.
GOAL! Sunderland 0-3 Aston Villa (Agbonlahor)
THE FANS ARE WALKING OUT OF THE STADIUM OF LIGHT! And it’s all thanks to Agbonlahor’s second goal of the game. As well their team being more miserable than your average teenager. Poyet is slumping in his seat.
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There has been a big goal in the Championship and it has gone to ... Norwich. A wonderful move involving Johnson, Hoolahan and Olsson is finished off by Jerome and Derby are breached away from home once more.
Don’t you just hate when this happens?
Michel Salgado’s luxury yacht goes up in flames http://t.co/Wh8Ye6M3kT pic.twitter.com/e1fGwb5C1g
— AS English (@English_AS) March 14, 2015
“Dearest Ian,” cheers Mac Millings, “I’m enjoying Ian Copestake’s marvellous proofreader’s joke where he purposely misspelled “sponsor”. And it surely must be a joke, because obviously he wouldn’t put his good name and web address on a piece of proofreading self-promotion that he hadn’t actually unproofread.”
Well Ian, was it?
Some scores in the Championship for you. Birmingham are drawing 1-1 with Huddersfield, Brentford are one ahead of Cardiff and Blackburn are 2-0 up away to Charlton, but other than that those scores there is nothing new under the sun. Down in League Two Burton Albion are a step closer to League One thanks to a penalty from McCrory.
Bremen started well but they crumbled before the referee blew for half-time. Thomas Muller got the first and David Alaba got the second. Hard to see them coming back from there.
The net has yet to be found at Leicester versus Hull but it should have been. Jelavic had the goal at his mercy and it looked easier to miss than score but miss he did.
Unbelievable miss by Jelavic for #HCAFC against #LCAFC. Had only to connect from six yards in front of empty goal.
— Richard Rae (@RichMRae) March 14, 2015
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GOAL! West Bromwich Albion 1-0 Stoke (Ideye)
The ball comes in from the right, Bardsley turns his back on the ball and Ideye heads it into the bottom corner. That is his seventh of the season.
GOAL! Sunderland 0-2 Aston Villa (Agbonlahor)
The home fans are booing and they have every right to. Some shambolic defending and bad reading from John O’Shea lets Agbonlahor in and the Villa striker scores with ease.
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GOAL! Sunderland 0-1 Aston Villa (Benteke)
Some nice buildup play see Leandro Bacuna set up Benteke and he fires it home from close-range, though it looks like it might have taken a deflection on its way via Wes Brown. Tim Sherwood, oddly, shows no emotion.
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In League One, second-placed Preston are one to the good against Crewe. Joe Garner did the damage there.
Well that’s the game over for Blackpool. Bournemouth take the lead thanks to Brett Pitman’s left footed shot from the centre of the box. Bad news for fans of Millwall. Your side is 1-0 to Bolton after a decent effort from Le Fondre.
“Didn’t Dr Copestake miss a trick by neglecting to offer advice that today’s Heroic Clockwatch Predictions (TM MBM) have been fully vetted by a leading European proofreading firm?” wonders Lou Roper. “In addition to allowing prospective clients to rate the work of slovos.com in a suitably academic environment, we would receive further confirmation of the appropriate gravitas of the MBM service. May we please have such assurances?”
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Over in League One. Leyton Orient don’t win many at home – they have lost 11 there this season and drawn another three – but they are going to win today. They are already two up against Yeovil.
2: Strong work from Jobi McAnuff sees Chris Dagnall with a yard of room outside the box and he strikes home! 1-0 Orient!
— Leyton Orient (@leytonorientfc) March 14, 2015
7: The great start gets even better, as Dossena's shot comes loose to Hedges, who strokes home from 8 yards. 2-0 Orient!
— Leyton Orient (@leytonorientfc) March 14, 2015
Over in Arsenal. Walcott was put through on goal but took far too long to decide what to do with it and West Ham recovered in time to clear the danger.
There has been an early and very crucial goal in League Two. After just 30 seconds Wycombe have gone one up against Shrewsbury thanks to Sam Wood. In the Championship, there has also been an early goal and it has gone to Watford. Almen Abdi with that one.
Reus doing Batman was so much better:
Hertha Berlin's Ben Hatira playing dress-up now. Spiderman Redux. 1-0 up against Schalke. pic.twitter.com/gx4lIcFAwi
— Cristian Nyari (@Cnyari) March 14, 2015
Peep go the whistles all around the country and it is off we go. Here is what our man in north London has to say about the pre-game atmosphere.
Five minutes to kick off! Emirates stadium already a white hot cauldron of not really paying much attention
— Barney Ronay (@barneyronay) March 14, 2015
Tots lolz. As the kids would text. Do the kids still text?
“I miss the days when the heroic clockwatch reporter would make a prediction for the Prem. scores,” says Ian Copestake before inserting a shameless self plug in the upcoming sentence. “You could even sponser them: ‘this afternoon’s predictions brought to you in association with slovos.com: for all your proofreading needs.’” Go on then.
Arsenal 2-0 West Ham
Leicester 0-1 Hull
Sunderland 0-1 Aston Villa
West Bromwich Albion 1-2 Stoke
As brought to you by yada, yada, yada.
“9-0 to Wales,” says Alys Barber-Rogers. “FYI Welsh people, including my husband, are brilliantly loud. Also, they can sing. Did anyone else know that?”
About 15 minutes gone but no goals to tell you about in Germany just yet. By all accounts, Bremen have made the better start against Bayern, who have Pepe Reina making his debut in goal for the club.
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Richard Gibson was the Riverside to watch that aforementioned match between Middlesbrough and Ipswich. Here is what he has to say about it.
If anyone could be so kind as to keep me abreast of Ireland’s performance in the defeat to Wales in the Six Nations, that would be most appreciated. Thanks in advance. Yours nervously. IMC
Good luck Bremen, you are going to need it.
Bayern Munich have scored 33 goals in nine games (all competitions) since their 4-1 loss to Wolfsburg in January. #FCBayern
— Daniel Pinder (@Dan_Pinder) March 14, 2015
Simon McMahon has been in touch. “Afternoon Ian. It’s all I can do to concentrate today, as all roads in Scotland lead to Hampden tomorrow for the League Cup final between Dundee United and Celtic. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves – COME ON UNITED! – there’s SPFL business at the bottom of the table today as both Ross County and St. Mirren look to take advantage of Motherwell’s defeat at Aberdeen last night. Its Hamilton v. County, Kilmarnock v. St. Mirren and Partick Thistle v. St. Johnstone.”
Make that 3-1. Matt Phillips has just hit the top corner of the Crystal Palace net from 45 yards out. Twas a sensational strike the Scottish international but from that distance Speroni should have done much better. “How shit must you be, we scored away!” croon the QPR fans. Oh, they’re a funny lot those QPR ones.
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It is almost all over in the early Premier League game too where Crystal Palace are leading QPR 3-0 with 10 minutes to go. As a nipper, we used to say QPR was an acronym for Quarter Pound of Rubbish. On today’s performance, we were not wrong.
It is all over in the early game in the Championship where Middlesbrough have really done a number on Ipswich. Daniel Ayal gave his side an early lead until Daryl Murphy drew Ipswich level. But that was the last time these two sides would be even for the rest of the match. Albert Adomah made it 2-1 in the 30th minute and Patrick Bamford struck twice in the second half to ensure the points stayed on Teesside and his side go top of the league. They couldn’t, could they?
Some Premeir league team enlightenment for you to get all juiced up about
Arsenal v West Ham
Arsenal: Ospina, Chambers, Mertesacker, Koscielny, Monreal, Coquelin, Ramsey, Walcott, Ozil, Alexis, Giroud. Subs: Szczesny, Gibbs, Bellerin, Flamini, Cazorla, Welbeck, Akpom.
West Ham: Adrian, O’Brien, Collins, Kouyate, Cresswell, Song, Noble, Nolan, Jarvis, Downing, Sakho. Subs: Jaaskelainen, Demel, Onariase, Poyet, Cullen, Amalfitano, Nene.
Referee: Chris Foy
Leicester v Hull
Leicester: Schwarzer, De Laet, Upson, Huth, Morgan, Schlupp, Vardy, Cambiasso, James, Mahrez, Kramaric. Subs: Schmeichel, Drinkwater, King, Lawrence, Ulloa, Wasilewski, Nugent.
Hull: McGregor, Dawson, Bruce, McShane, Elmohamady, Livermore, Huddlestone, Ramírez, Robertson, Jelavić, N’Doye. Subs: Harper, Figueroa, Davies, Meyler, Hernández, Aluko, Quinn.
Referee: Jonathan Moss
Sunderland v Aston Villa
Sunderland: Pantilimon, Reveillere, van Aanholt, Brown, O’Shea, Bridcutt, Larsson, Rodwell, Alvarez, Defoe, Fletcher. Subs: Jones, Wickham, Gomez, Graham, Coates, Vergini, Mannone.
Aston Villa: Guzan, Lowton, Okore, Clark, Bacuna, Delph, Cleverley, Sinclair, N’Zogbia, Benteke, Agbonlahor. Subs: Given, Gil, Sanchez, Kinsella, Weimann, Westwood, Hepburn-Murphy.
Referee: Neil Swarbrick
West Bromwich Albion v Stoke
West Bromwich Albion: Foster, Dawson, McAuley, Lescott, Brunt, Morrison, Fletcher, Gardner, Sessegnon, Berahino, Ideye. Subs: Myhill, Wisdom, Pocognoli, Olsson, Baird, Mulumbu, Gamboa.
Stoke: Begovic; Bardsley, Shawcross, Wilson, Pieters; Nzonzi, Whelan; Walters, Adam, Moses; Crouch. Subs: Butland; Ireland, Arnautovic, Diouf, Cameron, Sidwell, Teixeira.
Referee: Kevin Friend
Meanwhile in Germany:
Der Bus des @FCBayern ist gerade auf der Neuenlander in #Bremen liegen geblieben - kein Benzin mehr. #werder #SVWFCB pic.twitter.com/imCFjPm4NJ
— Alexander Kuhl (@Feelgoodhb) March 14, 2015
Insert your own Bayern not-running-out-of-gas joke here.
Hello to you and you and you!
Good afternoon and welcome abroad the good ship Clocko. You’ve missed it, haven’t you? The Premier League that is, not Clocko. Clocko could be trapped down a well with nothing to survive on but cream crackers and a can of cranberry juice and you would walk on by, headphones on blast, without missing a step. But if that were the Premier League down the well, you’d be all there with the ladders, you’d have a host of top-notch celebrities recording songs, you’d have police reading it bedtime stories so it doesn’t get lonely. And that’s OK. Clocko knows it is the mere conduit for the all-singing, all-scoring starlet that is the Premier League. Did we mention it’s back? It is, you know. With four games on offer. Arsenal v West Ham; Leicester v Hull; Sunderland v Aston Villa; and West Bromwich Albion v Stoke. But that is not where the action stops. Oh! No!
Down in the Championship, every single one of the teams can still win the right to be relegated from the Premier League next season. OK, OK, not every single one, but at least eight of them and, get this, the top four sides are all on 66 points, which makes it one of the Europe’s hottest leagues right about now. Top of the pile is Bournemouth and they are taking on bottom of the pile Blackpool. As it is their custom, Blackpool will take a 2-0 lead and throw it all in the second half, allowing the Dean Court side to increase their goals for column. Second-placed Derby have a far trickier affair to negotiate this afternoon. They are at home but they are home to Norwich. The Canaries are the only side to have beaten Bournemouth away from home since mid September and they are bang in form at the moment, having picked up 15 points from their last six games. When the two sides came together earlier in the season a 2-2 draw was the result but Norwich will fancy themselves to go one better this time around. Watford are the third side with 66 points to their name and they are taking on Reading this afternoon. The Royals should be safe this season and have a decent record when they take to the turf at Vicarage Road, having won their last two games there. Saying that, of late Watford are tougher than an over-cooked pork chop when it comes to being beaten at home. The final team that makes up the fantastic four is Middlesbrough but by the time you are reading this, they will be beating Ipswich by a few. One last thing re the Championship. Down at the bottom, Wigan can give themselves hope of out running The Drop by beating fellow strugglers Rotherham but it will be the cruel, cruel hope. They, Millwall (who take on Bolton) and Blackpool are being shed like a boxer with roll after roll of sweaty, useless, disgusting flab.
Moving on to League One. Unlike the Championship, this division contains only one side on 66 points and that is second-placed Preston. This afternoon, they welcome Crewe to Deepdale. With the return of Scott Wiseman, Simon Grayson has a full-strength squad to try defeat the Railwaymen and increase their chances of, like M People, moving on up and moving on out. That will not be a foregone conclusion though. Steve Davis knows his side are still right in the thick of the relegation mix – “I think there are still nine, ten, eleven teams still in it. You have to keep going and looking to pick up points” – and will have them suitably amped for an upset. One side who need not fret about their chances of making it to the Championship are Bristol City. They have a 13-point gap on Preston. That’s right. Thirteen. Lucky for some. Today though they face a tough nut in Gillingham, who have been in form recently and, like many managers in this division, Justin Edinburgh still harbours hope of making the playoffs (six points separates 6th and 16th). “We are in good form and if we can maintain that, who knows? You have to have aspirations to achieve that.” The other top-half-of-the-table clash to keep an eye out for is Doncaster and Peterborough. Both are 50 points and only separated by goal difference. That should be a tasty treat.
Finally to League Two and beyond. Let’s get beyond out the way first. Over in Germany, Bayern will beat Werder Bremen by at least 6 goals, while in Spain, Atlético Madrid will play out a tough 1-1 draw away to Espanyol. Back to Britannia. Tis tight at the top in League Two. Burton Albion are on top but just by two points from Shrewsbury Town who are just one ahead of Wycombe Wanderers. Come 3pm, Burton will take on Accrington and, given how many goals Accrington concede on the road, should be able to overcome them. But the big game of the day involves the other two as Wycombe welcome Shrewsbury. The last four games between these sides have ended in a draw and that is the sort of result that would have Burton grinning like the cat who has not only got the cream but got a nice slice of carrot cake and a well-made flat white to go with it too. Down at the bottom, Hartlepool looked to be a lost cause but Tranmere are still breathing. They currently sit in the spot marked 23rd but a win over Northampton could lift them as high as 20th. Can they do it? Well why not stick around and find out? Sure what else would you be doing of a spring afternoon?
