A Lenin quote has been enthusiastically flung around of late. “There are decades where nothing happens,” it goes, “and there are weeks where decades happen.”
Nigel Farage appears to have taken this quote to heart. This week alone, he has experienced several decades all at once. On Monday morning, he was one of the leading political figures in the country, riding high on a wave of public vindication. By Monday afternoon, he had quit his post and was out of national politics. A day later, it had been announced that he was going to stand in for a woman from The Apprentice on her radio show. And then, the morning after that, he was actively mulling a spot on Celebrity Big Brother.
The week isn’t even over yet. If he’s quick, Farage could still manage to squeeze in a spot on Have I Got News for You, self-publish three volumes of memoirs to diminishing returns and tour the country’s holiday camps as part of a threadbare 90s revival with Honeyz and three quarters of A1. Even if that doesn’t come to pass, he should still be proud of the fact that he went from political figurehead to potential reality television star in 72 hours flat. After all, it took Neil and Christine Hamilton almost 20 years to make that transition.
Now, it must be said that the Celebrity Big Brother claim shouldn’t be taken at face value; Farage only mentioned it as part of a tedious, go-nowhere skit about him getting to torture Jean-Claude Juncker in a confined space for a few weeks. But, nevertheless, bookmakers have already got him down as 10/1 to enter the Big Brother house this year, because that’s clearly where this is all headed. He does has form in the area, as anyone who watched his weird, sloshed-looking Gogglebox spin-off in 2014 will attest.
After all, it’s a perfect fit. In the Big Brother house, you’re isolated from the rest of the world. You don’t have to eat any of the foreign muck they give you on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. In fact, all you need to do to gain any level of infamy is blurt out as many repugnant statements as possible before your peers rise up and vote you out. It should be as easy for Farage as breathing.
And, to be fair, you can’t fault him for getting in early. The wave of public resignations over the last few weeks means that celebrity bookers will soon be swamped with offers from former politicians. All those big names with nowhere to go, so overlooked and underpaid that they’ll soon give serious consideration to appearing on Celebrity Come Dine With Me with Su Pollard and the Chuckle Brothers.
If Farage takes Big Brother, though, where will everyone else end up? Strictly Come Dancing is easily the most prized spot; not only because it gets the best ratings but, as Ann Widdecombe so ably demonstrated a few years ago, it represents the perfect post-politics pivot point. Sure, you start the series as a divisive figure of totalitarian authority, but give it three weeks of grimacing through the foxtrot with an orange Russian in a leotard, and your persona will soften enough to let you present sporadic One Show items about funny dogs that ride bikes. There can be no doubt that this is where David Cameron’s sights are trained.
As for Boris Johnson, the world is his oyster. Finally freed of the shackles of public duty, he’s now able to bumble and klutz through every single television show that’ll have him. MasterChef? Watch him set the kitchen on fire and leave it for someone else to clean up. Splash? Watch him fall off a diving board, take out a class of six-year-olds below, and then run away in his pants while the paramedics are called. Make no mistake, this is what it’s all been leading up to for him.
The only problem is that so many people have stepped down recently that supply now exceeds demand. Reality-show bookers will be able to get former politicians at knockdown rates, simply because there are so many available. The smart thing to do in this climate is to hang on for as long as possible, and become an object of desire. That’s how you get the big bucks, and that’s why you can expect to see Jeremy Corbyn presenting The X Factor next year.
