Q.I left my marriage of 13 years because my wife and I finally admitted we were never in love with each other and it was time to part. We live in a very small town where everyone knows your business, I wanted to date, so I moved about 40 miles away in order to have a life. Originally, our parenting plan shared the kids time equally, but the distance makes the midweek visits difficult, so they stay with their mother during the week and I see them when I can. My ex makes it very difficult to arrange extra time. I think this is terrible for the kids. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. I had two thoughts as I read your email. One, divorce is terrible for kids. Two, if you were concerned for your children, why would you ever move 40 miles away from them? Sounds to me like you were distracted by your desire to get out there and you didn’t think it through. So, knowing this, what can you do now to help your kids cope with your choices?
First suggestion? Move! Dating is important, especially if you just left a loveless marriage, but certainly not more important that spending time with your children. Moving 40 miles away from them when they were reeling from your divorce was selfish and misguided. Apologize and put them first, (Ex-etiquette for Parents rule No. 1, “Put the children first.”) Even living 10 miles away is difficult when you are co-parenting. Of course, COVID impacts all this, but when you relocate, consider how far they must ride in the car when they finally return to school, where their friends live, how you will get them to practices and extracurricular activities, and then date when they are with their mother. If you are concerned about people knowing your business, date out of town.
It would be nice if exes stood back after divorce and thought, “What can I do to facilitate additional time for the kids and their other parent?” But rarely does that happen. Exes are usually pretty angry after a break-up and stand back and watch their former partner fall on their face. It is unfortunate when this happens and there are kids involved, but that’s why it’s up to you to get your stuff together and be the parent your supposed to be. To be angry at their mother because she’s not cooperating when you when it was your decision to move away? Again, misguided and certainly not good ex-etiquette.
When you do move closer, my suggestion would then be to put together a logical parenting plan that will offer your children as much time as possible with both parents and then work together to implement it. As I have mentioned many times in this column, children deserve both of their parents — but both of their parents have to put the time in and be there.
Finally, when you do meet someone and become serious, consider your children first when you introduce her. It’s not introducing the kids to her — it’s introducing her to your children. That’s good ex-etiquette.
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