In my work, I get daily emails from clients, friends, and acquaintances with any and all questions they have related to dating. This long question below is one I got not too long ago, and I wanted to share it since it also may have happened to some of us.
Q: "I have my own personal question based on the whole dichotomous nature of online dating: What if you are fond of someone you met online, but only platonically? Is there anyway, realistically, to transition that to a friendship?
Also, here's a specific variation: Is it super rude to suggest that one of your OKCupid dates might be perfect for a friend? I think it's a really good idea because I like and respect my friends, and I share common values with them, but we have different tastes and like somewhat different guys. Moreover, I know this can work in practice because I have a friend who met her husband as a follow-up to his online date with her friend.
However, I mentioned this option to a date last week, obviously in a nice way, and he got pretty offended. (And, btw, it was because we were wholly incompatible politically/ideologically, so it's not even like I said, 'Oh, I'm not feeling physical chemistry so why don't you try my friend, instead?') I thought I was making a perfectly reasonable suggestion, but apparently, it may be a huge faux pas."
Erika's Answer:
As for setting up dates that don't work out, I think it's a wonderful gesture, but I do have some caveats.
If you think highly enough of someone to want to set him or her up with someone else, a friend or otherwise, in your mind, it's a huge compliment. Your date, however, might be thinking, "I'm not good enough for you?" or "Why don't you like me?" So, the first barrier to cross is asking yourself: Is our lack of interest in each other mutual? In your case, it sounds like he was still interested in you, which is why he took offense.
In this case, after you politely decline a second date � remember, no ghosting _ give it some time before making this gesture. I would be offended if, on a date or even the next day, the guy said to me that he wanted to set me up with a friend. I'd rather have the suggestion come to me after some space/time. It's all about the timing and the framing of it.
If it's an obvious mutual mismatch, then finessing both the timing and the language won't be as necessary (though you're still dealing with someone's feelings).
I went out with someone once on two dates. After those dates, I concluded that, while he was very nice, he wasn't for me. When I kindly declined a third date, saying that I wasn't feeling the spark, he got defensive and said some things that I didn't appreciate. Again, you want to make sure to handle things nicely and maturely with everyone.
In addition to, you know, the possibility of love, it's important to make sure you're at your best on every date. Avoid being rude, having your cell phone out, drinking too much, talking about yourself the entire time, and generally being a poor sport about the date not going well. Don't take yourself out of the running, a good friend could set you up with the right person.
Now, go forth, date, be nice, and, after ample time, make those set-ups.
