I once asked everyone sitting in my vicinity at my office building (mostly people in their 30s and 40s, both men and women, for what it's worth) and asked, "Is chivalry dead?" Most people were quick to respond with, "Yes."
This is a sad state of affairs, especially for someone who works as a dating coach. When I dug a bit deeper, I got responses having to do with "hook-up" culture, Tinder, and women now taking the lead instead of men. (Please note that in this column, I am defaulting to opposite-sex couples, but similar concepts apply in same-sex couples.)
I'm all for feminism, and I believe that women should be paid the same as men in the equal partnership workplace and have all of the same privileges in life. That doesn't, however, mean that I believe women and men should have the same place when it comes to dating. Equal partnership? Yes. But women also have a need to feel pursued, protected and secure. And men have a need to feel appreciated.
Here are a few key ways that men can still be chivalrous, even in the days when it seems like technology gets in the way:
_ Get to the date venue a few minutes early, and wait outside. Unless it's freezing or pouring rain, the best thing to do is to wait for your date outside so that she can find you immediately.
_ Give a small hug to greet and end your date.
Handshake (equals) business meeting. Hug (equals) date. The quality of the hug matters, too. Not too tight and not too loose. Just right.
_ Sit next to or kitty-corner to your date.
I hate two-tops, or the tables where you feel like you have to yell across them to have a conversation. If given the choice for a first date, either sit at the bar, or sit at a square table kitty-corner from each other. This way, you're more inclined to have an intimate conversation since you're close enough to hear each other.
_ Let her go first.
Whether it's opening the door for her or letting her order her drink first, it's nice to show some deference and to go by the adage "Ladies first." Would you cut in front of your grandma? Of course not! Treat your date the same way. Also, making the date location more convenient for the woman shows that you want to accommodate her needs.
_ Pay.
I admittedly get a lot of flak for this one, but I stand by my advice that men should offer to pay on a first date. Not because a woman is entitled. She most certainly is not. But because it's a kind gesture. But I also do recommend that the woman offers.
I recently saw this in a man's Match.com profile: "As a feminist, I believe in equality of the sexes, that extends to our dates, enough said."
When my female client asked what he meant by that, he replied with a long-winded answer of how he got stuck paying a $200 bill on a first date. It's a shame that he got taken advantage of (and I only recommend coffee or drinks anyway), but if he asked her and chose the location, he should be prepared to pay, regardless of the outcome of the date.
_ Be a man of your word.
I'm often asked this question: How many days should I wait before I text my date to tell her I had a good time and want to see her again?
My response is to text her the next day saying you had a great time and that you'll call the following day to set up plans, and then actually call! Bonus points. (Double bonus points if you text her right after the date making sure she got home OK.)
Often, men don't know what a woman wants, so it's important for her to express her needs. As a dating coach, I hear complaints like this from my clients and my friends (mostly the female ones) all the time:
"He won't pick up the phone to call me. I am so sick of texting!"
"Ugh _ he only contacts me once a week. What's up with that?"
"Why can't he ask me before Friday if I'm free this weekend?"
All of these are, of course, valid concerns. But what's not valid is not saying anything about them to the person you're dating. People are not mind readers. Even if we think we're being clear, we often tiptoe around things that bother us until the other person figures it out _ and they usually don't. So if he's not acting chivalrous, it's more than OK to ask for what you want. That's how you get it.
