KNOW THAT HE IS
Everybody knew David Brent wasn’t perfect. He didn’t always say the right thing, didn’t mind a dance and didn’t mind a lager. A pint thereof. But the workplace seemed a more exciting place with him around. However, sweet management gigs don’t last forever, particularly when there is inappropriate behaviour in front of the cameras, and after what seemed like no time at all, it was all over. Brent was gone, frogmarched out of Wernham Hogg and on to the good ship Do One with nothing more than a fat redundancy cheque, never to be seen again, until the Christmas special a year later.
Assistant to the manager Gareth swiftly took up the reins. A bit more gaunt in the cheek, he didn’t seem like the most qualified replacement, but he was the only person in the building who appeared to show an interest. Despite being well-intentioned, it quickly became unclear as to whether Gareth had got either the nous or the stones for the job and, as the office crumbled around him, was often at pains to describe how everything was going just fine, thanks.
“I can’t thank the players and support team enough for the backing I have had,” roared Gareth Southgate in an entirely unrelated context on Tuesday, following England’s barnstorming 0-0 draw with Slovenia in Ljubljana. “We have taken over a mess and had to steady the ship. We are on track. The overall objective is to qualify so, long term, this could be an important point. Would I have been happy with a point if I’d been offered it before the game? No. But it’s ended up as a very important draw in the context of qualifying from the group.”
The Fiver knows it’s not fair to expect Southgate to fix England just 10 days into the job. But time is running out for Gareth, who is now halfway through his four-game interim period. Still, all is not lost: play that badly again and maybe nobody else will want the job.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’m getting increasingly fed up with the negative campaigning against the stadium by some sections of the media. I find it particularly galling when the journalists who are writing these skewed opinions have not even been to the stadium … To limit any trouble the Chelsea game is only available to supporters with a previous buying history” – the unbearded bit of Gollivan gets his funk on over coverage of crowd bother in and around the ground, ticketing haplessness, etc and so on at Taxpayers FC’s new home.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Oumar Niasse’s sad existence at Everton (yesterday’s Quote of the Day). He turns up at work unwanted every day, is shunned by his more illustrious colleagues and gets no respect from The Man before finding a quiet corner to sit on his own. May I ask The Fiver if this reminds it of anyone?” – Pete Renwick.
“Does anyone at Big Paper know how and why Ronaldo appears to now be advising the government on the economics of Brexit? The subject matter appears a tad outside his natural area of expertise, or is this proof that the country has in fact had enough of experts (which would also explain the popularity of most football pundits)? Surely that Bosman fella would have been a better appointment?” – Stuart Hall.
“I would like to take advantage of the lack of letters during this international fortnight to point out that, Trnava – where Scotland slumped to a 3-0 defeat against Slovakia – is not located ‘down by the Danube’ as implied by yesterday’s Fiver. Rather, a more accurate phrase would be ‘down by the Trnávka’, the river which flows through Trnava. I’ll be taking my prizeless prize now, thank you” – Sam Crocker.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Pete Renwick.
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BITS AND BOBS
Pope’s Newc O’Rangers manager Mark Warburton says people should lay off Wee Gordon Strachan after Scotland’s 3-0 Slovenia shambles. “I see a very experienced manager, a very experienced coach,” he parped. “We need to look at far deeper issues.” As for Strachan … “At the moment we have given it our best shot.”
Former Derby manager Steve McClaren is to become Derby manager again, after spending the last 17 months relegating Newcastle and providing live in-play analysis of England’s dominant summer comeback victory over Iceland.
Sergio Agüero says Pep Guardiola turned the Wi-Fi off at Manchester City’s training ground after finding “one of my team-mates relaxing with his phone in the massage rooms”. But relax, everybody. “Upstairs there is a little bit of 3G.”
Liverpool suit and USA! USA!! USA!!! management speak ace Ian Ayre says expanding the Anfield Road end would be “not a smart investment for the business … the club needs to find a rounded solution that’s in the best interests of the football club.”
Bernard Cribbins is set to be/has been/has dramatically pulled out of the Villa job, depending on when you’re reading football’s most tea-timely email, and on what happens.
Former head ref Keith Hackett says putting Wythenshawe-based Altrincham fan Anthony Taylor in charge of Monday’s Liverpool v Manchester United tear-up is asking for it. “What if something goes wrong for him on the day … that’s when the focus on him would be intolerable, especially if a controversial incident has gone in favour of Liverpool,” he whistled. “If that happens then it would be those who appointed him who must take the blame.”
Romania are rightly narked after 12 players and the team masseur were robbed before their World Cup qualifier in Kazakhstan. “We didn’t find out who stole the money and all the objects,” sighed a spokesman. “We don’t hold out much hope.”
And one-time troubled Chelsea ace Adrian Mutu is the new general manager of Dinamo Bucharest. “It’s an honour for me to debut in such an important role,” he cheered. “I hope to repay this trust.”
STILL WANT MORE?
In the name of Gord, go, says Ewan Murray. The Fiver’s not allowed to write headlines.
Paul MacInnes on the long, grim, mismanaged decline of Coventry City – who had a crowd of just 8,030 for their last league match.
You (not actually you, unless you’re TJ Gerlach) asked The Knowledge which football mascot was the victim of a kit clash. Here’s your answer, TJ.
Kevin Gameiro shows France what they’ve been missing, someone should stand up for Neymar, and eight more, count them, World Cup qualifier talking points.
Marina Hyde wonders: exactly what sport would The Donald and The Nigel have been playing just before their “locker room” $exual-assault-banter warmdowns?
Norway fan Jonas Giaever holds his head in his hands and asks: how did it come to this? Features a pleasing video.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
