Ed Balls (@edballsmp), you're a Tory baitin', number crunchin', political gunslinger. Anyone who can rattle David Cameron into calling them "the most annoying person in modern politics" is OK by me.
Sadly you haven't displayed the same panache on Twitter that you show at the dispatch box. People are rioting in the streets and singing "We shall not be moved" among jars of over-priced marmalade, yet the best you can come up with is "Five hour train journey from Paddington to Plymouth... Now to a members meeting"?
Here are a few tips on how to get a "yes" in your Twitter box.
Balls the Brand
Your twitter name, @edballsmp, might be factually accurate but, by jingo, it's dull. If you're serious about seeking promotion from the Twitter back benches, then it's time to pimp your twitter handlename. Go for something with a bit of attitude – "@EdBigBalls", "@EdBrassBalls" or even, if you are in the mood to really style it out, @EdGreatBallsOfFire. If anyone can carry it off, it's you.
Woo the womenfolk
Good news. On Twitter you are known as a hot piece of political ass. When Caitlin Moran (@caitlinmoran) tweeted that she felt "a bit … thigh rub" about you, the Twittersphere exploded with the type of lustful hysteria last seen when East 17 played Hammersmith Apollo. Women make up 52% of the population, Ed. Harness the sexy power that led one tweeter to exclaim: "ED BALLS IS SO FIT AND I'M NORMALLY A LESBIAN", and Labour have got the next election in the bag.
Careful with the music tweets
Sharing the contents of your iPod with your followers is fine but you need to keep things like "We at the X Factor 2010 Live Show at the O2 this evening - Cher and Paije excellent so far" to yourself. Nobody is going to trust a Cher Lloyd fan to lead the country out of the recession.
Start a fight
There is nothing Twitter loves more than a big, public barney. @nick_clegg, @WilliamJHague . . . You don't need me to tell you what to do next.
Lots of love,
