Dear Coleen
I threw my husband out a few years ago after he cheated numerous times and we’re now divorced. At first, he saw our kids and made an effort, but over the past couple of years, he’s been around less and less.
He’s now even forgetting their birthdays, which is very upsetting and I’m left to deal with the fallout.
He has an on/off girlfriend but they’re always arguing and he’ll move out for a few weeks, so his life is utter chaos. Meanwhile, I’ve met a lovely guy, who’s also divorced, and he moved in with us last year. The children love him.
Now my ex has taken things a step too far. At a school football match recently, he showed up and told our boys that I won’t let him see them, which is nonsense.
I don’t know what he thinks there is to gain from telling lies like this, other than to make me angry.
I, of course, told the children that it wasn’t true and had to bite my tongue from letting rip on their father, but how should I deal with him? I’ve spent the past few years bringing up his sons and resisting the urge to badmouth him, even though I’ve felt like it on many occasions.
My partner is very supportive and just says I shouldn’t rise to it.
Have you any advice?
Coleen says
I think it’s very low of your ex to target your kids like this because he’s got an axe to grind. Ultimately, they’re the ones who’ll end up hurt and confused.
I think it’s right not to badmouth him in front of the children – don’t sink to his level. But, if I were you, I’d pay their dad a visit one day and tell him politely in front of the children that he’s welcome to see them at any time and that you’ll welcome birthday presents and so on.
The thing is, the older your kids get, the more they’ll understand and they’ll realise for themselves that he’s the one who has been absent and you’re the one who’s been there for them.
He sounds unhappy and he might be jealous that you’ve found a good man who’s supportive and who your kids get on with, so he’s trying to hurt you via the children.
I think as long as you’re clear with him and the boys that he’s welcome to spend time with them, then you know you’re doing all you can. And why not ask him if he wants to make some proper arrangements to see his sons on a regular basis? You might start hearing a different story from him.
I don’t know if he’ll change his attitude, but as long as you’re doing the right thing and your kids feel loved and supported by you and your partner, then they’ll be OK.
