Ever since Piers Morgan took control of Good Morning Britain, breakfast television has changed. Once it was simply a place where two very patient, mild-mannered anchors could repeat the same four news stories every half an hour until you went to work.
But Piers has upset the order. Because now breakfast television is largely a receptacle for berkish blokes who want to belch and groan their own dumb opinions at length regardless of the situation. Forget news, it’s gaffes that people want. It’s post-show virality. That’s why, when Piers Morgan has a day off, Good Morning Britain brings in Richard Madeley. And it’s why, if Piers Morgan and Richard Madeley both have a day off at the same time, Good Morning Britain will hire a chimp, or a dog in a hat, or a Teddy Ruxpin loaded up with an Anthrax cassette to take their place.
Compared to the bonk-headed pyrotechnics on ITV, BBC Breakfast has always been relatively sedate. But that also might be about to change. Because, and this is hugely exciting to report, Dan Walker has just stepped up. If everything goes according to plan, Walker might just emerge as the new breakfast villain of our time.
Here’s why. Yesterday, Walker excitedly tweeted a video showcasing the new BBC Breakfast mugs that had been placed in the studio. In itself, this was a red flag; the sort of enthusiastic detail-oriented missive that tends to draw comparisons to Alan Partridge. However, since Walker works for the BBC and Twitter is Twitter, people reacted like he’d dropped a nuclear bomb into a volcano. “Did my license [sic] fee pay for those?” replied one man. “If you did a proper job and saved lives etc then justified” wrote another. “Thats why we pay a licence fee then”. “Good to see the licence fee being spent properly … oh… wait …”. “Are you guys gonna keep quiet about the atrocities being carried out by the IDF??”
On and on and on it went. But most people know to never engage with this sort of online buffoonery, because you can never win an argument with an idiot. Walker, though, lost his damn mind. Five hours later, he clapped back with a furiously itemised list of all his mug-based grievances. “1. It’s a mug 2. It’s LICENCE 3. They cost about £1.50 each 4. That’s a grand total of £3 for the 2 we use every day 5. Did I mention it’s a mug? 6. I hope you’re not doing anything ‘frivolous’ like drinking tea today 7. Thanks for watching.”
If this seems familiar, it’s because it’s almost exactly what happened during the World Cup, when he posted a video of a bear in a football shirt putting balls in a barrel. “I think he might be an #England fan,” Walker quipped, to the widespread horror of hundreds of people who saw the clip as Walker condoning animal cruelty. Walker’s reaction, again, was to wig out. “Please listen. I do NOT think this is cool, funny or clever. I do think it’s VILE. I do not think it should be ignored. I felt – perhaps foolishly – that it would be obvious I thought it was disgusting but I can see the reason for confusion from the tone,” he sniffed, before confusing the tone further by using the hashtag #SaveTheBear and a thumbs up emoji.
To be clear, I am all for Walker’s behaviour. BBC Breakfast still routinely gets more viewers than Good Morning Britain, but it lacks a breakout star. This might just be Walker’s opportunity to shine. Until now he’s just been a mildly anaemic, Tim Lovejoyish bloke-lite of a presenter. But by revealing his short fuse, he’s finally given the producers something to exploit.
It is my honest opinion that all breakfast TV producers want is a clip that will blow up once the show has ended, like when Madeley shouted at Gavin Williamson, the defence secretary, or whenever you see Susanna Reid sadly reassess all her life decisions midway through the 10th Piers Morgan rant of the day. And Walker is the man who’ll provide this for the BBC.
BBC Breakfast, please lean into this. If you have any sense, you’ll spend every episode gently goading Walker. Mess with his autocue a little. Make him interview 20 crying toddlers at once. Fill his mug with bees. Anything, so long as it makes him lose his temper on air, because then we’ll all spend a day laughing about it on Twitter, and he’ll become a star and you’ll reinforce your ratings superiority. Dan Walker is quite clearly a gaffe king in waiting. Perhaps it’s time for a coronation.
