Viewers of Coronation Street, please join together in a minute’s silence to mark the passing of Kylie Platt. Sadly, the hoop-earringed whirlwind met a harrowing pre-watershed end outside the kebab shop. Not just any kebab shop, but the one with the best name in the world: Prima Doner. Just as Kylie’s dream of living with David in Barbados was about to come true, she was whisked off to that great cage-dancing club in the sky.
Being stabbed by mysterious villain Clayton, who popped up out of nowhere to hassle trappy kebab-mistress Gemma, was no way for such a young soap legend-in-the-making to go. Kylie died trying to save Gemma, but she was worth 10 of her. Despite the fact that Gail once bunged her £1,000 to jilt David before their wedding, Kylie made peace with her mother-in-law as she lay on her deathbed. “If [her son] Max had brought someone like me home I’d be well disappointed,” said Kylie before David held her for those heart-wrenching final moments, beautifully played by all.
Coming so soon after the demise of the late, great Tina McIntyre, Kylie’s death proves that Weatherfield is a dangerous place to be if you’re gobby of temperament and tidy of eyebrow. Vicar-banging quip machine Todd had better watch his back.
Over in Walford, EastEnders great Sam Mitchell breezed back into the Square for Peggy’s funeral carrying a handful of euros and a bucketload of baggage. Trussed up like a Poundland Kardashian, she brought attitude, red lippy and a fascinator stolen from one of the horses drawing her mum’s carriage. Sam’s cleavage was the talk of Walford, and not just because it looked like she was smuggling both Phil and Grant through customs. Where were the pair? “You’d better ask Sharon,” purred Sam. “She seems to know my brothers better than anyone.”
Eventually, Phil and Grant turned up to see their old ma off, struggling to control their emotion as they did. Phil stumbled as he carried the coffin, while a single tear fell down Grant’s cheek, like a drop of juice leaking from a trampled satsuma. There was a “Get outta my pub” speech from Phil, and Linda unveiled a giant bell in Peggy’s memory. Insert your own gag about Mick whipping off his dressing gown if you’re that way inclined.
Funeral-wise, Sharon ran the show, directing mourners from underneath her shoulder-padded grief cape, but it was Sam who stole it. Dolled up, spouting barbed one-liners and licking her lips at her babydaddy Jack: Peggy would be proud of her daughter. Cunningly, Sam “forgot” to take her son Ricky as she flounced out of town again. The campaign to bring back Dame Danniella of Westbrook starts here.
After all, there’s a vacancy in the EEs cast since Paul Coker’s demise. He was the victim of the old soap bait-and-switch, with viewers expecting Ben Mitchell to get the chop instead. When Phil and Ian were asked to identify Ben’s body after a violent incident, they feared the worse, but as the camera panned up it emerged that it was Ben’s moptopped boyfriend who had been offed. A shame because killer of Hev and all-round irritant Ben was a character well overdue a killing off.
Emmerdale saw Charity Dingle set out to entrap Dr Bailey, who’s been showing teenage tearaway™ Belle more than just his stethoscope. She’ll stop at nothing to split them up and Belle will go even further to cling on to that married man. When he tried to break off the affair, Belle decided to fake a bun in the oven a la Abi from EastEnders. Seasoned seductress Charity set a honeytrap, stripping off in the hope that the doctor would examine the mole on her bum and be lured in. He was having none of it, proving himself to be surprisingly loyal to Belle. In fact, his only misdemeanor was going on a few dates with the village’s resident fantasist Emma Barton. Charity was disgusted by the idea. “If you’d said you were dressing up a horse in suspenders I’d have had more respect,” she spat. Only she could conjure up a mental image that leaves you so desperately in need of a sheep dip.
Finally, Ste’s descent into bad-boy hell continued in Hollyoaks. Tony was convinced that building a bed and listening to a spot of the Communards would cure all the miscreant’s ills. “I’m trying to come off crystal meth and you’re asking me to do DIY,” sweated Ste. Ever wondered what Homes Under The Hammer would be like if everyone was on a comedown? Here’s your answer.
