THE INVINCIBLE
After a long and bruising season in which he has endured unprecedented abuse from the stands and the skies, Arsène Wenger hovers on the brink of an extraordinary personal triumph. There he is, Arsenal’s longest-serving manager, just one more game and one more post-match press conference away from going an entire campaign without letting slip the slightest clue as to whether he will be on his throne next season. It is a daunting, wacky and deeply satisfying challenge that Wenger has set himself and he is tantalisingly close to completing it, like a bloke just 100 metres shy of Penzance harbour having circumnavigated the globe in a modified Dora the Explorer lunchbox. Come on Arsène, you can do it! One. Last. Hush.
For months and months Wenger has been unyielding in the face of simple requests for clarity, staring at the drooling, yellow-toothed maw of the national media and remaining steadfastly unhelpful. Younger and weaker managers would have cracked just to get a moment’s breathing space away from the sweaty interrogators, and then their defeat would have been trumpeted from a yellow ticker of shame. Not Wenger. He may have lost his Big Cup place and the love of many Arsenal fans, but neither the press nor social media disgrace Twitter will grind him down. So no one knows whether Saturday’s FA Cup final will be Wenger’s last match in charge of Arsenal after a reign of nearly 21 years. The Fiver has asked sources in the American intelligence services but they’re not telling, which means even they don’t know. All we can say for sure is that the 136th FA Cup final will be memorable for any of a multitude of possible reasons.
Most likely it will go down as the match in which Antonio Conte completed the Double in his first season in England. That, depending on what’s going on chez Arsenal, might mean a painful end to Wenger’s epic reign. On the other hand, this final might be remembered as the one in which one of the greatest managers in the history of English football pulled off one last masterstroke by overcoming savage criticism, a spate of injuries and a brain barf by Laurent Koscielny to somehow beat the champions with a central defence comprised of any three from Rob Holding, Nacho Monreal, Steve Bould, Ainsley Harriot, Dara O’Briain, Tony McCoy, Johnny Rotten, Tony Hadley, Barbara Windsor, Benedict Cumberbatch, Donald Trump’s son, Tony Adams’s blue chequered-suit, Goonersaurus, one of those machines used to mark out the lines on a pitch or, as a last resort, Per Mertesacker.
That would be an aptly impressive way for Wenger to win his seventh (SEVENTH) FA Cup. Whatever happens, the Fiver mostly hopes that Wenger remains tightlipped about his future in the post-game press quiz or else that he announces his intention to stay for another couple of years via a banner trailed from a light aircraft. But there is also a part of the Fiver that wants Wenger to announce his imminent departure just before kick-off on Saturday and then award himself a starting place in the back three. Then a gnarled, divisive and self-indulgent old centre-back could sub himself off in, say, the 26th minute. And no one could dispute that he deserves a guard of honour.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We have an ambitious project” – a suit at Funermostra, an annual funeral expo-shindig in Valencia, unveils a Bernabéu-shaped coffin designed to relieve wealthy Real Madrid fans of just the €15,000 should they breathe their last and fancy joining the worms in a stadium-themed box.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I find your article of ‘The wastelands of the MLS, Chinese Super League or Everton’ (Thursday’s Fiver) very offensive. I will be reporting this to Everton FC to take action. Everton are an attractive team to play for after the investment of Farah Moshiri, also one of the biggest and most successful teams in the English Premier League, just to let you morons know football didn’t start in 1992 if you look it up Everton was formed in 1878 and is by NO means a wasteland, pathetic journalism with such offensive marks to one of the GREATS of English Football. I expect an apology and for this article to be withdrawn immediately!” – Steve the Evertonian (and no other Evertonians).
“I was happily wading through today’s Fiver while gently sipping a glass of the local red (I live in the Languedoc) when I read Matthew Atkinson’s letter. I quote (in full): ‘Sam Allardyce? He’s gonna do Strictly, isn’t he?’ As a result: (1) I spilt half of what was left in my glass of Minervois Rouge; (2) I know that I will not be able to sleep tonight because that image will keep popping into my subconscious. Matthew, you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking such a thing” – Martyn Wilson.
“Are you winding us up with that Daniel Farke quote in yesterday’s Fiver? ‘The more I hear about Norwich, the more excited I get.’ It begs the question, what did they tell him about the city of Norwich? Maybe he’ll turn up believing dinosaurs roam the town square and dragons live in church towers” – Dan Makeham.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Steve the Evertonian, who wins a copy of The Agony & The Ecstasy: a Comprehensive History of the Football League Play-offs, courtesy of the kind chap that is Richard Foster. Get in touch to claim your prize.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
‘Arry Redknapp wants to sign Benoit Assou-Ekotto but there’s a snag. “The only trouble is that he’s admitted he wants to be a pornstar,” sighed ‘Arry. “Maybe I can get another year out of him before he decides to do that. What a good player. He could well end up in the Birmingham colours next year, Benoit.”
Pablo Zabaleta has scrawled Pablo Zabaleta all over a two-year contract to join West Ham, a club that still considers full-backs relevant.
Sir Alex Ferguson has praised the spirit of the city of Manchester in the wake of Monday’s terrorist attack. “They went through some difficult times in the past, they will get together because they’ve got a working class ethic about them and there’s a great unity there in the city,” he said.
The ongoing shambles at Blackpool means the club have only sold 5,000 tickets for their League Two play-off final with Exeter but still, striker Mark Cullen is looking on the bright side. “I’m 25 so hopefully I get another chance to play at Wembley, but if you look at Neil Danns in our dressing room he’s old – 35 or something [he’s 34] – and he’s never played at Wembley so you should never give up the dream,” he crooned.
Crystal Palace have plundered the sofa and sold off the DVD collection to keep Wilfried Zaha at the club, signing the winger up to a new five-year contract worth £110,000-a-week. “I would like to thank the chairman for being a big part of my journey and his fellow owners for backing me and rewarding my progression. Let’s do this!” he cheered.
After Pep Guardiola’s doomed plan last summer – loaning out his best goalkeeper and replacing him with a midfielder in comedy foam gloves – the Manchester City boss has begun this one with a more traditional approach. Out goes the relative chaff of Jesús Navas, Gaël Clichy, Willy Caballero and Bacary Sagna and in comes a classy stalk of wheat in the shape of £60m Bernardo Silva, whose move from Monaco to the Etihad is expected to be confirmed on Friday evening.
And Garry Monk’s resignation from Nasty Leeds has sparked a scramble for his services with Watford and Middlesbrough thought to be jostling for position, while handbrake football’s Aitor Karanka is the favourite to take over at Elland Road.
STILL WANT MORE?
“High-mileage battering ram”, “toxic theatricality” and “needling street-warrior spirit” are among the words used in Barney Ronay’s assessment of Diego Costa’s value. Read those words and all the other ones here.
“It was scary – you’re not thinking about football that night or the next day.” Borussia Dortmund’s Christian Pulisic talks about the impact of last month’s bus attack and lots more besides with Nick Ames.
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain may have been the competition’s Unlucky Alf in recent years, having missed two finals, but he’s finally bang up for appearing in this year’s FA Cup final. “We’ve given ourselves an opportunity to win a trophy, which is what football’s all about,” he said, challening contemporary orthodoxy, in this chat with David Hytner
In other FA Cup final interview news, David Luiz admits taking a risk in returning to England, “the one country not happy with me”, as he reflects on a successful return to Chelsea, with Dominic Fifield.
How does it feel to win the play-offs? AFC Wimbledon boss Neal Ardley tells you here. Well, he tells Richard Foster actually. Yes, the man behind the Fiver letters prize.
Irish striker Cillian Sheridan riffs on a nomadic career that has taken him from Belvedere to Bulgaria, Barcelona and beyond, and given him the chance to say rude words to Leo Messi, in this interview with Jonathan Drennan.
In the age of the wealthy super clubs and the inequality gap, winning the Double has all become a bit meh, reckons Paul Wilson.
Score more! Move more! Jamie Jackson gives Manchester United five suggestions on how they can improve after their Big Vase win.
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