Easter is seven weeks away, but already I’m cross about hot cross buns. A blamelessly simple seasonal offering bearing multiple messages of joy: Christ is risen; the days are getting longer; winter is over; spring is coming. Take your pick: there’s something for everyone.
So why mess with hot cross buns? On our shelves now are to be found: red velvet hot cross buns; cheese, tomato and oregano hot cross buns; salted-caramel blondie hot cross buns; and West Country mature cheddar and stout hot cross buns.
And these are early days. There’s time aplenty for new outrages against this centuries-old tradition to see the light of day. I’m indebted to @sarahvanpelt on Twitter for pointing this out: “I don’t want [to] over exaggerate but I think we can attribute part of our decline as a nation to when we started fucking about with Hot Cross Buns.” I don’t think Sarah exaggerates one jot. This kind of thing needs stamping out.
A similar thing happens every year in the run-up to Christmas. For weeks on end, every cookery page and television programme features recipes for turkey with a twist. Why the need for the twist? You can’t be bored of turkey, surely? You only have it once a year, for heaven’s sake. If it’s turned out dry in the past, it’s because you’ve overcooked it, so instead of twisting away with inappropriate herbs, spices, stuffings, week-long brinings, etc, just learn how to cook it properly. OK, twist up your bog-standard bolognese or bangers and mash if you must, but leave the once-a-year turkey alone.
And the hot cross buns, too. I mean, there’s plenty going on in them, anyway. Sultanas, mixed peel, mixed spice, zest of this and that – what more do you want?
There’s precedent for hot cross bun legislation – restrictions on their sale were imposed in the reigns of Elizabeth I and James I. It’s time to look at this again and stamp out the twisting, which is verging on heretical. Intervention is needed, before we twist ourselves to death.
• Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster, writer and Guardian columnist
