So the action kicked off last night, with frittatas and goats cheese and lamb chops (Oh my!) when the lovely Heidi Stephens was your guide for heats one and two.
Tonight, join me from 8pm and keep hitting refresh, because I'll be following all the action on BBC1 - or BBC 2, if there's more of that 'tennis' marlarky - and if you're here to catch up, then click read more to read more of heats 3 and 4.
Or should that be "Eats" 3 and 4?! Gettit? Gettit? Oh, I crack me up, I really do.
So. Last night was very exciting, if rather of breakneck speed. Two heats per show, three shows per week? Boy, Beeb, could you squish this all in just a little bit tighter, do you think? Perfectionist Andi Peters won one heat, Hywel Simons (who should possibly be rechristened "Whothehell? Simons" for the amount that my esteemed colleague had heard of him) won the other.
Tonight? It could be anyone! Or rather, it could be two of the six people competing this evening:
Claire Richards, Sean Wilson, and Loose Woman Kaye Adams. (I'm not being judgemental, she just works on Loose Women. The television programme) Also, Vicki Michelle, Chris Parker and Louis Emerick.
Yes, it'll probably be two of those six. Almost certainly. If it was anyone else, it would surely be a case for Ofcom.
So let's hope there's no funny business in store - or perhaps a little, because otherwise this is going to be a very dull evening - when I come back at 8 in search of [dramatic pause] Celebrity Masterchef 2008!
Back at 8
7.58: "In a moment on BBC 1, famous faces cooking to impress", says the easily impressed continuity man. but first, a 90-second news update. MPs voted to keep getting expenses for their second homes and Kylie Minogue was given some kind of fancy necklace by Prince Charles. In the weather: it's going to rain. What a very British news update. I feel like singing the national anthem.
8.02: "It's day one, and the first three celebrities arrive to compete for the title of Celebrity Masterchef", says the smooth-voiced voiceover lady, confusingly, seeing as the first day was yesterday. Perhaps she means the first day of the second set, which is all starting to sound a bit confusing, like the rules of tennis. which is, at least, topical.
Today, Claire Richards (ex of Steps), Sean Wilson (used to be in Coronation Street), and Kaye Adams ( Loose Woman). They've got 50 minutes to create two deliscious dishes from ingredients inclusing: Salmon, Chorizo, frozen peas, penne, pears, walnuts, and white wine.
And all of that while talking to John Torrode and Gregg Wallace about what it was like to be in Steps.
Good, apparently. But hard work. Claire's nervous.
8.06: "I've seen Martin Platt dig in to Betty's hotpot in the Rover's Return many times", growls Gregg - "This man KNOWS what good food is".
That bald greengrocer apparently doesn't know what fictional television is...
Kaye, John says, is being very quiet today.
"I'm busy cooking" she explains. Which makes sense.
8.14: "New Mum Claire" - her full title for the evening - has made a savory potato and chorizo frittata and a rocket salad - which is understandable, because a sweet one of those is a doozy to pull off. She's also serving salmon poached in white wine and penne, with some peas.
The frittata's light, but the rocket's dry, says John. Dry rocket's a bugger to eat; gets all stuck to your palate - so as you can imagine, John's not best pleased.
Sean's made a roasted tomato soup with basil and balsamic and chorizo - "They're big, BIG flavours" says Gregg "I can't taste the tomato though" - which is a bit of a problem in a bowl of tomato soup.
His main is a piece of salmon on garlic mash and a beurre blanc sauce is a bit fancy, and slightly over cooked, but the judges are more pleased. "With a few chef tips and a bit of time, you might be alright" they say.
Pear, blue cheese, walnut and rocket for Loose Woman Kaye. Salmon, mach and mushy peas, seems to be the main - and they're nice about that too.
They're quite nice about everything, in fact. Where's the shouting? I want shouting.
8.15: While the celebrities have a little rest in the back kitchen, John and Gregg talk about them in serious (but still very pleasant) terms in another room.
"I know they're celebrities, but they still have to be able to cook ..." ooh, this is good, we might be about to get a blasting, here ..." and I was really pleasantly surprised with how well they did." Oh "No doubt about it, we're going to eat really well, here!" Double-"Oh".
8.18: Day two, and the celebrities are shipped off to a posh West End restaurant to make real food for real people.
8.20: Claire's on the Lobster starter, Sean's been put in charge of Tuna Something, and Kaye's the woman with the Halibut. Loose Halibut, possibly.
While Claire struggles at first, leaving her little metal food-mould around her frou-frou lobster salad (she said, technically), she quickly improves, and, is eventually named the best of the restaurant challenge. This is as much feedback as I can gather from the Chef, oo talks lack theez, and is ginrilly ze most Franch person since Allo Allo.
8.25: "Yesterday, NewMumClaire made some very good dishes" says smooth M&S voiceover lady. "Then she impressed in the restaurant, can she make two good enough dishes to win the day?"
Well, let's see, she's making Steak and rosti, and strawberry cheesecake.
She wins MY heart, and now I'm hungry. I do wish they'd stop calling her NewMum, though. She's not going to cook her baby, is she? IS SHE?
For Sean - Scallops for a starter, and Steak for main.
And for Kaye - well, Kaye's going a bit crazy; mainly in that she's not cooking steak, which is a real departure. She's making a fish curry, and then some pears in chocolate sauce, which she likes but has never actually cooked. [insert catastrophic music here]
8.27: The time comes to dish up.
Claire gets her timing wrong, and when everything is dished up, the mushroom sauce is still in the pan. They let her add it, but with stern caveats that they're going to have to take that into consideration.
The steak, though, is cooked perfectly. The rosti is crispy on the outside, cooked all the way through - the cheesecake? "You know what you should do with this? Put it in boxes and sell it" says John.
In the green room after, Claire sits an has a little cry about the pressure. Pressure Schmessure. It's the hormones. (She's a new mum, you know)
8.29: Neither Sean's spicy scallops or Kaye's Loose Fish Curry are spicy enough - but Sean's steak is perfectly cooked (although his mash could be more cheesy)(which sounds like a euphemism but isn't)
The Pears and Chocolate, remarkably, turn out a lot better than anyone expected. And a lot better than the curry.
8.30: In the judges room, though, they're talking about Sean's potential. "His scallop sauce was divine", says Gregg.
8.32: In the judges room, there's a big old argument going on. John's a big fan of Claire, and thinks that somewhere in there, there's a great chef just waiting to get out (a phrase reminiscent of weight watchers, but let's move on) - while Gregg is a really big fan of Sean and his divine spicy sauce.
But after it all.
8.32: Claire's going through to tomorrow's quarter final. Hurrah, NewMum who used to be in Steps!
8.35: Day three (or nine, or 2.3, or wherever these bizarre counting methods are leading us) and three new celebrities arrive to compete: Vicki Michelle (Allo Allo, how long before the first 'I'll say this only once' gag, do we think?), Louis Emerick (Brookside) and Chris Parker (Eastenders)
Chicken Breast, Parma ham, linguini, lemon, amaretti biscuits, tomatoes, and a bunch of other things.
8.36: "Vikki is a well known actress and ... I'll say this only once ... she could be a great cook"
DING DING DING DING DING!
8.43: Chris, a vegetarian, has made pasta arrabiata and garlic bread. "Are you scared of Vampires?" say the judges, clearly referring to the amount of garlic in the dish. "No, why?" says Chris. "Because there's a lot of garlic in the dish", they say.
For pudding, berries with lemon cream and biscuits - which, as far, as I can tell, only involved one bit of 'cooking' in mixing some lemon with some cream.
Chicken in a tomato and ham sauce with mash and broccoli for Vicki - which is not bad, though they spend a long time discussing her mixed berry pancake. "A pancake with holes in it? On masterchef? Can we forgive you for that?" they ask. She bats her Yvette-from-Allo-Allo eyelashes. It turns out they can, yes.
Louis: Chilli Chicken pasta, which is all right, but with overcooked chicken and not enough spice, the judges could be happier. And also with the pudding, which is, again, berries and cream - and garnished with flatleaf parsley, which is an interesting touch.
Oh, it was a mistake.
8.45: After a slew of negative comments in the judges room "Parsley" "Holes in the pancake!" "Spice!" "Chewy Chicken!"
The judges put back on their nice-to-celebrity hats, and Gregg cheerfully sums it all up "Three celebrities, no disasters, everything to play for in the next round!" He bounces.
8.49: Chris, bless him, flails a bit in the restaurant round. Being vegetarian, he can't taste his lobster risotto, so is cooking blind, and cooking a lot of it too. The orders pile up, and he looks quite flustered, the dear little lamb.
Vicki cooks the fish of the day, again and again and again, and does very well with it.
Louis struggles a bit with his pheasant at first (and, sounds like a euphemism - isn't), but gets to grips with it eventually.
Who wins the day? The chef likes Vicki the best. And he looks too young to even remember 'Allo 'Allo, so that's from the heart (rather than the tenderloin)
8.55: Final challenge, the celebrities have to cook their very best meals:
Chris is going with a very simple menu - Watercress soup and then Butternut Squash risotto. Which is nice, but very simple, and of course the problem with going very simple is that you have to do it very, very well to pull it off.
Vicki, says smooth voiced lady, is going with comfort food - a chocolate fondant, and scallops with chips and peas. Could be good: could be a bit lumpen as a meal, surely?
Louis needs to show the judges that he can cook something a bit more exciting - and is going with Gnocchi with clams and prawns - mascarpone cheese with some berries and cream. Which is really quite like pudding the day before.
Meanwhile, outside my house, there's an alarming sound of rhythmic bells. If I suddenly become unable to hear the television, please understand that it's because there are Morris Men outside.
8.53: The judges enjoy Chris's meal, it's simple, it's nice enough, but is it good enough to win?
He should have added a steak. That would have done it.
8.55: Vicki's scallop, chips and peas, I have to say, look dreadful. The chips are anaemic, the peas are half way between whole and mush, and the scallops sit looking a bit sad on the top. And her fondant looks like a big plop. Yes, I know those aren't exactly proof of descriptive powers to make Nancy quiver in her throne, but frankly, you haven't seen the fondant. That's just what it looks like.
8.56: "The flavours are good" they say of Louis, which is more than they've had to say about the others. "You'd need about twelve pieces of cutlery to eat it, though" and you would. Though frankly after an hour of watching food passing by and remembering I've not eaten yet tonight, I'd stick my face in it and damn the cutlery to hell.
8.58: Listening to the judges talk, you can't help but imagine that they wish they could just throw this lot over and bring in Sean from heat three - but it seems they can't. Poor Sean. First fired from Coronation Street, now from Masterchef, and he was bloody marvellous in both of them. Some people just have terrible luck. Sigh. Speaking of which, there's an accordion starting up outside my front door.
9.00: Who wins heat 4? It's Louis! Hurrah for Louis, hurrah for Brookside, and hurrah for the quarter final, which Heidi will be bringing you tomorrow night.
But not here, no no no: tomorrow night the liveblog will be over on Word of Mouth, and over here, Carrie will be bringing you all the latest from Big Brother.
And with that, there are some men wearing bells and hankies hitting each other with sticks outside. I'm off to call the police.
Thank you and good night
