Tonight we're combining two of my favourite things - cooking and liveblogging - for the opening show of this year's Celebrity Masterchef, where famous people show us that they are just like the rest of us, or at least those of us who fancy ourselves as quite nifty in the kitchen. Home-made goat's cheese tart, anyone?
So join me on BBC2 from 8pm (never MIND the tennis, the Spanish bloke's going to win anyway) for when our first six budding chefs will be hoping to cook up a storm, impress the judges and make it through to the first quarter final on Friday. Click read more to read more, join the foodie fray by leaving your caustic culinary comments in the box below, and don't forget to refresh for updates and new comments.
Hurrah, it's Celebrity Masterchef 2008! OK, I'll confess at this point that I've actually never watched it - I'm told there have been two previous series, but somehow they both passed me by. Possibly because they coincided with a time when Big Brother was vaguely watchable and entertaining? Ah, nostalgia.
The master plan is that the Guardian Liveblog Squad (Ooh, liking that - Jason, can we have t-shirts?) will be capturing every curdled sauce and collapsed soufflé on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday each week until the final on July 25. Sometimes here on Organ Grinder, sometimes on Word of Mouth, just to keep you on your toes, haha.
So according to the PR blurb, there are a mighty 24 celebs taking part this year (HOW many?), but tonight it's all about the first six, and even though I know their names, I'm not going to spoil things just yet, mainly because I am still frantically trawling t'internet for info about who the bloody hell some of them are.
Back at 8!
20:00: Well, we're on BBC2 because the tennis is still going on BBC1, and all hell has broken loose in my house because I've turned over at a rather crucial moment in the third set. Ho hum. I shall expense my divorce to The Guardian.
But I'm here, Celebrity Masterchef is on, so let's get this show on the road, shall we?
Six celebs who believe they've got what it takes to become Celebrity Masterchef. First, two dishes from scratch out of a box of mystery ingredients. Then they have to cook lunch in a restaurant, and finally wow the judges with their own recipes.
Andy Peters is wearing something vile and green, and is described as 'much loved', bless him. He is of course a former resident of the BBC broom cupboard, who I remember twatting about incompetently in the Live & Kicking kitchen with Emma Forbes (who, in an entirely unrelated aside, I have occasionally been mistaken for. No, really). Anyhoo, he then went off to become a TV exec, but I'm told now presents a cooking show on daytime telly. I am going to go out on a limb here and predict a joke about Edd the Duck à l'orange. Hey, in my head it has comic potential.
He's joined by 80's pop pixie-turned-actress Clare Grogan, and Joe McGann, who is one of the many McGann brothers, possibly the one who played the housekeeper in that dodgy 90's sitcom with Honor Blackman. Or possibly that was one of the others. It probably doesn't matter, in fairness. He has a giant beard.
First they have to rustle up a couple of courses from a box of ingredients, which includes rocket and digestive biscuits, and lots of other stuff I missed. Shit, this programme moves quickly.
Ageless Andi looks quite together but I can't focus on anything but his vile t-shirt, and Clare is faffing wildly. Andi's tiger prawns look yummy, although John says they are a bit salty. Gregg likes them very much. Sorry, who are the judges again? His fabulous-looking dessert goes down a storm, and the judges are practically offering to marry him.
Clare's bruschetta also gets the thumbs up from the judges, but her chilli prawns lack kick. Although generally jolly well done again.
Joe has made goat's cheese frittata, which tastes alright but looks a mess. It's not looking good for Joe, although his thai prawn main course is also a winner.
So basically they all played a blinder. Where's the fun in this, people? I want kitchen panic and stuff that tastes crap. I want judges GAGGING.
20:10: Next round, they have to knock up lunch in London eaterie Bertorelli's. Perfectionist Andi (which M&S voiceover woman has clearly decided is his actual name) is in charge of seafood linguini, whereas Clare is doing lamb cutlets. And she is panicking, hurrah.
Joe is doing something with pea sauce (sorry, that's the only bit I caught), which looks vile. The background music moves into hardcore trance mode, which suggests more frantic faffing about is to follow. Standards are slipping, even from perfectionist Andi. Oh no.
But they all pull it together in the end. Diego the chef chooses Andi as his favourite. Yay! He's my favourite too.
20:20: Back to the studio, where they now have to make a meal of their own design. Perfectionist Andi is going all out with seared tuna and banana muffins. Glenn is not convinced.
Clare is doing a creamy roast chicken risotto, which neither judge is looking very keen on. Apparently the addition of creme fraiche makes it less of a risotto, and more of a rice dish with creme fraiche. You say tomato, I say whatever.
Joe is doing some good old fashioned family cooking - black pudding with scallops and colcannon. Yup, s'what I feed my kids.
Time's up, and they all look very worried. Andi's tuna is fab, but the cream spoils it. They are underwhelmed. The muffin looks fabulous, and tastes even better, so Andi has redeemed himself. Good man.
Putting creme fraiche in a risotto is criminal, says John, who is getting on my nerves. But it tastes good, so no public flogging just yet. Her dessert tastes great, but her presentation is rubbish.
Joe's starter is 'symphony' says Joe, and looks beautiful. His lamb also looks stunning and tastes fab, but his spuds are a bit bland.
Everyone has done a good job, which is wildly disappointing. I think Clare's getting booted. Let's ask Nick and Margeret. Oh, wrong show.
20:27:: It's time to make a decision. Andi's through, the other two are FIRED! Hurrah, I love Andi Peters. He is a legend.
Can I breathe now?
Apparently not. Three more celebs, and we're heavily into the realms of people I'm afraid I've never heard of, although I suspect this is down to my TV-viewing shortcomings rather than their lack of famousness.
Ninia Benjamin is a comedienne, who according to my blurb has apparently also been on Cirque de Celebrite and Celebrity Scissorhands, suggesting there's very little her agent can throw at her that her she won't sign up for, or possibly that she is now a celebrity by virtue of doing celebrity shows, which is somehow depressing.
Steven Pinder used to be in Brookside, (and I'm taking Wikipedia's word for this, as I've never watched it), and Hywel Simons was in The Bill (ditto).
Round 1 from the ingredient box - which includes rack of lamb, couscous, baby spinach, braeburns, feta cheese, mushrooms, bacon and red peppers. See, paying attention this time.
Steven is an experimental cook, apparently, which doesn't bode well. Ninia isn't having fun, because she can't cook. You're fired, love. Hywel (sorry, I've genuinely never seen this guy before in my life) is a messy cook, apparently, which doesn't please the judges at all. Or me, for that matter, I'm desperate to whip out a wet cloth.
20:35: Steven has made an experimental mushroom, feta and bacon dish, which looks naff but tastes 'fine'. Compliment indeed there from John wotsit. His crusted rack of lamb also 'fine', but not particularly delivering.
Ninia (who? who?) has cooked some lamb to death, but it's nicely spicy. Her dessert of apples and cream is a complete mess, and tastes of raw apple, mint and cream. They are very disappointed. THIS is what I tuned in for! Celebrity humiliation!
Hywel's cooking is also not bad, but not that good. Andi Peters will have half a dozen Michelin stars by the end of his.
Ninia says the judges are 'two tough cookies'. No, that was your dessert, love.
In summary, they are all decidedly average. It is now time to cook lunch in a moroccan/lebanese restaurant called Kenza. I foresee chaos.
All the food looks quite complicated, and Steven's already struggling with timings. Ninia is doing something with sea bass, but she's forgotten to cook one of them and the customer's being kept waiting. It's all going Pete Tong, she tells us. And we know this because the music is rapidly moving into drum & bass mode. There is a lot of couscous. And more couscous.
The chef is flapping, and customers are hungry.
It's the post-match wash up, and chef tells us that they all ballsed it up a bit, but did their best. Out of the three, Hywel gets the chef's vote.
20:47:: Back in the studio, and our budding chefs are cooking their own recipes. Ninia is going for swordfish, and something with plums. Hywel 'the messy cook' (opposed to 'Andi the perfectionist' - voiceover girl got a crush, do you think?), is keen to show he's got what it takes. Hmm.
Steven's starter is very rich but there's too much going on, and his salmon is very nice, despite a dodgy sauce. Ninia's starter looks fabulous, something involving swordfish and brocolli. Alas her fish is undercooked, but overall it's delicious. Her plums are also fablous (innit though?, says Ninia, annoyingly). She forgot to put the almonds in, but generally a brilliant meal. I'd eat it, so gets my vote.
Hywel's effort also looks lovely, but of course all this may be because my dinner's ready and I'm absolutely starving. Peppers on toast to start (him not me), which is a bit dull, let's face it. But the seafood risotto is yummy.
20:55: So they've all redeemed themselves, and after Ninia's efforts I think the girl might have done it. She did well, but let's face it she's no Andi Peters. And there's something I never thought I'd say.
So who's it going to be? Ooh, it's Hywel! Still don't know who the hell he is. Other Half is delighted the Welshman won, so we might put the divorce on hold for now.
Well, that was quite fun, wasn't it? A bit rushed and frantic, but I assume that once they get rid of the talentless dross we'll be able to get into the detail. Generally I think the series has much potential to suck me in like, umm, spaghetti. Or something else that requires sucky eating. Tomorrow, six more 'celebs', and I don't recognise any of them. Anna's at the helm, so join her at 8pm on BBC1 for the next leg.
Cheers all!
