The Clemson vs. Alabama world, Jim Harbaugh’s world, and the most important thing in the college football world, in the 2019 season debut of the Cavalcade of Whimsy.
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Sorry if this column sucks, it’s not my fault …
You try writing a column without using the word THE.
Along with trying to own THE, also sent to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office is the application to trademark America’s Safety School …
Just like there’s no need to go the extra word-step and say, use, or print on a t-shirt Dallas Cowboys Football, or New York Yankees Baseball, or Love Island Casual Sex …
Is there another Ohio State University to necessitate the THE?
It’s not like anyone is confusing it with Ohio University, or University System of Ohio, or International House of Ohio State University, or Ohio State University of Pennsylvania, or the more commonly-used knock-off, Señor Ohio State Speilbergo.
Is it A Ohio State University? No, it’s THE Ohio State University, and Michigan can’t beat ITS football team.
Push out the jive …
Problem One: There’s no truth to the rumor that Miami is trying to trademark the U in John U. Bacon.
Problem Two: If you write brilliant books about college football, there’s no excuse not to go by Johnny U. – like anyone under the age of death knows who Johnny Unitas was – or Johnny Bacon.
Problem Three: If you’re going to randomly throw out for the public that it’s “hard to beat the cheaters” when it comes to recruiting – like Jim Harbaugh states in Bacon’s book, Overtime: Jim Harbaugh and the Michigan Wolverines at the Crossroads of College Football, then bring it, honey.
You’re bound by absolutely nothing, Jim Harbaugh.
You’re the innovative, calculated-wacky head coach who’s not afraid to stir it up, ruffle feathers, poke the bear, and any other cliché you can come up with. So … who’s cheating?
Call it out. Who’s doing this? Why is there any point in hiding what you’re alleging?
Who did you lose a recruit to because of a bag of cash, a Trans Am, or a new tractor?
Is Alabama ALA-freaking-BAMA because it’s paying the players who might have otherwise thought about going to Ann Arbor?
Did Florida beat your Wolverines in the Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl by a gazillion because the Gator players were being given a delightful potpourri of cash and prizes?
Can your team not beat THE Ohio State University because you think THE Buckeye players are given more cars than a 2004 Oprah audience?
If you’re not going to tell the world who the cheaters are, and knowing that absolutely nobody cares if players really are getting something on the side – mainly because it’s 2019, and the rational-thinking world realizes how stupid the system is – then who’s the sucker for not playing the game the actual right way instead of the NCAA rulebook version?
Rubbin’, son, is racin’.
However …
Bring in the love …
I know you don’t want to hear it, America, but since taking over the Michigan head coaching job, Jim Harbaugh has been one of the best head coaches in college football.
Boise State’s Bryan Harsin is up there with 40 wins over the last four seasons. During that span, Scott Satterfield won 40 games at Appalachian State before leaving for Louisville, Rocky Long won 39 at San Diego State, and Tom Herman split up 39 wins between Houston and Texas.
That’s all super, but we live in a Power Five world.
Dabo (55), Saban (55), Urban (45), Paul Chryst (42), David Shaw (40) and Chris Petersen (39). Those are the only six head coaches with more wins at a Power Five school over the last four years than Harbaugh and his 38, which ties him with another oft-maligned head man, Penn State’s James Franklin.
Sure, Harbaugh has had all the advantages at Michigan, and the facilities, and the breaks from getting to coach at a monster program. You know who else has great infrastructure and lots and lots and lots of major positives?
Notre Dame, Tennessee, Texas, USC, UCLA, LSU, South Carolina, Texas A&M, Auburn, Florida, Florida State, Miami, Oklahoma State, Michigan State, Iowa, Nebraska.
Over the last four years, Michigan has won more games than all of those powerhouse football schools.
So as the season goes on and the question gets asked over and over and over again about whether or not Harbaugh can beat Ohio State and/or “win the big one,” the answer is simple.
If you’re not happy with winning 38 college football games in four years at a Power Five school, then who do you have waiting in the bullpen who’ll win 39 or more?
NEXT: The biggest storyline of 2019 will be …
Not everyone has a Jacoby Brissett, except me, of course, who sort of saw something like this coming and took him really, really late in a stunning moment of clarity in my QB-heavy fantasy draft. Not like you care, because there’s nothing more boring than hearing about someone’s kid, dog, vacation, poke bowl, binge-watched show, threesome, golf game, missing limb, fantasy foo …
Get ready for the biggest thing that’s going to matter in your 2019 college football season.
Whose elite quarterback can stay healthy for a full campaign?
Top 25 college football is about to become like the NFL when it comes to starting quarterbacks. The season is effectively over for Green Bay if it loses Aaron Rodgers, or for New England if it loses Tom Brady, or for the Texans if it can’t keep Deshaun Watson in one piece, or for the Colts if Andrew Luck decides to …
Clemson isn’t dead if Trevor Lawrence gets hurt for a significant period of time, but it’ll be in big, big trouble.
Alabama won a national title with Jake Coker, and it might be able to get close if it’s Mac Jones under center, but Tua Tagovailoa is the presumptive No. 1 pick in the 2020 NFL Draft. You saw what happened when he wasn’t 100% late last year, and there’s no Jalen Hurts around this time to help the cause.
Oklahoma has good backup options if Hurts gets hurt, but good luck to Georgia if Jake Fromm goes down, and woe to Ohio State if Justin Fields isn’t amazing or gets knocked out.
Think of it this way. Last year at this time, Lawrence, Fields and Hurts were backups, and this season they might be all starting in the College Football Playoff. The starting quarterbacks across college football are at an all-time great level. The depth, though, is a potential disaster.
The transfer portal matters for all positions, but only one guy can be the starting quarterback. In the new world we live in, the multi-million dollar head coach had better get that call right, or else.
Jacob Eason was named the starter at Washington, and Jake Haener tapped out of the program 30 seconds later.
Tommy Stevens was going to be the starter at Penn State, until it looked like he wasn’t. He bolted for Mississippi State to hook up with former Nittany Lion offensive coordinator and current Bulldog head man Joe Moorhead – hee, hee … Moorhead – won the job, and Keytaon Thompson immediately portaled up after being named the No. 2.
And why not?
So Kelly Bryant didn’t get some stupid ring – even though he TOTALLY earned and deserved one. He’s doing the smart thing for his NFL dream by starting at Missouri.
Who wouldn’t want to be Lincoln Riley’s starting quarterback instead of sitting back and grooving on a backup role at Alabama?
By my rough count, around 40 teams will be either starting a transfer, or has one who’ll play a massive role in the season. And with that, come on, No. 1s – stay in one piece.
Let’s just hope we don’t have a Golden State Warrior situation at the end where we’re all saying, “yeah, of course it was the best team and would’ve won the championship with ease if (insert star here, preferably Kevin Durant) didn’t get hurt.”
NEXT: But, of course, you chose to watch Arizona-Hawaii as it was happening instead of …
This is the 150th anniversary of the first game, but despite what many promos might be saying, college football has only been played for 148 years – there was no season in 1871. Sorry for that. I don’t like myself, either. Carry on …
I have no doubt that the ESPN documentary Football is US: The College Game is absolutely brilliant.
Almost all of the 30 for 30s are outstanding, director Jonathan Hock is fantastic, and not since the merger of Oreo and peanut butter has there ever been a combination more in my wheelhouse than a well-made historical college football documentary.
And I have zero interest in sitting through it now that the football season is here.
Maybe it’s because we have actual games to watch.
Maybe it’s because Football Is US – I get it; other than overeating, there’s no more American sport than college football – sounds way too much like the cringeworthy This Is Us.
Okay, I’m lying. It’s because I’m not in it.
Of course I’ll see it at some point, but right now I’m just not in the mood for 90 minutes about the pageantry of student-athletes who do this for the love of the game because they have the intangibles to try harder to make a play because they want it more thanks to their swagger, toughness, heart and …
Passion.
Right now, I love college football because of Hawaii stopping Khalil Tate one yard short of a potential game-tying touchdown.
I love it because a redshirt freshman Miami quarterback can get crushed for the entire game, and still have the poise to stay in it for one last chance at a game-winning touchdown pass in the final seconds.
I love that Florida came up with the game-sealing sack to lock in the under on the 47 point total.
And I love that Week 0 was crazy-awesome fun – forget how it all looked – and now we get four more months of it.
NEXT: How can we miss you, Clemson vs. Alabama, if you won’t go away?
Be careful what you wish for, unless it’s for the rock-solid new taco stand that screws up every order to give you the bag with 14 tacos when you only ordered five, even though they forgot the guac, which is okay since you’re sort of allergic to it, but not really – it’s more like a sensitivity – and …
So … you’re sick of the idea of another year of Clemson and Alabama ripping everyone apart on the way to a meeting in the College Football Playoff National Championship? It’s totally understandable, but what’s your alternative?
If Alabama and Clemson are both out of the CFP, then we have a tournament.
If Alabama and Clemson are both in the CFP, it might not be what America wants or cares about – especially since the last two games between them were big dull duds – but at least we’d all feel like we have the two best teams.
Nothing against these two power programs, but it would be wonderful if there were four totally new schools in the playoff mix.
How much energy would there be if the CFP was Michigan, Texas, LSU and USC? Or Utah? Or Texas A&M? Or Wisconsin? Or UCF?
But if one of the big two -Clemson or Alabama – makes it in and the other doesn’t – especially if there’s no Georgia or Oklahoma in the mix – ohhhh noooo.
If it’s Michigan, Texas, LSU and … Clemson. Uh oh.
Or, if it’s Wisconsin, TCU, Utah and … Alabama. Big uh oh.
The harsh reality of the College Football Playoff in the first five years is that when Cinderella showed up, she faceplanted stepping out of the carriage.
Michigan State – doors blown off by the Crimson Tide.
Notre Dame – painfully awful O against Clemson.
Washington – old college try, but Bama went Bama.
After last year, we need a good College Football Playoff, no matter what. We were all spoiled by three straight phenomenal national championships, and if it takes Alabama vs. Clemson to go at it in New Orleans to get another one, let’s rock.
NEXT: The COW footballey opinions on footballey stuff
Five Cavalcade of Whimsy footballey opinions and, like, other stuff
1. The attendance “problem”
Athletic directors, do you really want to solve the attendance issue? It’s easy – stop playing so many games against lousy teams.
Take a moment and check out the Week 1 matchups and think about all the college football games no one really wants to watch.
Athletic directors, you don’t want to hear it, but no one wants to spend an entire Saturday watching an FCS team.
ADs, you really don’t want to hear it, but no Power Five fan base wants to spend an entire Saturday watching a Group of Five team, either.
And ADs, you REALLY don’t want to hear it, but if you actually cared about attendance, you’d create a schedule full of conference-only games, and/or expand the Power Five leagues, relegate the Group of Fivers who didn’t make the cut, and …
You’re not going to do that.
Or just cut your streaming so fans can’t watch on their phones. Good luck.
2. Depth charts
There’s no point in a coach putting out a depth chart other than to make the media happy.
I need them, and they make my life immeasurably easier, but if it’s not mandated, then why not make the opposing team try to figure out who it has to prepare for?
Northwestern’s Pat Fitzgerald put it best on the quarterback battle between Hunter Johnson and TJ Green before the opener against Stanford. “I’ll make that decision at 12:59:59, so you all will be the last to know.”
As it should be.
3. The Pac-12’s 9 am PST start time whiff
Pac-12, why don’t you want people to watch your college football games?
Ooooooh, they might get lost in the shuffle of the ACC, Big Ten and SEC showdowns kicking off at noon on the right side of the country.
That’s better than getting lost in the shuffle of REM cycles in 75% of the nation.
Just a little tip, Pac-12 … people like to “invest” in the early college football games no matter where they’re played. Another tip – more people watch college football when they’re awake.
4. Get … off … my … lawn
Yeah, it’s a nod to the whole Blackshirt culture around Husker football, but a pirate? Dry land isn’t a myth, Mariner – it doesn’t get more landlocked than Lincoln, Nebraska.
You wouldn’t see a logo of a wheat farmer on a UCLA uniform, or find Miami paying homage to the Brainerd Jaycees Ice Fishing Extravaganza with a patch on its helmet.
The classic Husker uniforms and red block N logo are iconic. And then there’s this …
Nebraska – and all schools – if you’re trying to get a kid to sign with you because of an outfit, there’s a problem.
5. ESPN broadcasts
The start of the college football season was a wonderful reminder of just how fantastic the ESPN college football coverage is. The tone of the entire broadcast from the pregame through the big showdown at night is so comfortable and so smooth.
In other words, it’s all the exact opposite of ESPN’s NFL coverage.
Part of it’s because the NFL side doesn’t have a tandem as good as Chris Fowler and Kirk Herbstreit, but if the network can be that good at doing college football, why does it make watching Monday Night Football like drinking a large McDonald’s Diet Coke through a paper straw?
NEXT: The sure-thing picks of the century for this week
This week’s reason I should be the SEVENTH prognosticator on the set of the new FOX College Football Pregame thingy …
I know EXACTLY what to do to make the new FOX college football pregame show an instant sensation. It needs a hook, and I have two of them that’ll make the show a Saturday staple.
First, we take the show on a college campus – you know, to capture the flavor of the game day atmosphere – and then when it’s my turn to pick a winner, I’ll surprise everyone by pulling out a helmet or mascot head of the team I think will win and put it on. It’ll be a hoot, and then I’ll … oh. Really? Since 1993? Never mind.
The sure-thing, 100%, rock-solid lock, sell the house, sell the kids, no doubt about it picks of the century for this week
PICK SO FAR: 0-0 SU, 0-0 ATS
Enough of this witty banter and merriment. This is why you’re here.
You don’t want me, you want the guy who went 77-24 straight up and 60-42 against the spread last regular season. Fine … put that coin in the jukebox and I perform on command. That’s what I do.
See if you can see a weeeeee bit of an elitist Week 1 theme here. And yes, I did watch that Hawaii win over Arizona … why do you ask?
Fortunately, these picks are all correct.
– UCLA +2.5 over Cincinnati
– Wisconsin -13 over USF
– Ohio State -27.5 over Florida Atlantic
– Mississippi State -20.5 over Louisiana
– Syracuse -17.5 over Liberty
– Virginia -2.5 over Pitt
C.O.W. shameless gimmick item …
The weekly five Overrated/Underrated aspects of the world
5) Overrated: Popeyes’ new fried chicken sandwich
Underrated: Two Popeyes’ new fried chicken sandwiches
4) Overrated: The devastating effects on our planet from the late interception thrown by Feleipe Franks
Underrated: The devastating effects on our planet from Jeremy Renner’s singing in the Summer of Jeep ads
3) Overrated: A professional quarterback dogging a college quarterback about anything that happened in high school
Underrated: Being disliked by Baker Mayfield
2) Overrated: The stern finger-wagging Mississippi State received from the NCAA for the academic misconduct by a rogue tutor, all while …
Underrated: Thanks to a timing technicality, Missouri got totally hosed by the NCAA for the academic misconduct by a rogue tutor.
1) Overrated: The media complaining – and acting somewhat surprised – that there was not only heat, but humidity, too, in Orlando, Florida in August.
Underrated: The Florida schools full of players who spent most of their lives in Florida doing just fine playing in the heat AND the humidity in Orlando, Florida in August.
Sorry if this column sucked, I wasn’t my fault …
I said Djokovic … DJOKOVIC!!! …
