Cannes film festival: Return to the Marché

You have your apocalypse, but look, here's My Apocalypse, in which (judging from the evidence) a quartet of disembodied heads are first cooked by an orange cloud and then eaten by a giant mouth. No amount of smiling can save poor Nancy Allen Photograph: Guardian

Just what are they telling in The Telling? Only one way to find out: jump through the flames, sit on her lap and she shall whisper the answer. But watch out, don't crush the human skull Photograph: Guardian

What's not to like about Beer Pong, which is like ping pong, except with beer and boobs and more beer? Incredibly, Beer Pong is not in contention for the Palme d'Or Photograph: Guardian

Authentic corsetry in Beauty and the Beast Photograph: Guardian

'What happens when a man stitches a stranger's ear on to his own head?' asks the blurb for One Night in the City. Also: 'Can a fish make friends with a tree?' We just don't have answers to those Photograph: Guardian

Trees get another unexpected namecheck in Bloodline Photograph: Guardian

'Payback is a bastard' goes that tagline for Ca$h. Paying the bills, too, eh Sean? Photograph: Guardian

No, it doesn't need a possessive apostrophe. It's a story by Gogol, doncha know Photograph: Guardian

A rather blunt parting entreaty to one's sweetheart, but fondly meant no doubt Photograph: Guardian

Film-makers are running low on species to anthropomorphise Photograph: Guardian

At last, the failed Bolshevik putsch in Estonia in 1924 comes to the big screen Photograph: Guardian

The very premise of Pinocchio's son seems to raise more questions than this film looks like it can answer Photograph: Guardian

No sign of Suggs, so it must be love Photograph: Guardian

A touch brazen, just sticking five stars above your title Photograph: Guardian

The Marché is heaving with snakes Photograph: Guardian

See? Photograph: Guardian

We get the idea here I think Photograph: Guardian

Bed-hopping food porn Photograph: Guardian

Lea Thompson is actually out of focus here. And not in a post-modern, Deconstructing Harry sort of way Photograph: Guardian

'He's mental!' the woman in the background is saying. 'The sell-by date was 2007!' Photograph: Guardian

From Japan, a comedy that proves that the recession doesn't have to be all doom and gloom. It can be about crazy guys and cigarettes and cute girls saying 'Hero???' while tied up with rope Photograph: Guardian

Like watching sheets dry Photograph: Guardian

We love the little addendum to this Bavarian effort. As if the wild chicks weren't enough, with their cheery grins and blown kisses, we also have " ... and life". Is there anything this film does not contain? Photograph: Guardian

Well, no horsies, for a start Photograph: Guardian

Nor doggies, either. Dare you step into the ring with Russell, the 'scarier, hairier' star of RussellMania? Possibly bitier too, and more incontinent-er than ever. Far safer to let him win by default Photograph: Guardian

From the same, rather niche, studio comes Air Buddies, in which five silken pups go on a killing spree ('They Shoot') round the drug dens ('They Score') of Chicago, then show no bones whatsoever about snitching on each other to the cops (They TALK) Photograph: Guardian

Face-off time now. First up: Raccoons v Tycoons Photograph: Guardian

A fishy smackdown Photograph: Guardian

Did the photographer get a tip off? Photograph: Guardian

Eric Cantona has been wowing the crowds with his role in Looking for Eric. Fellow ex-footballer Vinnie Jones's career, however, is literally in the toilet Photograph: Guardian

The market isn't all jolly comedies and odd animals Photograph: Guardian

Judging by that smile, she's definitely pulling a sickie Photograph: Guardian

The tragic tale of how one woman was driven to TalkSport Photograph: Guardian

Abraham: The Friend of God. It ain't what you know, it's who you know Photograph: Guardian

Did someone say Dead Calm? Photograph: Guardian

Earlier this year Yojiro Takita was the shock winner of the best foreign language Oscar for Departures. This is his latest: get down the bookies right now Photograph: Guardian

For the brave, even better odds are available on this Photograph: Guardian

The Desert of Death: not a great choice for a day trip Photograph: Guardian

More horror for Matthew Perry, who finds out the hard way that sunbeds can have paralysing side-effects Photograph: Guardian

Bit rare for me - I'd stick it back in the oven for another 20 minutes Photograph: Guardian

You're popping out for some more meth but you find your pusher's house is crawling with ghosts. We've all been there Photograph: Guardian

A Ronseal-style poster here Photograph: Guardian

More lava creativity here Photograph: Guardian

No hot stuff necessary here - a mix of plutonium and patriotism is all it takes to get US melty Photograph: Guardian

We walks the walk and talks the talk. And look - in this movie our winsome hero has even found a horse to throttle Photograph: Guardian

'Circus dog Belka, mongrel dog Strelka, typical rat Venya - none of them even dreamt of space' Photograph: Guardian

Matter-of-fact design approach Photograph: Guardian

Stephen Fry plays a friendly doctor in this Amsterdam-set coming-of-age tale. Really Photograph: Guardian

It could be an ad for life insurance or a savings account. Instead, it's Ray of Sunshine, in which two lovebirds get loaded on a beach and play footsie beneath the table. One day, perhaps, they will get married Photograph: Guardian

They just won't let poor Dolph Lundgren quit Photograph: Guardian

Which would explain what he's also doing here Photograph: Guardian

Nabokov's long-lost sequel finally hits the big screen Photograph: Guardian

Huh? Photograph: Guardian

Something just slightly uncomfortable about this one Photograph: Guardian

Never mind just standing up on end - this new biopic shows how Einstein's hair was so full of static he left mushroom clouds trailing in his wake Photograph: Guardian

'One will die for every incorrect answer'. Ofsted may tut, but you've got to rise up the league tables somehow Photograph: Guardian

With a slogan like that no wonder the crowds are noticeably absent Photograph: Guardian

City Without Baseball. Anyone for Beer Pong? Photograph: Guardian

The makers of The Terminators are evidently going for the too-drunk-or-young-to-read-properly demographic Photograph: Guardian

Ditto Photograph: Guardian

Job description as tagline here Photograph: Guardian

You'll laugh your head off at this one – a comedy about a happy family who just happen to have been decapitated. One presumes it is the director's cut Photograph: Guardian

Surely a trowel would be better than a scythe if it was livers you were after? Photograph: Guardian

Attitude only slightly let down by the hairdos Photograph: Guardian

To be fair, soft porn and 3D are natural bedfellows Photograph: Guardian

'Share this story with your love, she will laugh with you.' We wish we shared their certainty Photograph: Guardian