‘I’m Bear Grylls, and I’ve been lucky enough to travel to many of the world’s extremes,” Bear Grylls shouts. “And what I’ve learned is you don’t always have to travel to the ends of the earth to experience incredible adventure and mind-blowing landscapes.” Bear is strapped into a paraglider, his feet dangling over the coast of north Wales. “Sometimes the best things are found right here, at home, in Great Britain.” Bear is right, Wales looks mind-blowing when you soar over it on a paraglider. Bear’s like a bird.
Britain’s Biggest Adventures with Bear Grylls (ITV) is a new three-parter in which Bear flings himself around the British countryside while shouting at stuff. In the first episode he makes hunting for fossils on the top of Cardigan Bay look just as exciting as that time he taught President Obama how to wrestle Alaskan salmon with his bare (bear?) hands.
He’s like Paul Whitehouse’s Brilliant! kid from The Fast Show crossbred with Jean Claude Van Damme in his icy mountain beer ads (Beer Grylls?), or what David Attenborough would be like if he was played by Tom Cruise. The stakes are high, the mountains higher; the tension ramped up, the energy boundless. Everything – whether he’s jumping off a cliff, learning about “snottites” (a sulfur-based lifeform every bit as gross as they sound) or meeting someone to talk about the decline of Welsh mining – is approached with the intense focus of a spy on the run, accompanied by pounding orchestral scores and sweeping helicopter shots.
The first target is located: a mantis shrimp with a killer punch. Can Bear find any under the waters of Cardigan Bay? There’s only one way down: free diving – “a dangerous and sometimes deadly sport”. A few deep breaths later (“If I’m down longer than a minute, come and get me”) and Bear bursts out of the ocean with one of these fierce creatures (at least several centimetres long) in what looks like a handy Tupperware container. Yes, that’s a mantis shrimp, confirms a marine biologist waiting in the safety of the boat. Look at the claws! They’re coiled like a penknife. Cool. The mantis shrimp is gently returned to the ocean.
Time to jump into a canoe: the only way to get close to a day-old seal pup sheltering in a secluded cave. Bear spots the seal’s mother looking wary, bobbing up and down in the sea. Bear notes the fluffiness of the pup’s yellow fur. Bear wants to give it a CUDDLE. Bear is a man who even whispers in caps lock.
Time to move inland: there’s a BLACK CLIFF OF DOOM waiting (aka Mount Snowdon). “It’s vertical, dark and intimidating.” CLIMB IT! Once he’s half-way up, it’s the perfect chance to deliver a shouty geology lesson about an “ancient lost world” and “a story written into the rocks themselves”. At the summit, there’s another expert. He seems to have found a way up the mountain that didn’t involve an assault on the deadly north face. We learn how Snowdon inspired Charles Darwin, although it sounds like Darwin probably also chose to take the easy route up. Anyway, Darwin discovered some ancient shells fossilised in the rocks up here – this mountain used to be on the seabed! Cool.
It’s Poldark time for the next round of Bear v Wales: a fearless battle with some freezing rapids, which can only be attempted once Bear has taken his shirt off (Bear doesn’t want to get weighed down by wet clothes). At the bottom of the rapids Bear meets a moss expert in a secret gorge who seems to have found his way there without getting bogged down by wet clothes. In fact, he’s completely dry.
But before we get too carried away by Bear’s infectious energy, let’s remind ourselves that this kind of hyper-immersive approach to the countryside is not for everyone. Britain’s Biggest Adventure with Bear Grylls comes with a stern health warning: “In this show Bear Grylls undertakes a range of extreme activities. He is a trained professional, supported by an expert safety team. Do not attempt to copy any of the dangerous activities in this show.”
This definitely includes not copying Bear’s own attitude to warnings, like the sort of signs you might find marking the outside of abandoned copper mines, such as “DANGER: NO ACCESS”. To you, oh puny viewer, this is a reminder to steer clear, to take the road more travelled, to sit back and watch; to a man like Bear “DANGER: NO ACCESS” means “this is a perfect spot to tie a rope and leap into a pitch-black hole in search of more adventure.”
Home time: luckily, there’s another cliff to jump off! Bear’s probably going to swim all the way back to his own man cave, but sadly the credits roll before we get to see that.
