NOT WORTH THE PAPER IT’S WRITTEN ON
When the Fiver heard that a national newspaper had obtained photographic evidence of an embarrassing leak by England’s No2, Mr Ray, we didn’t want to look. The Fiver knows what it’s like to be caught short so felt no need to view pictures of someone else resorting to the sort of ad hoc conveniences that we’ve had occasion to use, such as walls, bushes or our editor’s letterbox. These things happen and there’s no point making a big deal of it [honestly, calling the fuzz was bang out of order, ed].
But we were bored so we looked at the photo of Mr Ray, after all. And it turned out that he was guilty of an altogether different type of leak at England’s training ground in France. For not only was the 59-year-old brazenly flaunting his pins, but he was also blithely holding some paper in full view of a camera-bearing guy up a tree about two miles away. And the paper had names written on it! With only a few days to go before England’s first match at Euro 2016, and nothing else of import happening anywhere else in the whole world, these names could only amount to one thing: the starting lineup that will absolutely, definitely be sent out against Russia. Oh Mr Ray! What will Mr Roy say!?
But perhaps this was not so embarrassing, after all, at least not for Mr Ray. Because there are clues that suggest this so-called gaffe may be nothing of the sort and that the names related to a training drill or the seating plan for breakfast or a sweepstake for choosing who has to spend 10 minutes in the presence of hacks at the next press conference. Because if it was really Mr Roy’s starting lineup, wouldn’t there be some defenders? And a goalkeeper? Would James Milner really be included twice? And Wayne Rooney just once?
The manager of one of England’s upcoming opponents sure wasn’t fooled. Chris Coleman knows a tall story about leaks when he hears one and the Wales gaffer and former Real Sociedad washing machine repair man decided today to show how seriously he was taking England’s flagrant mind games. Rather than beat the Fiver to a hilarious leak/leek gag during Wales’ training session, Coleman went about his business with a piece of paper exposed to peeping snappers. The names on the paper in 4-4-2 formation? Pelé, Zico, Maradona, Best and, most preposterously of all, no Robson-Kanu!
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We value our partnership with the Colombian Football Federation and apologise for our mistake. We removed these graphics and are quickly installing new versions.” – An Adidas spokeswoman dives on the grenade after the sportswear giant’s plaster ‘Columbia’ across billboards and posters as part of their marketing campaign for James/Hames/Hamez and co.
FIVER LETTERS
“Years of being disappointed with England’s performances at international tournaments have probably made me a cynic, but I can’t help think that the use of “a carpet of green grass grown from seeds flown in especially from the FA’s St George’s Park headquarters” is a precursor to an excuse that’s sure to be trotted out once Roy’s boys head home after failing to impress in France. ‘Well, of course we were always going to struggle with playing on French grass. It’s the wrong kind of turf...’” – Tim Grey.
“I read with great enjoyment the recently published Uefa pronunciation guide to certain player’s names and noted that Taulent Xhaka’s last name should be pronounced ‘Dza-ka’, while his brother Granit’s last name should be pronounced ‘Cha-ka’. My grandfather, who was born in a part of Europe that is now either Poland or Ukraine (family histories can be complicated), always pronounced his last name as ‘Rise-man’ but his brother always pronounced his last name as ‘Rees-man’. Perhaps we’re actually Albanian. Or Swiss.” – R Reisman.
“Interesting choice of verb for Michael O’Neill speaking of Lafferty’s groin – ‘He just twisted it a little bit as he slid in’. You went with ‘trilled’ but surely ‘he too-much-informationed’ would have been appropriate. Or possibly ‘he NSFWed’ or even ‘he explicited’, though I’m not sure that’s a real word.” – Robin Hazlehurst.
“So Ashley at his recent MP’s question time confirmed that he fines his staff 15 minutes wages for being one minute late … well … Sissoko, Cissé and Wijnaldum didn’t turn up at all last season!” – Steve Pharoah.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Robin Hazlehurst.
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BITS AND BOBS
Vincent Janssen moved closer to becoming a 84th-minute substitute for Harry Kane next season after Tottenham reportedly started discussions with the AZ Alkmaar striker over a £12m switch.
Manchester United have a new Eric to worship after the club dropped a cool £25m on now-former Villarreal defender Eric Bailly. “To play football at the highest level is all I have ever wanted to do,” squealed Bailly, apparently unaware that the Europa League isn’t the highest level of football.
José Mourinho has dangled Ed Woodward by the ankles, picked up the loose change and is keen to shove it in Juventus’ direction for Paul Pogba, especially as Manchester City are now not keen to sign the Frenchman.
Despite enjoying 73% possession, Spain finished their Euro 2016 prep with a 1-0 defeat to 137-ranked Georgia. “We simply couldn’t overcome an organised defence,” explained Vicente del Bosque. “We lacked solutions and that is the most worrying aspect.”
Iranian international Sosha Makani has been suspended for six months from domestic competition after he was pictured wearing yellow trousers. “We took this decision because of his appearance and the impact it can have on the society,” an official said.
Christian Benteke has remembered on international duty that he quite likes playing football, and would like to do it more often, thank you very much. “I’d like to stay at Liverpool, if I remain in the coach’s plans,” he chirped. “If that’s not the case, it will become difficult to stay.”
Neil Lennon nearly got the Celtic job, but his teeth weren’t shiny enough, so he’s going to have to go to Hibernian instead.
Clint Dempsey scored his 50th international touchdown as USA! USA!! USA!!! beat Costa Rica 4-0 in their Copa América group match.
STILL WANT MORE?
What is the shortest gap between a club debut and international cap? The Knowledge has the answer.
A volcanic rock halfway to the Arctic with a population the size of Lewisham … Barney Ronay travels to Iceland to witness first hand the remarkable rise of the smallest ever nation to reach a major tournament.
A brawler, talker and most successful black African coach of all time – floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson pays tribute to the late Stephen Keshi.
“I am very much enjoying the England Euro 2016 squad’s shtick of proudly sneaking a large toy lion into every team photo, which gives them the flavour of 23 Minnesotan dentists on a trophy-hunting safari,” begins Marina Hyde. Do read on.
Martin Laurence has the skinny on the Russia, Wales and Slovakia players that England should be wary of in Group B.
Daniel Sturridge turns to page four of the standard issue Little Book of Cliches to insists there is no I in team at England’s Chantilly base.
Our Euro 2016 Experts’ Network continues with team guides for Belgium, Italy and Austria. Plus profiles of Jason Denayer, Alessandro Florenzi and Marc Janko.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
