Name: Blake Shelton.
Age: 41.
Appearance: People magazine’s sexiest man alive.
Is he? Why have I never heard of him? It’s probably because you aren’t American. Blake Shelton is a coach on the US version of The Voice, as well as a singer who has sold 10m records.
Really? Why have I never heard of him? He’s a country singer.
Ohhhh. But a man like Blake Shelton can’t stay hidden for long, such is the power of his almost-superhuman sexiness.
Right, yes, I’ve just found a photo of him. Are you sure you’ve got the right chap? Wears a lot of denim? Looks a bit like Ryan Phillippe under heavy prosthetics playing the lead in a Guy Garvey biopic?
Touches the back of his neck a lot in photographs? That’s it. That’s definitely him. Sexy, huh?
I mean, not really. Sure, he’s a bit normcore and dad bod, but that’s part of his appeal. Shelton isn’t one of these buffed, primped Hollywood nancies. He’s a real man, who smells of engine oil and wood. His songs are called things like Ol’ Red and Heavy Liftin’ and Doin’ What She Likes. He hates the final letters of words. You know, like real men do.
I still don’t get it. He’s going out with Gwen Stefani.
Ohhhh, that explains it. Well, not completely. People magazine has an unfortunate habit of picking bad eggs for this role. Its first, for example, was Mel Gibson.
Oh God. And, in 1989, the title went to Sean Connery, who has advocated slapping women on more than one occasion.
OH GOD. Right? And in the current climate, who could blame People for playing it safe? Realistically, Blake Shelton is less the sexiest man alive and more the sexiest man alive who hasn’t been accused of sexual abuse.
That’s a lot less catchy. Hey, a title’s a title. And, besides, he’s going out with Stefani. That has to count for something, right? Everyone likes Gwen Stefani. In fact, this probably increases People’s chances of getting a big interview with her. Or is that too cynical?
Do say: “Blake Shelton is the sexiest man alive.”
Don’t say: “Maybe there’s hope for other men who have names that sound like insurance firms.”
