Rivals has been a wonderful microcosmic example of social traps and oubliettes. Trust Dame Jilly to gift the us the perfect vehicle for delving into the great British pastime of passive-aggressive snobbery. That middle-class sniggering at “people who get it wrong” being just as ghastly as the perma-tanned Loadsamoney couple they laugh at. Curtain twitchers permeate every summer social situation, so your choice is to enter either as a fever dream of social nervousness, or with the bombast of immovably knowing that you belong. Take a big scoop of 1980s bravado when dressing for events this year — though the Standard has asked me to give you a little guidance, dear reader, on some things to swerve.
Men's summer wedding guest dress code
Wedding suiting is a beartrap of a subject for so many. West London girls get to have an oh-so-lovely time with hems and lace galore (cue Princess of Wales, both present and past), so boys, take a leaf and please stay classic. Lapels not too narrow (you’re not at Aintree), and let’s go for a muted, breezy linen (not that green suit again). If you must show your personality, do it with a bold coloured knitted tie — I fainted once on sight of a cravat tied like a tie — and remember that the novelty shirt died with Noel Edmond’s career.
Oh, and those tan brogues, that cat-vomit colour of a shoe, is a major signal to security that you’ll be trouble after a few. Bin them. If unsure, keep it simple, you’re not Harry Styles. Polish your shoes, don’t forget the collar stiffeners, and try to keep your jacket on as long as possible.
Casual style mistakes to avoid
When it comes to off-duty clothes — gentleman, swimming trunks are not city shorts. Though do make your shorts actually short like Paul Mescal (girls and gays will thank you). I adore a tan line, but if at home or at a lake or pond, nude bathing is far preferable to budgie smugglers, and much like heavy petting, to be discouraged in public pools.
Footwear — where do we start on this summer shodding, sorry state-of-affairs. Flip-flops on the Tube? Slides with socks? High treason. Birkenstocks I have begrudgingly made my peace with, but Crocs are for gardening and children under eight. The Kennedy favourite of a simple sockless pump looks good on everyone, as long as you keep clean feet.
Summer party food and on-trend drinks
Summer event food is an assault course. Accidents happen when trying to balance a banger with Bollinger, so one-bite canapés are far kinder to all. Let’s just ban bowl food — small is beautiful, and considerate for those guests on GLP-1s. Hosting at home? Work on your one-fork wonders. Coronation chicken and a good, cold pesto farfalle are fail-safe.
Hard liquor is back — be a bit more Queen Mother and slug some extra gin into your Pimm’s, don’t forget the mint, and try it with ginger ale instead of lemonade. Jugged cocktails are very Bright Young Things, so order in abundance and support your local bar or pub, they need it. Ice in your wine is universally accepted now, mainly due to our chronic lack of AC. Champagne coupes are far smarter than flutes, and will slow down guests’ drinking — guzzlers never need encouragement. Spritzes have become universal, so remember it’s Aperol in a pub, Campari in a bar and Hugo at a wedding.
Shut down conversation too controversial — no religion, no politics, or the family table becomes Question Time. Stick to safe subjects, such as how flying budget to provincial French airports is the done thing. Uncle Gerry’s villa is no longer tax efficient to rent out or sell, so you might as well abuse it.
Summer social success is as much about nonchalance as it is about being put together. Trying too hard is vulgar — it’s exhausting to watch. As any homosexual will tell you, an iced coffee and a strong stride will signify that you don’t just mean it, you are the business. Be bold, never apologise and remember confidence will get you through most social pitfalls. Blast through, head high, and embrace the social battlefield with imperial bombast. Just always remember to wear better shoes.
