NOT TALKING ABOUT FOOTBALL
Gary Neville’s almost entirely unimpressive 28-game spell at Valencia did at least manage something impressive: the end. While plenty of managers – Martin Jol at Spurs in 2007 springs to mind – seem to be the last to know that they’ve got a one-way first-class ticket on Do One Airlines, Neville somehow kept his sacking a secret for the best part of a fortnight, showing that although he has spent most of his post-playing career talking about football, he’s also adept at not talking about it.
Talking about football? Fine. Not talking about football. No problem. But managing an actual real team to a modicum of success? Ah. Those 28 games in charge actually brought 10 wins, though seven of them were in three cup competitions from which he also oversaw three unceremonious exits. The warm embrace of Ed Chamberlain, Jamie Carragher and Sky Sports’ MNF crew surely awaits. A few friendly digs about his time in Spain. The odd self-deprecating comment. And then it’s back to using cutting-edge TV technology to point out the problems West Brom are having at full-back.
Pundits are bound to get things wrong at times and it does seem that Neville has got this one very wrong. Take his assertion back on 17 February after appointing Pako Ayestaran as his assistant. “I’m the head coach of Valencia,” roared Neville. “I will be the head coach of Valencia for the rest of this season. If I leave, Pako will leave.” But in yesterday’s statement on his sacking: “The club have, today, appointed Pako Ayestarán as head coach until the end of the season.” Et tu, Pako?
Given how it’s all gone, you can’t really blame Valencia. Relegation was a looming threat and this is a club that expects, nay demands, to be challenging at the other end of the table. It’ll be a while, you imagine, before Neville dares to swap the studio sofa for the dugout again. The question is does he deserve to be the one pontificating to the nation on tactics and team spirit, having shown such ineptitude himself? There are those who suggest that one failed managerial role fatally undermines his credentials as a TV pundit. They are, of course, absolutely correct.
After all you never see Paul Merson (win percentage as Walsall manager 34%, relegation) or Alan Shearer (eight matches in charge of Newcastle, one win, relegation) or Mark Lawrenson (25 games in charge of Oxford – win percentage 16%) or Chris Kamara (14 games in charge of Stoke City. One win. Sacked in April. Team relegated in May) or Niall Quinn (six matches in charge of Sunderland. One win) on telly these days and the only reason Graeme Souness, Neil Warnock, Roy Keane and Ruud Gullit are never off our screens is because of their entirely unblemished records at clubs such as, say, Benfica, Bury, Ipswich and Terek Grozny.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
3 March 2016: “It would be wrong of me to turn down a player with such great experience of the Premier League, [Big Cup], international football, not to think that he could play a part for us in our fight against relegation this season” – Sunderland boss Sam Allardyce gives Emmanuel Eboué the big sell before signing him.
31 March 2016: “The suspension relates to a monetary dispute which precedes his time at Sunderland AFC and was not something that the club was made aware of by the player. Eboué signed a contract with Sunderland AFC until the end of the current season and the club has therefore given notice of its intention to terminate the contract. The player has two weeks in which to appeal this decision” – zero appearances later, Sunderland march Eboué towards the skip marked Do One after revealing he failed to tell them about an impending one-year playing ban for not paying a Mr 15% quite a lot of dosh he was owed.
QUOTE OF THE DAY II
“We’ve lost one of our smallest fans. It’s a sad day” – Alan Pardew, who regularly entertains on TV, salutes another of his ilk, Ronnie Corbett. RIP.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Off Garde (yesterday’s Fiver). Will the manager arriving behind Rémi be considered Rear Garde? Or will they get someone that is cheap and odorous but somehow gets the job done (Right Garde). And should we finally recognise that Tactics Tim and his gilet were, in fact, avant Garde?” – Neale Redington.
“Sam Carpenter (yesterday’s letters) laments the standard of Fiver/Private Eye pedantry and suggests he’ll get corrected on his John McClain quote.. not quite Sam, but I think you’ll find it was John McClane” – Tony Crawford (and 1,056 others).
“I wonder how long ago Sam Carpenter wrote to Private Eye’s Pedants Corner, as it has been ‘Pedantry Corner’ since 2008? And yes it is one of my favourite parts of the Eye” – Harry McDonald (and no others).
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Neale Redington.
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RECOMMENDED LISTENING
It’s Football Weekly Extraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
BITS AND BOBS
The clocks have gone forward, so it’s time for Lord Ferg to wade into the title race mind games – he reckons Leicester “have got the edge” over Spurs.
Ferg also reckons Manchester United fans should stick with Louis van Gaal. “It is dead easy to be critical,” he said, because he has eyes. “You have to be realistic … the number of injuries he has had: Phil Jones has played only seven games this season, Ashley Young, [Antonio] Valencia, [Luke] Shaw, these are big losses.”
Could POJT be EBLJT once again? Mr Roy has given his central defenders a shot in the arm by saying he wishes the “lovely fella” was available for Euro 2016.
James Milner wants everyone to chill out and let Dele Alli develop at his own pace, pouring cold water on the overheating hype machine by adding “he can be 10 times better and he will be”.
Rob Elliot has been ruled out of Newcastle’s run-in, and Euro 2016, with cruciate knee ligament gah.
For some reason The Fiver can’t fathom, Garry Monk has said he’d be well up for jumping aboard the sinking ship that is Aston Villa.
Ahead of this weekend’s clàsico, Gareth Bale wrongly believes Real Madrid can still catch Barcelona in the title race. “We can get to within seven points of them and you never know,” he honked.
And taxi for Nicklas Bendtner… after turning up late then training on his own, Wolfsburg have told the striker to stop coming in while they get to work on ending his contract.
STILL WANT MORE?
Arsenal’s noble venture to earn coin the honest way – move to a new stadium and charge over £2,000 for season tickets – has been completely dwarfed by oligarchs and the new TV deal. So says Jonathan Wilson, playing the world’s smallest violin.
Daniel Taylor on why legal action, resignations and gagging orders within FC United of Manchester is threatening to halt the club’s remarkable rise.
Turns out The Fiver is not the only hack fed up with football. Enter Sam Morshead, who explains why being paid to watch his beloved Swindon Town led to him falling out with the game.
Oh Pards, it’s happening again, notes Sachin Nakrani.
The best of Johan Cruyff and Him vie for attention in this week’s Classic YouTube.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
