For me, two things mark the official opening of summer. The first is the annual arrival of the freelance yogi who offers £5 foot massages in my local park. He lies flat front on his stomach, takes the sweaty feet of strangers in his hands and rolls them across his face and forehead. That’s the massage. He’s there every year at the first sign of sun and hasn’t been arrested yet.
The second, the nationwide starting pistol for summer, is possibly my favourite thing about the entire season: festivals. I love music, and sunshine, and some of my friends, and so it’s not unreasonable to suppose that the meticulously planned convergence of all three might be quite a nice thing. The only trouble is that once you arrive at that perfect moment, it’s difficult to dislodge the memories of all the rubbish ones, so you get stuck chasing that peak festival high every summer. Still, if you’re an optimist slash masochist and put stock in the communal musical experience, how can you make the most of the festival season?
Don’t be a festival purist Not everyone wants to spend a weekend in feral camp conditions because it’s the truly “festival” way to do things. Authenticity doesn’t exist; the era of “real music” (generally defined by people who bang on about it as guitarsbassdrumsbore) is over. Sorry.
Beware the reusable cup economy Don’t get sucked in. Thomas Piketty wouldn’t be able to calculate the cost-saving economics of reusable cups. You’ll buy one so you can save the planet and some money each time you buy a drink. The reality is you’ll end up with about six crappy glasses by the end of the weekend, none of them refundable and all destined to be guiltily stuffed in your kitchen cupboard.
Accept that all the biggest festivals at this point are sold out Organised people, the ones who buy up tickets within minutes of them going on sale, are the worst if you’re not one of them. But everything’s a festival these days. Your local beer garden’s probably got a festival on right now. You’ve just got to get into the festival spirit. Let’s come to a mutual agreement that “the festival spirit” means wild abandon and joy at being untethered to real life – and to your phone. As if! What’s the point of a festival if it’s not an Instagram opportunity validating your good time?
Go easy on Instagram One post per day maximum. No exceptions.
Embrace the dumb phone The festival hardcore have burners – bricks that need one charge, don’t die, and will never be stolen. The rest of us might invest in a portable USB charger of the kind you saw in that “festival gadgets reviewed” feature ...
Ignore “festival gadgets reviewed” features Never pay any attention to them – including any ever written by me. They’re just an excuse for poncy hacks to blag a load of free swag.
Bin the swag Nothing you’re given for free at a festival is ever worth keeping. Even (especially) the branded tote bag that came with free condoms and a pocket fan. Dump it all on departure.
Camp with caution The best advice to be given about camping: don’t do it. And if you do, try not to set your tent up next to a big flag. Campers with flags will come in a gang and that gang will come with fold-up chairs. Any gang with portable outdoor seating is also guaranteed to have an acoustic guitar, a deluded sense of musicianship and the worst stoner chat come 5am.
One “arts, comedy, music” festival this summer is enough Latitude. Wilderness. Festival 6. Bluedot. Green Man. End of the Road. Same casting, different weekends. There are only so many times you need to see Josie Long do her thing.
Believe me when I tell you V Festival has the most culturally relevant lineup this year No other festival has managed to book Bieber and Rihanna; pretty much every other act playing everywhere else can be seen at least four times across the next three months.
Remember: festivals aren’t for checking out hot new music You didn’t pay £250 to see Liss. “Hot new music” is for your MacBook. Festivals are about checking out all the creaky old mega acts before they die. Your Brian Wilsons, your Maccas, the Who.
But not ELO No one needs to go that far.
Don’t get blairy If you’re a bloke tanked up to the point where beery and lairy have conjoined to define your particular brand of awful, take stock. You’re doing it wrong because you’re ruining it for everyone else. A bit like ...
Girlfriends on shoulders Also known as the universal invitation for someone to chuck a plastic pint glass at you.
Never shop “the festival look” In the same way bikinis are only for beaches and never for parks, so anything bought in the “festival looks” section of any online fashion retailer should probably be burned on sight. Costumes might add to a festival’s “vibe” but a uniform of flower crowns, denim cut-offs and wayfarers does not. Even Natasha “Bat For Lashes” Khan, originator of festival fashion, feels queasy about the ubiquity of feathers, glitter and fringing.
Just go with the farmers’ market and the middle-classification of festival culture Get over yourself. Have you seen the average price of a festival ticket? Rather a nice organic halloumi wrap than the 3am vom-de-noodlebox you’re slurping on.
Pay no attention to arbitrary how-to-do-a-festival rules written by privileged media twats who probably never leave the backstage bar The absolute worst of the lot. See you at the front for LCD Soundsystem?
